My mother and I never got along; it got worse as I got older. She was a poor mother to my younger sisters, and neglected them. She allowed them to be abused. She was dependent on Seconal.
In her old age, I took care of her in my house, but I could hardly stand her; I don't think she much liked me, either.
Here's the question: I don't feel guilty for feeling relief that she has passed away, but many have expressed shock, even outrage, that I never shed one tear for her. Should I pretend to be sad? Or, what?
2006-06-23 04:53:39 · 14 answers · asked by silvercomet 6 in Society & Culture ➔ Other - Society & Culture
You don't have to pretend to be something you're not or feel some way you don't. You don't have to apologize to anyone.
I don't like my mother either. It took a long time to clearly define that for myself and a longer time to act on it. Basically, my mother is a narcissist and a miser with major control issues. My siblings and I were hungry every day of our childhood so that she could hoard money in the bank. She deprived us in in lot of other ways too. Abuse was occurring on every level and I became an emmancipated minor at the age of sixteen.
I thought I had made my peace with her but I married a guy who also valued money and material possessions far more than he valued me, or our two beautiful children. He constantly needed to devalue and abuse me, and, then, like my mother, he would have the nerve to play the victim. The worse he behaved, the harder he would blame me. Crazy-making. For years, in therapy, I worked on breaking away from this relationship but I kept going back to him and was turning myself inside out trying to make it work. I was clearly trying to work out my issues with my mother.
Finally, I wrote a letter to my mother pointing out how she values money and her own security more than she values her own children. I told her it had caused me to have a skewed sense of my own worth and that I no longer wanted anything to do with her. Shortly after this, I was finally able to break away from my husband but I admit, I still think about him and find it very difficult.
So I'm forty-two years old with two children, living at my sister's house. I'm not the pretty young girl I used to be with men flocking after me but I still feel the need to share myself with a man in a passionate relationship. The sad thing is, I don't think I'm capable of this, so accostomed am I to putting other's needs before my own... I have had relationships where I was respected and treated well but this did not feel like love to me.
Some people should simply never have been parents. If a person is genuinley doing the best they can and they make a lot of mistakes, that's forgivable. But as far as our mothers go, they hurt people they were supposed to love and protect and did they even take responsibility for it? No. Did they ask forgiveness? No. Did they bother reading self-help books and going to therapy? No. Instead we were supposed to play their little game of pretending everything is O.K., making every moment we spent with them an insufferable act. Well, I'm not playing the game any more and a lot of people condemn me for it, including my own siblings. I don't tell them they shouldn't have a relationship with her but as far as I'm concerned they are just enabling her by playing the game. They all complain behind her back. I'm the only one in the family without a house and I certainly won't inherit anything now so who knows, maybe I'm the stupid one. I don't know how I'll feel when my mother dies.
It must be so difficult for you that other people do not understand. They should give you credit for taking care of her in the end rather than sending her go to an institution. Best wishes for healing and joy.
2006-06-23 06:00:20 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 6⤊ 1⤋
What your feeling is not unusual. Alot of long term caregivers feel relief at the passing of the person being cared for.
The fact it was your own mother shouldn't make you put on a sad face. Honestly, I have seen many relationships where a mother never bonded with a child, or vice versa.
Good for you that you cared for her in her last days.
God Bless!
2006-06-23 12:03:05 · answer #2 · answered by Punky 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Nope. Cut yourself a break. I didn't like my mother at all from about age 19 into my 30's. We get along better now. They're people, which means they have issues, and sometimes their problems are just so overwhelming you can't stand to be around them. Sometimes they even deserve to be disliked and to reap some of the hostility they've caused. In my mom's case eventually she started to learn from her mistakes and figure out why I disliked her so much. I could tell her, but that did no good. She had to learn for herself. Don't worry about the other idiots and what they think. The hypocrites didn't have to deal with what you had to deal with.
2006-06-23 11:59:43 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Every child deserves a good mom. I'm sorry that your mother fell short of your expectations. She doesn't deserve your tears. While I know nothing about you except your words, I admire you and your loyalty to her. You are a special person that walks amongst us mortals. As I am sure you've disposed of her personal belongings, dispose of her bad memories. For those people that judge you, just tell them that you mourned the loss of a mother many years ago, when you were just a small child and realized what a bad person she was. Peace.
2006-06-23 12:01:28 · answer #4 · answered by Chainsawmom 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know how you feel. People wonder why I don't care for my Mother. Well she is manipulative, lies, and distorts the truth. She sat around as her children were abused, and would just try to ignore what was going on. What kind of person, let alone adult would do that? It's sad, and I have little respect for her. I've found that it's best just to avoid her or else she will try to be her controlling manipulative self and impose herself on me. No thanks.
2006-06-23 12:01:39 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can't change how you feel, even on the outside, because deep in your heart you will always dislike her, My Mother on the other hand was a Saint in my book, And I miss her each Day .
2006-06-23 11:57:20 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just tell them you werent that close
even i think that you didnt shed a tear suprising
you cam out of her womb
she carried you for nine months
no one is perfect
2006-06-23 11:56:09 · answer #7 · answered by 0110010100 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Not liking ones mom is o.k. if she deserves it, and I see yours did. Loving her, on the other hand is detrimental to your longevity, and honoring her, right or wrong, which you did by caring for her in old age. Congrats for doing your part and tell the others quite frankly, "Sorry, the truth's the truth".
2006-06-23 12:03:49 · answer #8 · answered by garayfive 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
listen buddy...
i may never feel wat u hav gone through or going through now. u may tell me n i may jus know but wont ever feel d way u do...
MOTHERS are GODS way of saying GODS DER FOR U VN U NEED...
may b ur mom has seen a lot gone through unimaginable troubles n difficulties n i know this doesn't qualify her to b bad...but my friend she needs ur support more than u need her today...
believe me d day u put a smile on her face ull see everything change...
jus try to make her happy n dont make it difficult by asking such questions...
LOVE HER N WAIT EVN IF U HAV TO UR ENTIRE LIFE FOR HER LOVE IN RETURN..
no one is born bad, its d world a few just cant handle...
SO LOVE HER THOUGH ITS DIFFICULT..
IF MY WORDS MEANT ANYTHING, GO RIGHT NOW N GIVE HER A WARM HUG N C FOR URSLF, IF SHE GETS ANGRY DONT B DEJECTED TRY TOMORROW AGAIN...
2006-06-23 12:08:18 · answer #9 · answered by Bunty 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My mom drives me crazy but all and all she is my mother and the bible says to honor thy mother and father so i do. They brought me into the world without them there would be no me so for that I respect them
2006-06-23 11:59:32 · answer #10 · answered by boredgirl 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋