My boyfriend and I have only been dating 9 1/2 months, but we are living together and see each other everyday. We are very much in love, and very much a together-couple - we're still head over heels for one another! But I've recently come to a crossroads in my life and my career, and I may need to make some changes, possibly even geographic ones. If he has plans for us to marry someday, he doesn't say so... he refers to a future together, even a long-term one ("When we retire in 'x' years...") but he also says things like "If I get married..." or "When I get married..." never "we" and never anything that is specifically about us or refers to us. If I am to remain where I am, living in our apartment with him, I need to know if he sees a legitimate future together, with a wedding and children. I don't necessarily need a ring right now, but I would like to know if there will ever be a ring for me from him. Again - no rush - but he is significantly older, so I don't want to drag our feet either.
My question (apologies for the preamble): how do I broach the topic? Bear in mind, I'm not looking for a proposal, but I do need to know if he wants to get married and have children someday, because I definitely do and if he doesn't, then no matter how much we love each other, it would be a dealbreaker. I just need to know what he wants from life, and if there's a timeline, too. How do I ask?
2006-06-23 04:23:19 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Listen, go to http://www.ivillage.com and go to the video section to relationships or whatever heading it is under as I just do not remember right off the top of my head. There is a section called "what women should know but men won't tell them". These are clips of real men in the read world and how they feel about certain things in relationships. Find the one on "ultimatiums". You will see that every single man said he would probably leave if a woman were to set a time limit on when to make a full committment. They even refer to how long it would take them to consider a relationship for long term. There are two proffessionals who discuss this and other issues, one is in all the video clips and others are guest speakers. I find this very informative.
Each man said it would be at least a year before they would be ready to consider a relationship for prospective long term committment. Men do not get to that place emotionally as soon as women do. We women are prone to getting deeper into a relationship much sooner than a man is. We need to take this into consideration when dealing with a man. If three years have gone by and the man is not making a committment then something is defenantly wrong. There are other things to watch out for too, like if he has had numerious short term "committed" relationships. like if he stays monogamous with one woman for a year or two and then moves on to another one. This is not a good sign that a man who has this type of history will ever settle down with one woman.
We women have a right to have some clarity of what the intentions are of our men. However, it is important to understand how much differently men approach committment verses how we women do. Men just are not as prone to getting serious as soon as we are. They need time to see who the person they are with really is and if they are truly compatable for a long term relatonship.
It sounds like you have struck gold with this man you are with currently. I would tread with care around seeming to be setting a time limit or giving an ultimatium. If this crossroads you have reached is so serious you really may have to consider leaving him behind if he is not ready for that leap of faith yet. If you need to leave really soon, this relationship is not going to work out. Go to that site and watch those video clips. It will help you determine a good way to approach him with your situation. I would be saddened if you left what was a portential wonderful relationship in a hasty manner. If you love him as you say you do you will take his needs into serious consideration while you take this long hard look at your current life situation.
I left one state and moved to the state my fiancee lives in to be closer with him. We now live together and are planning our marriage. It was very difficult for me to leave the area I had lived for thirtysix years. I sold my home, and left my grown children and all my family and friends. It was a leap of faith and it has been one I will never regret regardless of how things work out. However, I feel very strong about where this is going and the level of committment we both have for each other. It was very scary making such drastic changes in my life, but I do not, nor will I ever regret this decision. If he decided tomorrow this was not working out for him after all, i would simple pack up and move back to my home town. Jobs come and go, good men are hard to find, and this is the most wonderful man I have ever had the honor of meeting, let alone have us love each other as we do. I support whatever decision is right for your life. Nobody can make this decision but you. Just remember that this man you are with right now may be the one who will be your life mate, best friend, lover and companion through out the rest of your lifes journey. It sounds like he loves you and is working his way to a full committment. Be very carefull you do not blow something so wonderfull, through fear or whatever else is going on right now. I wish you all the happiness life has to offer. Blessed Be.
2006-06-23 04:58:15 · answer #1 · answered by Serenity 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Straight up ask him. Go to a nice dinner and casually bring it up (don't make it a big deal or he'll freak thinking you want something) but it is your right to know where he sees this is going if you need to know. You can also try probeing in ways like "Why haven't you ever gotten married?" "Why haven't you ever gotten engaged?" etc.
But my advise is, if you talk about relocating, you can just tell by his reaction how important spending the rest of his life is with you because he will protest and he will want to make plans. And sometimes, life changes take people opposite ways... you know, even if he tells you that he wants to marry you someday, he might 1 not mean it or 2 change his mind- no guarantees. Don't give up your dream (or path) for him. You might end up regretting it when you two seperate, or worse you might hold it against him in your mind forever
2006-06-23 11:34:24 · answer #2 · answered by HE'S NOT INTO ME 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's too son to ask and 9 1/2 months is too soon to be talking children and marriage.
Don't put your life on hold and don't pass on on opportunities. Carry on as usual and when a serious relocation oportunity comes up for you, plain ask him that you have this job lined up else where and that you would like to know if therer are any serious prospects for you both to settle down as a couple or not.
Good luck
2006-06-23 11:39:36 · answer #3 · answered by Blunt 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i was kind of in that situation i used to bug him alot lol..he is older than me thats why i think girls just need to know sometimes..u have to say look honey i know we're happy right now and everything is good and i dont wanna change anythinng but maybe i have to re-locate for work and i just need to know if we have a real future like a marriage and kids. YOU REALLY NEED TO ASK lol.....just tell him im not looking to get engaged right now but i feel that if u dont wanna get married eventually that i need to make some decisions about my life..i hope that helped and good luck! tell us what happens! pls!
2006-06-23 11:29:25 · answer #4 · answered by ♥ YaHabibeDisney ♥ 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Be upfront....better sooner than later
2006-06-23 11:49:42 · answer #5 · answered by Ansel P 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋