Why are my family and friends rushing me to get married?

Question

I have been with the same man for over 6 years - we are both in our mid-20s. I do not understand why we have to get married or have children. We are waiting until we are in our mid-30s to settle down and adopt when we hit our 40s. My BF and I have a great time traveling the world together and actually having great careers.

However, family and friends wants us to get married and have kids. Why the rush?

Anybody there got married in their 20s and have kids? What are the things you missed out on? What are the experiences you wouldn't trade for a million bucks?

My dream is to be one of those yuppie couples with lots of disposable income and has an adopted asian baby strapped in a car seat in my BMW.

Answer 1

I think you have the right idea--because you have obviously given carefull consideration as to what is "right for you," and you are trying to live your dreams.

Also, you are choosing to wait to raise a child until you are emotionally and financially prepared to do so, and won't resent the child(ren) because their presence in your life has prevented you from having adventures and seeing what it is like to live independently.

I think many young women face this problem.

Previous generations of women were expected to get married before 22 because society and the economy were structured so that it was nearly impossible for the average woman to earn a living without the support of/contributions of a man.

Children were soon to follow because women were expected to stay at home and this got boring without company--not to mention the fact that the use of birth controll within marriage was looked down upon for religious reasons ("be fruitfull and multiply"). Children gave women a chance to socialize with each other based on the common experiences they had as mothers (this was back when women were expected to ask permission to socialize with other women, to take community college classes, to take dance lessons or art lessons, etc.)

Also, previous generations did not have the high life expectancy ours does, and they certainly didn't have access to fertility drugs that made new parenthood in one's 40's and 50's anything less than shocking.

Your family is pressuring you to conform to the expectations that have applied to previous generations. Be patient with them, but firm.

Tell them that you don't want to resent your kids because they represent lost opportunities. Tell them that you want to live an independent life before committing yourself to creating a new family--that you take marriage and parenthood seriously, an don't want to end up divorced and/or bitter like others you know. Tell them that it's important for you to know that you can "make it on your own," lest anything (goddess forbid) happen to your partner. Let them know that your future plans do include settling down and raising children, but tell them that pressuring you to do these things only makes you want to postpone, because you need to know that when you do settle, the decision is totally yours, that you are making it for all the right reasons.

My mother married when she was 18. Taking care of kids and a husband that ended up in a wheelchair, she missed out on completing college. She never got a real honeymoon, because she was working too hard. She was not able to provide for her kids as she would have liked, because cash flow was always unstable. Most importantly, she never really got to find out who she was, because there were always other people to consider. Now, 54, she's divorced, back in college, and starting to form independent opinions, but she's still a workaholic, still has trouble going places and meeting people unless she has one of her kids with her as a security blanket, and still allows her family to make her feel guilty for not being an ideal housekeeper like the women in her family that DON'T have to work full-time.

Answer 2

I got married at 20. I missed quite a bit. Parties, wild times, and the plain being single thing is gone. But I do think if you both love each other, do the married thing, hold off on the kids. Kids will hold you back from doing much. Trust me. But Don't wait until mid 30's. By the way I am now 26, two kids (5) and (3). WAIT ON KIDS BRO!! But marry the guy. Marriage ain't bad, but just wait on kids, until you don't have to get onto yahoo and ask for advice. lol. When your ready huh? Hope this helps

Answer 3

They are just concerned about you and perhaps don't understand your life plans. I'd calmly let them know that you have other plans for your life and you appreciate their concern, but you've talked about what you each want out of life and right now, marriage and kids aren't it. I've been married a few months and have a baby on the way (I'm 22) and I couldn't be happier, but that's what I always wanted, to get married and have a family. I will miss out on being able to finish college (or at least in a timely manor). The first time I saw an ultrasound picture and saw the baby (okay it looked more like a walnut than a baby, but it's more the idea) that made every sacrifice I've made or will have to make in the future worth it.

Answer 4

You are right, mid twenties you need to travel and advance in your carreer. You are doing the right thing by enjoying your life before settling down.

Perhaps your family push come from other reasons, allow me to list some of them:

-They know that he is a great guy and a good catch, and there are not many of those.
-Both families get along well and it would be great to be actually related.
-After 6 years plus together it's about time to be thinking about the future.
-They don't want you to get old and pass childbearing age without giving them a grandchild.
-Then don't want you to be in one of those 10 year old relationships that lead to nothing and then you will be too "old" to get someone else to marry you.

I say, live your life and don't rush, but also consider your family's point of view since older people "have been there, done that" and wise advice is always good to have on hand.

Good luck

Answer 5

Well.I got married @ 18. i wish i would have waited, but at the same time, we have had fun together and we are learning to be a married couple. Marriage is just like a contract you can work with and make changes or you can void it..We have no kids...That we are waiting on..Ask yourself this....Would get married change anything???? then if it is no ...Then go for it..just dont have any kids yet...just because you get married doesn't mean you have to have kids right away...Good Luck

Answer 6

It sounds to me like you have it going on. Don't let anyone talk you out of it. I was married at 18 and I don't regret one moment of it . I have been married for 40 years. I wouldn't change my life for anything. You have a plan and I think it is a very good one. Just explain to family and friends how you feel and do it. You're not missing anything that you won't have at a later time. Have a wonderful life!!!

Answer 7

You are not alone!!
I'm 28 and very happy with my sweet boyfriend of 4 years. Our families make comments that insinuate that we need to hurry up and get married and start popping out kids! We feel like we're already married, besides we know we are getting married one day so what's the rush. Right now, we're enjoying life and each other. We're saving money to get married and well, just trying to get our careers in order before we "tie the knot". Good luck to you, we shouldn't worry about what others think. It's really none of their business, we're the ones who are content with where we are.

Answer 8

Okay I got married in my twenty's. I was not ready to get married but my mother told my boyfriend we need to get married. so he start pushing. I was in love with him but I wanted to play a while longer. we got married and three years later we had a little girl I would not trade that for anything but some where in the rush to make money and things we lost the fun. don't get me wrong I still loved him it was just not as much fun. I buried him in Oct. 2003. I still miss him and think on the things we were planing on doing. so you see even if you get married still have fun because life does not last forever. good luck in what ever you decide to do

Answer 9

even though i missed out on the travel i had planned, i don't regret having the children and raising them during my 20's. now we share times together that i couldn't enjoy if we had waited til later in life to have them.
now we travel as a family and there is no worrying about where the kids are or who is carrying the bottles for the kids...everyone carries their own load and makes their own agendas...its great!

Answer 10

I am 21 and I am not married. I don't have kids either. People want to rush through everything and parents want committments for their kids. I say that if you are young and able to do the things that you want to do, then do them. It sounds like you already know what and when you want to do things in your life. You have a plan, now stick to it!