I've been unfaithful to my wife. Now what?

Question

I've been married for seven years, very happy most of the time. Our sex life is above average, 2-3 times/week. I love her very much and want to grow old with her.
But I'm still pretty young (30), good looking, and women are attracted to me. Over the last 6 months, while travelling, I have cheated on her twice. Both were quick one-hour-stands.
I know why it happened: I have a high sex drive, I loved the attention I was getting, I liked the naughtiness, and I loved feeling and smelling another woman.
Our marriage is pretty open, but this would absolutely devestate her. To me, it was just sex, but to her it would mean the break of our trust.
I would love to say that I could stop right here, never cheat on her again, and that's that. But I'm not sure. As much as I love her, the thought of just sleeping with one woman for the next 40 years is bugging me.

Please reserve your judgement - I'm looking for prof advise or from someone in the same situtaion.
Do I tell her? Do I need prof. help?

Answer 1

Since you say you are not sure you can or want to stop, telling your wife now would require telling her that or lying to her while you are "getting honest". How do you think she would take "I've cheated on you and I want to continue to cheat on you"? Professional help is advised before any other action. You may have a sex addiction. If you do then there are underlying causes. You don't stand a chance of a happy life either with or without your wife until you deal with those underlying issues. You are probably thinking "Hey I just like sex", but trust me the behavior and delima you describe could mean more. Ask any alcoholic before they get into recovery and they will tell you "I just enjoy drinking". By the way were you drinking when these indiscretions occured? Could be you have more than one issue to deal with. The point is seek some professional help and be completely honest with the therapist you choose. The only thing you have to fear is learning some truth about yourself. We live in an anything goes society so you will probably get all kinds of advice leading you every which direction. I am not judging you, but you and I both know that everything has a price to pay. Continued dishonesty with your wife will destroy your marriage even if she never finds out. More importantly it will destroy you. Talk to a professional therapist and see what they have to say. Don't tell your wife yet as that would be clearing your conscience at the price of destroying her. She doesn't deserve that.

Answer 2

I have been in the same situation but on the other side of it. My husband and I have an open relationship, we have been with other couples and people, only when we were together never alone. He has a very high sex drive needs it every day, and usually he gets it everyday. About a year ago he was with another woman, he considered it just sex, however I considered it cheating, because I was not there. He admitted he loved the attention he got from her and the fact that she wanted him, because in the bedroom he is better than the best. I Love my husband with all my heart, I was heartbroken. I wanted so much for him to just get out of my life but at the same time, I wanted him to stay there and see how much he hurt me. It took time but I forgave him for it, but it will take alot longer for me to forget. The one thing that always and still does stick in my mind is that I can't see my life without my husband. Look in your heart, if you don't feel that you can be faithful or even that she is the one that you want to spend the rest of your life with, then you should end it now, if you do care for her even a little you shouldn't let her live in a lie. She deserves to be happy as well.

Answer 3

If you knew it would devastate your wife and break that trust, then why? For what? A quickie? Do you always think with your penis? Mister, I don't want to be judgmental, but how would you feel if your wife betrayed you in the same way? I don't think you'd like it, don't think you'd think it was okay or "meant nothing".. It does mean something. It means instead of investing yourself in the relationship with your wife, you took the easy way out and invested you in strangers. Tells me a lot. Tells me you don't think too well of yourself and don't have much respect for yourself. No self worth, no concept of how your behavior affects your wife because you don't value you. Need help? Definitely. Something is wrong with you and blaming boredom or whatever else is a cop out. Get some help and come clean with your wife or get out of her life.

Answer 4

I think you need professional help and need to decide whether you're committed to your relationship with your wife. If you're not committed, you might as well break up now. If you are committed, you must stop this behavior.
The reason is more than sex, it is about deception. Your behavior is deceptive. Now it is about women. Next it will be about money, or something else. A long term relationship must have a large degree of trust.

Answer 5

You don't need professional help as you've located your problem. You don't have any self-control. Yes you need to tell her, and it is not just her "thinking it is a break of trust" - YOU DID BREAK THE TRUST. Now be man and deal with it. I'm not judging, I'm giving you the advice you asked for.

Answer 6

i know for my self i have been there for both sides. I was the cheater and i was the one cheated on. I do love my hubbie, but we have told one another or found out about the things we have done. i know as a cheater i was happy with the other man. as a wife i was sadden to know i was not what he wanted. its really a toss up. she either will leave or stay. you must give her the right to choose. I know you think there is a answer to this question but there is not a right or wrong way to go about this. i know I'm 25, two kids and been with my hubbie scents i was 16.. i know that two years ago it was my first time to cheat. after that i have tried not too. but its very hard to push down the feeling of another man loving you. you must look to your self and see if you want her for life or is the touch a soft skin on your body worth the lost time with her.

Answer 7

You don't need professional help, you just need to utilize self control. You should start now, because no cheater goes undiscovered, and your lack of good judgment may well be what takes your wife away from you. Decide what is more important in your life, soon.

Answer 8

Get help if u want to save your marriage , think about it what if the shoe was on the other feet ? what if your wife cheated ? would you be OK with that ? seek help man and don't ruin a good thing over a fling here and there it ain't worth it

Answer 9

Yes you need counseling to figure out why you would expect faithfulness from her and not hold yourself to the same standard. You need to figure out why you are doing this since you know it will be devastating to your relationship with her and since you also state that you want to grow old with her. You are at cross purposes with what you really want and before you lose the chance to have what you want you best sort out which is more important,, the instant gratification or the long term. At any rate, she deserves honesty but I am pretty sure you need to have a back up in place with a counselor before you blurt out this unwelcome news of your emotional and physical unfaithfulness to her.

Answer 10

do not tell!
there is no need to share your guilt if that is what you are feeling.
keep your mouth shut.

do you need prof help? hard to tell but if you seek the help you will need an excuse for the expense with the wife.
I traveled for 15 years for work.

all that being said, do not forget to practice safe sex.

if she was cheating, would you want to know? what good would it do? don't volunteer information, and don't ask questions that you really do not want the answer to.