Why are people so unwilling to accept an inability to conceive?

Question

Fertility treatments are no picnic... they're painful and expensive and result in frequent miscarriages, troubled pregnancies, multiple births or excess embryos which must be discarded...
Why not adopt?

I haven't judged anyone, I have laid out the situation as I see it, which is that fertility treatments are miserable. I understand that many people are also not eligible to adopt, which must be a terrible situation.
But I know many couples without children, and I still think after six years of endless suffering, for which you have my sympathy, isn't it time to just begin the mourning and move on?
Saying that I don't understand this and wanting to talk about it is NOT judgment.

Answer 1

You obviously do not suffer from infertility. I do not use that word lightly. It is suffering. Infertility is one of the most traumatic experiences a person can have.

Having a child is a rite of passage. It is something all women dream of- ever since we started shoving pillows up our shirts when we were kids. To have that dream taken away from you so quickly and possibly forever is completely devastating. Never to know whether your future child will have your eyes or your husband's. Never to see what quirks and talents a future child will have. Never to experience a pregnancy- the positive pregnancy test, morning sickness, ultrasounds, babies kicking, child birth, holding that slimy little newborn while in tears. Every mother has these memories and cherishes them. I would never think of taking these memories from her. You know, those of us who are infertile are not asking for anything special. I want a kid who has my husband's blue eyes, but my ears that stick out a little too far. I want our child to have my creativity, but my husband's street smarts. My mother's devotion and his mother's unconditional regard. I want a kid that blends in with the rest of the class and plays one of the 7 dwarfs, not Snow White in the school play. We want a child that doesn't change the world, but profoundly changes our lives. You know, a child that isn't special to anyone....but us.
You can argue that we could receive all of this through adoption. But this is a decision that is very difficult to make. It is something we need to come to ourselves. Insensitively telling us that we are foolish, greedy, or selfish doesn't help us with our pain or our decision. It just makes us bitter and angry. Remember, we have been wishing and waiting for this our entire lives and suddenly all hope is lost. No one can ever understand that unless they have experienced it personally. You can say that you understand, but you never will. Not until a doctor rips all hope from you in one quick moment, telling you that you will never have a child, followed by countless insensitive people telling you to relax, pray, or adopt. There are even people that will say, "You are infertile because of something you did." or "Maybe God doesn't think you should be a parent." On what planet is this considered helpful? There are people that kill their own infant children. A child in this area had most of his bones fractured and internal injuries after his dad beat him to death. God wanted him to be a parent, but not us?!? What makes us worse (potential) parents than him?????
If you have a child, and it was a troubled pregnancy or a multiple birth, followed by weeks in the NICU and countless surgeries, wouldn't you say it was all worth it, just to have a baby of your own to love, protect, and cuddle? I think a child is worth the pain and expensive treatment. What price do you put on your child? Is $15,000 too expensive? $100,000? $1 million. Nothing is too much, right?

My original point, don't tell us what to do unless you've experienced it, every agonizing moment, every diminished dream. Let me put this into perspective.

You carried a child for 9 months. You bonded with her. You played her music and she kicked along to Billy Joel. You were sure she was going to play the piano. You watched her do gymnastics on the ultrasound. You spent 12 hours in labor and when she was born, held her tight and cried. She was finally here. After waiting your entire life, then trying for months to conceive her, waiting 9 months to meet her....she was finally here. You finally see what she looks like and you can't wait until she first smiles at you.
Then I walk into the room with a different baby. You don't know who the mother and father are. You don't know what her prenatal history is. You don't know what her delivery was like. I carefully take your newborn daughter from you and place the different baby into your arms and walk away. You begin to yell and scream, "Give me back my baby!" I turn back to you and calmly say, "I know it’s not your baby. But she's just as good. You can adopt her."
Let us make this decision on our own. Many of us do want to adopt, but we will never relinquish the dream of a biological child.

Answer 2

Do you have children of your own & were you able to successfully conceive w/o the use of fertility assistance?

If so, then I don't think you should be asking this question.

If you have had trouble conceiving, I'm sorry - however, just because you feel this way, doesn't mean all of the other women out there who long for a "child of their own" shouldn't be given the right to try.

Lastly - if you don't have children at all - you will understand the minute your child comes into your life - wether by adoption or natrual child birth.

Sorry to seem a little harsh, but I think that should be each individual's choice w/o being rideculed about it.

Answer 3

I think it's because of the desire to create something that is all your own. And you see people out there being able to do it left and right...even people who don't want children. And you want it so badly. Because from the time that you're a little girl, the majority of women dream about their children, pick their names, plan their family. Then, they get married and think how beautiful a child will be with mom's eyes and dad's hair.

Not everyone can have children, it's a cruel fact of life. Not everyone can adopt. Health issues, age, etc. really can limit the options available to a couple. There's many reasons people don't let it go, and anyone who has ever been in the position of not being able to conceive and then being helped by science will tell you that when you give birth to a child, it makes all of the sacrifices worth it.

Answer 4

I am sure that there are many reasons why people don't want to adopt.... In my case I was able to carry a child and then he passed away at less than a year. I want to have the joy of carrying a child for 9 months and go through everything that the newborns go through... I don't want to adopt at a year or two old. I have family members who adopt from other countries and it is so expensive. I will try anything to get pregnant again. I guess even if it is more expensive then adoption.

Answer 5

It is such a joy to create something of your own to know that your family and your genes will continue on into another generation. I think that adoption is a great thing also. But I think that if myself or my partner had a problem, I think that I would be willing to go through with an alternative to get myself pregnant, or maybe even find somone who could carry a child for me if that's the case. But if all of that fails, then I would turn to adoption. But like I said, It is such a fulfilling dream for people who want kids, to have their kids be genetically a part of them.

Answer 6

My husband and I have gone through some fertility teatments. You are right, they are no picnic. We have looked into adoption, but we are not eligible to adopt. I have been through hormone treatments, but that is all. My hormones just don't stay up to support a pregnancy. We do it, because we both want a baby. I would love to go through pregnancy again.

Answer 7

I'm not infertile, but I imagine if I were, I'd probably be very upset that I couldn't do something that I, as a woman, was designed to do...conceive a baby and carry it to term. I can't imagine the feelings women like this have. I imagine it's a sick, sad, and lonely feeling. I truly feel sorry for childless couples who can't conceive a baby. If I were in this position (and could do it financially) I'd go to a fertility clinic.

Answer 8

I think because that is the only reason that we are here. To keep society going and when we can't do that then we fail our "lifes goal". For a woman, it is personal shame to know that we failed as women. There are children born to women every day that don't want them and for women that do want them, they can't. How fair is that? There are a lot of children who need to be adopted and some couples don't want to do that because its not carrying on their genes.

Answer 9

I don't know if you have actually been through any of those things that you spoke of and if you have I am sorry that you had to go through those things but here is the thing, adoption is fine but sometimes you just really want your to have your own children, your own flesh and blood

Answer 10

Quite expensive
painful
waste of time
if you cant make it on eman
go to a club and make it through an other man sometimes it works and less cheaper than reatemets?

If woman is faulty no other go than ffertility treatment