2003 -my Bf(i did not meet him then) was reading a forum, and found a suicidal woman (she's older to him, married to abusive guy),she was looking for love & help from strangers online.
they both live in different countries, however, (according to my Bf) he contacted her& tried to help out by giving her advice on how to deal with her abusive husband. He tried to get her to develop her independance & stand up to her husband. but in 2yrs she never put any effort & only asked for online sex/comfort from him. she fell madly in love with him,& he reciprocated. they never met.
1yr ago-i met him,he loves me and proposed. told HER about me, she got jealous, IM'ed me to leave him.
i ditched my Bf, he convinced me he loves me ONLY. when i said ditch her, he was hesitant saying shez suicidal. after i ditched him for good, he ditched her and came back to me.
says shez gone4ever. dunno if they're secretly online.says 2trust him.shud i trust? thugh he denies,wud he still have feelings for he?
2006-06-22 21:28:51 · 14 answers · asked by birthday girl 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
shez in a FAR country & they will NEVER meet. what REALLY bothers me is that he WAS a bit upset letting her go, says, because hez worried on how shez abused. But since they had online romance and sex, (which at first he denied, but later admitted when i insisted) it does not look like just "help". I know they exchanged a lot of sexual talks. he'z a nice guy. but i dont want to live all my life wondering if she came back looking for his love, and he reciprocated in secret from me. he'z told me million times to forget her, shez dead for him. but i dont know if i shud trust him, because i remember he was upset for 3 days after he ditched her. now he behaves like he forgot her, but iam sure he did not. It would have been perfect for me to marry him, but i need some PROOF that he wont keep any secret relations with her, considering he denied sexual relations with her first when i asked. Plus he refuses to show me her past IM's to him saying its a promise to her that he wud not leak her IM's
2006-06-22 21:37:50 · update #1
Your problem doesnt seem to be the boyfriend, you say you trust him and believe him.. then why doubt him?? He wasnt the one causing the problems and heartache for yourself it was the other women, you need not to let her get to you.. when you start allowing ppl to ruin your day and now your life over something they say what is that saying about your self esteem?I think you need to question yourself and ask is this what i really want cus it seems to me your looking for a way out.
2006-06-22 21:35:20 · answer #1 · answered by ToYsTeMpTer 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think that there isnt trust between you
but it can happen all too often that a guy tries to help someone who is 'apparently' in a difficult situation - but when they try and live their own lives they find themselves ensnared
i had a friend online (not the ensnaring type) who ahd that happen to him. When he tried to escape her clutches she then started to say that she had just had news of a death in the family (all too conveinient). It was a ploy to get and keep her claws into him.
But i told my friend that if that lady really DID need someone to talk to then give her my im address. Not surprisingly i never heard from her - and she stopped bothering him too.
I think your bf needs to learn that not to take everything he comes across online at face value - also to change his online details so she cant continue to hook him into her mind games. If her husband really is abusive then the best kind of help is locally - NOT from your bf.
Did you show your bf the ims you got from her about ordering you to ditch him? and if she threatens 'suicide' that is her responsibility not your bfs (but that is almost always a ruse to try and keep him hooked into her mind games)
given all that - do you trust your fella?
if not then what kind of future can you build on a lack of trust?
by all means show this to your bf if you feel it helps - i am sure your bf isnt the first who has been emotionally suckered by somone online and probably wont be the last
2006-06-23 05:01:43 · answer #2 · answered by Aslan 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Trust is the foundation of a great marriage.
If you can't resolve this issue internally and trust him, you shouldn't marry him because you will only become more suspicious over the long term.
Or you should simply delay getting married until you can verify that trust.
Ronald Reagan once said, "Trust but verify."
At the very least, you should be able to tell him how he can regain your trust. Once he has willingly walked "the straight and narrow" and proven himself, marry him without hesitation.
"There is no fear in love; perfect love drives out all fear. So then, love has not been made perfect in anyone who is afraid, because fear has to do with punishment. (I John 4:18)"
2006-06-23 09:27:24 · answer #3 · answered by obiwanshu 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The key to any relationship is trust and openess.
I hear you saying that you have a lack of trust in your bf, and you wish to seek his version of the 'truth' from his IM messages.
Some things to think about are
* how did the depth of 'cyber' relationship develop, is your bf seeking more in a personal or needs way that he thinks is present between you
* his refusal to let go of her fully suggests a bond that may be more than 'i have to stop her committing suicide'
* he needs to be primarily committed to you before you can think of marriage, and that must be to you only
* she sounds like she has multiple issues that are best dealt with by a face to face counsellor
* if she is pressuring you to leave him then (and he knows it) then he has a major commitment issue
take time and wait
regards
Peter
2006-06-23 05:00:23 · answer #4 · answered by Peter H 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is look like love is your world.Try to make it a part of your life or a part of your world. Because you have a lot of thing to do for the rest of your life. In This case you can do anything as you like but don't against the law of your country. Because nobody can resist pressure of love(may be pressure of sex). May be somebody will not accept this theory, but it is true. After you did as your like,don't put very big it on your life. It is a piece of cake.
You are lucky because I am so free in this time.
2006-06-23 04:56:54 · answer #5 · answered by PiPi 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you should forget about him. If he loves only you, why was he so upset when you asked him to leave her alone? I believe the suicidal thing was just to get sympathy. It's been 3 years and she hasn't attempted to kill herself yet!! If she's being abused and is afraid of her husband, how does she have time to have cyber-sex? I just think think, it's all a lie.
2006-06-23 05:05:30 · answer #6 · answered by caramel_sundae1077 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Trust him, give him the benefit of the doubt... if you perceive even the tiniest signal from her still in contact with your FIANCÃ... dump him. That would be a sign of him being not more sane than her.
If she keeps up bothering both of you, change your e-mails, it may be weird... but works (I tried it, and worked)... AND if she starts again with this suicidal sh!t, don't listen, real suicidals don't announce it.
2006-06-23 04:35:36 · answer #7 · answered by ma_isa 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
here is my suggestion, not that you should follow, but to me , it seems you have no willing trust for him from the past, to present a future together, you might want to consider if he truly is sorry for giving you the ultimatium of breaking it off the first time, if he still feels he needs to guide others from hurting themselves ,then he needs to understand how to differ from reality to a woman from the net, he lost you once, will he do it again?
2006-06-23 04:34:57 · answer #8 · answered by buriedinthepast2003 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well see .................the thing over here is that u don't want to leave that guy...............if u really like him and want to marry him u just have a straightfoward talk wid him concerning u , him and that lady............if he hesitates a bit just leave him( this means he is just having fun wid two of u ).......................if he gives a positive response then just be happy b'coz this will make sure that he loves u
2006-06-23 05:18:00 · answer #9 · answered by Mellesa 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Trust us! We are 1 million total strangers with various mental capacities who are going to give you advice.
2006-06-23 04:32:44 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋