How can I control my temper?

Question

I love my boy friend and my mom very much but they are the ones I snap at the most. I tend to speak before I think with them. I know it hurts them and that's why I want to stop. I have this fear of losing them and I don't know if that's part of the problem. I mean this fear is with everyone I love but I think it's stronger with them. Please help me. I don't want them to turn their backs on me (which they've both said they wouldn't but it didn't help) because I can't control myself. Serious answers only please. I really need help.

Answer 1

Anger management is very hard because it has a lot to do with a chemical reaction in your brain that tells you to fight or flight. You've been abandon somewhere in your life and you have to come to terms with that inside of yourself. The hate with which you feel comes from fear and the fear subsides in you mind and creates sadness. So instead of facing just the sadness alone it creates anger to guard you from being hurt.

The best way of dealing with the anger habits is to prevent it occurring in the first place. This means getting to know the triggers that evoke angry feelings and systematically defusing each trigger situation's ability to affect you.

Action Step 1: Remind yourself of a few facts

Fact 1: Recognise that you are not omnipotent! You cannot change the world. You cannot win every argument - every I'm-right-you're-wrong battle. And you cannot change other people - they have a right to their own views and behaviours.

Fact 2: Recognise that, just like you, other people are fallible and human. And that they are just as likely as you to say or do inappropriate and thoughtless things on occasions. Accept this and don't nourish a grievance when they do get it wrong.

Fact 3: Recognise that your anger hurts you much more than it hurts others - it affects your peace of mind, your relationships and your physical health.

Action Step 2: Find your anger-triggers

First find the triggers. Triggers are your signals that it is time to get angry and they are important because once one has been activated the feelings occur automatically and inevitably. So, from moment to moment, pay attention to what irritates you. So spend the next week or two building a list of these anger-triggers. Do it on a card or scrap of paper that you keep with you throughout the day.

Action Step 3: Rate the triggers on a Red Scale of 1-10

When you've got a sizeable list go through it and give a 10 score to triggers that evoke uncontrollable fury and 1 to those evoking very mild irritation. Get a sheet of paper, draw a line down the centre and on the left hand side re-write your 'Red Scale' triggers beginning with the highest scorers. On the opposite side write *all * the meanings (the mind-reading interpretations) that you tend to attach to each event. For example: lets' say being overtaken while driving is a trigger. Opposite this you might write 'they think they're better than me', or 'they're trying to look down on me because I have an old car' or 'because I'm younger/older than they', etc.

Once the triggers are on paper some of these meanings will appear silly to you. Great! You are on your way to feeling in control of your moods. But most will still be active triggers - as with phobias, an anger-response is an emotional and not a rational activity.

Action Step 4: Create a Trigger of the Week Card

Begin by selecting a moderate trigger - say one that scores four or five on your Red Scale. Make this your 'Trigger of the Week'. Write it on a sealed envelope or a 3 x 5 index card so you have a reminder with you at all times.

Beneath it write the significances or interpretations that you normally give such situations and which provoke your anger. Then list the *costs * of being a victim to this type of situation. For example, consider what it costs you when you get angry because the kids didn't clean their rooms? Your peace of mind is undermined for hours after the argument. They sulk for hours - days if they are teenagers. Perhaps you and your spouse argue over the importance of it at all. And so the list goes on.

Next, on the other side of your card list some *Better Ways * than becoming angry of getting what you want. What is a better way than shouting at kids of getting them to come home on time? What is a better way of getting respect from colleagues, friends or strangers. (In some cases there may be no way of doing this so accept that.) When you want your life-partner to understand you are there better ways than banging doors or shouting at them? Remind yourself, too, that you can't always get what you want - so accept that and get on with your life.

Action Step 5: Use the card when a trigger is activated

Every time your Trigger of the Week gets activated think to yourself, in the moment, 'here we go again - my trigger has been activated and I'm reacting like a puppet whose strings are being pulled - and this is no longer acceptable to me'.

Take a few relaxing breaths and then reflect on the implications of being a helpless victim to that trigger. Don't get angry with yourself, though, there's no point in that - it's just wired-in button. Simply decide you've had enough of it and that you are now learning to respond more appropriately. Use your Better Ways list and visualise how you could have responded.

Your investment in peace of mind

Work your way through all the anger-triggers on your list. Leave the highest scoring ones till last when you will have built up skill and confidence in neutralising triggers. These steps will require a few minutes a week but when you consider how long have you been at the mercy of your anger moods you may well decide that this is a good investment of your time and attention.

Watch out for Secondary Gain...

Secondary gain is a psychological term for the pay-off you get from having a problem. So what do you get from becoming angry? Does it give you a feeling of power, as for example when you notice that it intimidates others? Does it give you a feeling of being hard-done-by? Is anger the only way you currently have of protecting yourself from others who might otherwise control or overwhelm you?

This secondary gain will undermine your anger-resolving process unless you get it really clear in your mind that you no longer want such a pay-off. Or that you now have better ways of attaining it.

Last point - not all anger is unhealthy

Bear in mind that not all anger is unhealthy. Sometimes anger is quite appropriate - it can be our final defence against allowing other people to manipulate or dominate us. And it can motivate us to take action against injustice.

Anger is healthy when it is not on-going but is usefully channelled into appropriate action.

Hope it helps!

Answer 2

What will control your temper? It's called maturity and 26 is a good time to develop some. The only control you will ever have is self-control. Lack of which causes most of the trouble we read about here in Yahoo. Practice makes perfect. The first step? own it, next time you lose your temper, catch yourself, apologize, and tell the person you are yelling at that you need a "retake", then say what you need to without yelling, cursing, or being rude. Practice makes perfect. It can be done. I've seen it. Good luck.

Answer 3

Anger is something which destroy ur life. Keep yourself away from it. If u feel that u r getting angry ...
1. Look at the mirror & try to smile.
2. Close ur eyes
3. Take deep breath
4. Involved yourself in some creative job.
5. Think yourself next to GOD, forgive & forget everyone.
6. Selfishness delivers ANGER & ILL TEMPRAMENT
7. belives that world is the only place where we can workout our salvation. So work hard,Serve Humans,Do good to comunity,Nation and to the world at large.
8.Think BIG, Speak Truth, Love everyone,
9. Diet plays very important role in temper, BE VEGETARIAN.
10.Make everyone happy.

Answer 4

Hi there i went throw the same situation and lost my girlfriend and it hurts so what i would suggest is that when you feel you are about to snap or shout breath in throw your nose and out throw your mouth 10 times. This is one of the first steps of anger management and it works because i saw a Dr and he had told me that would help me to reduce my temper. Hope this helps you

Answer 5

i have a problem of controlling my temper too. At times it got so bad,I would just react the way I want to towards my boyfriend in a public place.but my bad tempers took a toll in my relationship. my boyfriend disliked my temperamental attitude.
our relationship was on the rocks.
I started to be more calm and patient than i ever did before..
Now when there's somethin that causes me to fire up,i count take a deep breathe and count 1 to 10 before exhaling.
Repeat the several times until you feel that whatever anger feeling that is brewing in you has subsides.It works.
I feel better.

Answer 6

Firstly, take time and think carefully why you can not control your temper; 1) Are you in a way I want control over them and the way of your doing and thinking always right, and wanting them to listen to you. 2) How about looking at a different view points? 3). That your methods are right while theirs are wrong.

Give yourself a thought, these are about one EQ.

Answer 7

Join a gym take kickboxing class and take out your frustrations there. By the time you get done you will have cooled off and won't be as mean when you confront them.

Answer 8

well i have a bad temper to.... my mom has made me so made sometimes i just start tellin her i hate her and *** her and so on.... i have gotten a lil better bout it now... when i get back now i will just walk away and go hit something if not that then go in my room and lay in my bed and cry... cryin takes away my anger alot..... if they make you mad or you feel like ur bout to snap walk out the room dont say a word walk out.... hit something go cry just do something.... i was really bad bout it i would run off go in my room and cut my wrist..... but i stopped doin that.... just cry or hit something..........

Answer 9

Go on counting numbers or start walking lonely for half an hour.

Answer 10

2 famous tricks:
Keep your tongue between the teeth.
Count to ten.

Exercise listening with an existing friend who is willing to help you.