Is it cheating?

Question

We've been married about two years. He had a difficult time adjusting when we had our son. He missed his old life and blamed me for everything. We fought all the time and he drank all the time. He is in college and he developed a "crush". I found out because he was looking her up on the internet and calling her. When I asked him about it, he admitted that he seeked her out because I made him feel so bad about himself that it was nice to have someone to make him feel better. She was an "escape". I know he did not cheat, but only because this girl is very serious about her boyfriend. Since I found out he's been a perfect husband.

Answer 1

Before you do anything else: he didn't actually cheat, and he didn't hide his activities well enough to keep you from finding out -- and may not have been hiding them in the first place. You're both also quite young (still in college.)

Have you considered that this was his way of getting your attention, letting you know he's not happy and trying to get a dialog going? Granted, it's not a SMART way, or a GOOD way, or a RECOMMENDED way -- but it certainly got the conversation started, and he had the chance to tell you what's bothering him: his self esteem is suffering in this relationship, and he feels compelled to seek out someone else to make him feel good about himself again.

So the real problem isn't the "cheating/not cheating" thing: it's figuring out why he feels this way, and trying to solve the problem. It could be as simple as You Have Son, He Feels Neglected, He Seeks Other Activities, You Try To Restrict His Activities, He Feels Like A Child Instead Of A Man (YHSHFNHSOAYTTRHAHFLACIOAM for short -- heh.) It might also be more complicated than that. The important thing is that he's now told you, so start dealing with it.

The fact that he's been a perfect husband since suggests that you may not actually have a problem -- it may be that he's felt unable to tell you how he felt, and now that he's told you, he feels much better. It might also mean he realizes that he's accomplished something by telling you, and now he's being good while you figure out what to do next.

For what it's worth, it is quite typical for a man to feel neglected at first, when his first child is born, because his wife is now a mother, and has only so much time and energy to pass around. Typically, guys will find other things -- and people -- to give them attention until the baby-rearing responsibilities start to wane and their spouses have more time to be a wife again.

Case in point: when my twins were born, I started hanging out with a girl I worked with. Did we have an affair? Hell no; no offense to her, but we wouldn't hook up if we were single, we're not compatible people. What it did for me was exactly what I've described: it gave me the comfort of knowing that, even though my wife couldn't give me attention right now, at least someone else could. Once my kids got a little older (a few months), I stopped hanging out with her.

Recently I had a conversation with my mother (she and my father are still married); it turns out when my oldest sister was born, my father started spending time with a woman -he- worked with. I know from talking to him that is was similar to my situation; it just gave him the attention he needed while my mother concentrated on the baby, and when she gave him attention again, he stopped hanging out with her. No affair, nothing inappropriate; just a temporary wife's-attention-substitute (companionship attention, not sexual or affectionate attention) while mom was learning to be a mom. Nevertheless, when he first started doing it, my mother worried that he was having an affair; she decided to trust him eventually, and all was well. Interesting point of fact: until this conversation almost fourty years after this happened, she had a tinge of doubt, that perhaps he had cheated; after I told her about my activities after my kids were born, she finally let that last bit of doubt go.

Finally: remember that having a baby is HARD. You know this, because you've been through this, but realize that it's hard on the father as well. It doesn't make sense, because we didn't go through the physical trauma, but between the lack of attention, the huge increase in responsibility, and just plain old lack of sleep, we men are quite the disaster for the first few weeks or months. Bear with us.

Answer 2

I wouldn't consider it cheating. It is always nice to have someones attention if someone else is making you feel bad about yourself. Now you know what the problem was and you can work on it. I think that you should talk with your husband and let him now that you have to have open communication. If he has a problem then he needs to come to you and discuss it with you. I think you should put this behind you and bring your marriage back together. I wouldn't put up with it a second time. Just remember if you love him then also take into cosnideration of your sons life to. The choices we make will have an impact on our kids. You did make the promise for better or for worse.

Answer 3

WHY DOES EVERYONE HERE SEEM TO THINK OF THIS AS CHEATING? DID HE MEET HER AT ANOTHER PLACE? DID HE DO HER? OR DID HE JUST TALK TO A LADY WHO HAPPENED TO BE A FRIEND, AND UNDERSTOOD WHAT HE WAS GOING THROUGH. AS I UNDERSTAND IT WAS JUST THE INTERNET. MAYBE HE WAS AFRAID TO TALK TO THE WIFE ABOUT THE PROBLEM FOR FEAR THAT SHE WOULD DUMP HIM FOR WHATEVER REASON.
IS IT WRONG TO HAVE A FREIND OF THE OPPOSITE SEX JUST BECAUSE YOU GOT MARRIED? I DON'T SEE WHERE THAT IS WRONG. JUST BECAUSE YOU GET MARRIED DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO FORGET ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS NOR DOES IT MEAN YOU CAN'T MAKE NEW ONES ALONG THE WAY. IT DOES MEAN THAT YOU CAN'T BE DOING ANYONE ELSE, BUT TALKING IS OKAY AND IN SOME CASES GOOD FOR THE REALATIONSHIP.

Answer 4

Yes. He was wrong from the get go for blaming you for his inability to adjust to "LIFE". He did not make that baby on his own, nor was he the only one in the relationship that had to learn to adjust to a changing environment.

If your love him and he has asked for your forgiveness , then forgive him and work on your relationship. But don't let him blame you for his personal problems.

Answer 5

if he's been the perfect husband and isn't cheating deal with issues as they come up and tell him that next time he feels bad again to talk to you about it before going elsewhere to feel better.

Answer 6

Grey area. Maybe he wasn't physically cheating, but there's a pretty good chance he was atleast emotionally cheating. Can you forgive and move on?

Answer 7

If everything is good then leave the past in the past.

Answer 8

grey area there so I guess it's if it bothers you that he did because it would have sorda been emotionaly cheating.But something you should forgive him for everybody makes mistakes and it seems he realized this one.

Answer 9

Dump him.
You deserve better!!!
1st it's internet, you let it go, next, it's cheating.
Dump him. it will only get worse.

Answer 10

seems like he forgot he was married . to you my opion?