Why dont they listen to me?

Question

At the moment i am having realtionship difficulties with both my eldest and youngest son. Both aged under 8. When i ask them politely to do the simpliest of tasks, they stare at me with a blank. If i offer to help with the task asked, encouraging them to join in, they dont join in and tend to sit back and watch me do the job. I have to shout at them to get them to listen, which i hate. The tasks are things like getting dressed, siting down for tea or tidying the mess. Ive tried rewards and smily charts and these dont work. Even a time-out corner, Ive done the-going-on-strike-thing with them, saying its your role and your responsibility, however nothing has seemed to work. Is there any suggestions, as i dont want to use my loud voice on them, i feel awful when i have to use it. Sometimes they just laugh at me, when i use it, thinking im just messing about.

Answer 1

They might be testing your limits and realizing that they can dominate you with their behavior and they are winning.

Instead of telling them what to do (in which case they can say NO and just be stubborn) don't give them a chance to say no - give them options.

"Ok, do you want to get into your pajamas or brush your teeth?" Not "put on your pajamas" in which case they could say NO. They obviously don't care about time-out. Give them choices so they feel in charge of what happens to them next - instead of feeling like they need to lash out at you.

Answer 2

The sad part of your question is the children's age. Children that age tend to think that what they say is not heard, which may have resulted in the 'shouting' culture developing in your home. Anger does not sit well with children and if they see it as the norm, they themselves become angry adults. These kids dont sound a threat to anyone, so a calm and balanced approach to tiresome chores is best. Mary Poppins is a really difficult figure to emulate, dont be too surprised if you cant compete. You may feel like a war has broken out in your home but wars just cause pain and misery, the real problems are solved by talks and negotiations not heavy handed action. Teach your children that cheekiness can be tolerated but rudeness cannot, and make them understand the difference. We hope our children will be leaders and independant, but we expect them to behave like sheep, try to understand them and you will always feel joy and pride.

Answer 3

Hi my son who is 25 now , he use to do that when he was little, so I eventually waited till he was about watch TV etc and I would sit in front of the screen and stare back.
I alway matched up his naughtyness with an appropriate "punishment", what ever you do stick to it, otherwise they know if they hold out long enough you give up.
Eat an ice cream and when they ask just stare back and dont give in,
Meal times serve the meal up and if they dont eat iyt leave it, when they are hungry let them come to the table and eat the cold meal. The cold meal wont harm them.

Answer 4

I am in the same boat, but things have started changing in this house. I feel for you. I know how frustrating it is, because you think you're doing everything right and nothing works. I have 2 boys, 6 and 8.

Here's some of the things that have started working for me.

1) Less, or NO T.V. time. TV is a HUGE distraction in this house, so simply shutting it off and hiding the remote forces them to give me more attention.
2) Less yelling, but rather getting down eye to eye and telling them my request. They are not allowed to walk away from me or break eye contact until they understand the task at hand and reply with a YES MOM.
3.) Back up. I don't know if you have a husband or if he is around when there is need of discipline.....but it is extrememly helpful to be a united front.....both calm and very adamant adults.
4) Giving the children their normal "fun" things only after they've behaved......I mean simple things like snacks, outside time, watching a movie. These are not rewards, they are just everyday things they have to work for.
5)When my kids ask me to do something, they dont' get a yes from me until they return the favor. "mom can you make us slushies?"--sure, after you get showered up, and put your laundry away.
6) Being consistent.....day after day. Shower, pajamas, clean up, then TV. Or.....no one leaves the dinner table without taking the items from the table.......and you must FOLLOW THROUGH with this even if it takes all night to clear 5 things from the table!!! Cause I assure you, after 3 months of this, they will get the idea and it will take 5 minutes.
7) if you DO take away a privelege or a thing, make sure it matters to THEM. My son's favorite thing this time of year is to go out and ride his bike. The first thing I take away is that. It breaks my heart, but it WORKS because he HATES when I do that.
8) When they don't get dressed, I put them out for the bus in their PJ's. Dont' want to help get their own breakfast ready? Fine, they won't eat.
9) Routine, routine. Make everything you want to happen part of a consistent routine. Wake up, eat, get dressed, brush teeth, put clothes and toys away, feed cat. Whatever it is, make it exactly the same each day and night so they arent' suprised and dont' have the chance to fight you.
10). Dont' say no to everything. Do something that will suprise them now and then so they know you're not all rules. Let them have ice cream for dinner one night when they ask. Or if they ask for a toy in the store, go ahead and get it. This will make them positive and in a good mood......at which point you can get them to cooperate easier.

Be serious, be brutally stubborn in your decisions. The trick is to not cave in. Following through is the hardest thing to do cause we're tired, frustrated, and it's easier to either give them what they want, or do it ourselves. This simply teaches them that if they persist then we will break. They will find your weak point and exploit it.

Stick with it......if you enforce your rules over and over tirelessly, show them it won't change......it will take a few exhausting months, but they will get the idea that it's your way, or the highway.

Answer 5

This is so sad.WAKE UP!!They are walking all over top of you.Where is there father in all of this.Does he have any control?Unless, they are 2 yrs old, and even my 2 yr old dresses herself, you should NOT be dressing your children.All children try their parents once in a while, but give me a break....you are a doormat.Raise your voice...take things away...do what you need to do to tell them you need business and that you are in control.If it gets to the point they only have a mattress on their bedroom floor, so be it.they caused this.Take away everything, raise your voice to the point they know who is the parent.If needed, seek professional help.You are going to end up in the nutty farm if you dont.TAKE CONTROL!!!Dont give in and be consistent.If you say...this is the consequence for doing this, then do it.If they dont dress themselves, they can sit naked in the floor all day.Then when it comes time to go where they want to...a party, a friends house, say...well since it took you two hours naked in the floor to get dressed, then it will take me two hours to get done the chores we could have had done....if you would have helped without throwing your fits.When they laugh in your face...that means they are trying to piss you off.Dont let them.Give it a care free attitude and hey....if your married or they have a father who is involved in their lives,MAKE him step up.There is no way my hubby would let our kids do this to me.

Answer 6

Give them the silent treatment. Tell them that you have gone on strike and they will have to take care of themselves. After they miss a meal or two and don't have clean dishes or clothes, they will change their tunes. You have to stick with it until it works. Then tell them that there are some changes that will be made. Don't raise your voice. Talk in a low and even tone. Now they will know that you mean business.

Answer 7

I'm only 19 yet feel ALOT OLDER i have been working with many kids since i was 15 or so. I have come to learn that kids are going to be kids let them fall and dont help them .....I know it sounds harsh and mean but letting them fail and not helping them COULD be the best thing that you've ever done for them.....I've seen my older brother who is 21 now go through drug abbusement and deal with the cops and much much more. My mom finally stopped helping him and he soon realized that without her help he would be stuck and have to learn what to do on his own.... Trust me it helps your child become strong and like they always say WE LEARN FROM OUR MISTAKES..... so dont take it soo hard when your kids dont listen...... Remember GOD LOVES you and when ur kids get older they'll understand better and have more respect!!!!!

Answer 8

Try ignoring them when they want something from you. It will teach them to listen when you say something. Speak so quietly that they have to switch the music off when you're speaking to hear you and do not repeat it. If you allow them to do what pleases them now in 5 years that will be a real problem. Do not expect children are so nice as they were in your times. Unfortunately they take a sample from friends.

Answer 9

Your asking them and not telling them. Assert your authority over them and when they do do what you say tell them how good they are and make a big fuss of them.
You don't have to raise your voice to be stern and make sure they know there will be consequences if they don't do what you say. Remove something from their room until they learn to do what you say or stop them from doing their favourite thing for a day.

Answer 10

Family counseling? It's just a long shot, but it sounds to me like they are rebelling for various reasons. And maybe someone professional might be able to offer a more appropriate solution. I wish I could help more, but really you've done so much so far that I would've recommended.