My b-i-l used the name we wanted for a baby boy, and they knew we hoped to use it, is that tasteless?

Question

Our entire relationship my husbands brother and his wife have had this on-going one sided competition with us. We got a dog, they get one, we get another dog, they get another dog, we have a baby, they have a baby, we had a second child and we hoped to use a certain name and couldn't because of the sex, then they have another baby (this time its a boy) and guess what name they used? The one we had wanted. I was heartbroken because we were not done having children. Am I wrong to feel like this? Personally, I think they live their lives walking a FINE line between jealousy and envy and this took the cake for me! I haven't spoken to them in almost 3 years and they seem to have no regret that the incident happened and SWEAR it wasn't intentional. I cannot believe that "family" would do this to you. Don't get me wrong, I am not implying that I own the name, but all the events leading up to it make it hard for me to take. I am just looking for some fresh opinions

Answer 1

My gosh, I SO know what you mean!! You are completely entitled to your opinion. I'm going to share something with you. I worked with a girl for a long time whom I just despised because she did the same thing. I'd buy a certain type of shirt, the next day, she had one, I'd buy knee high boots, the following week she'd have brand new knee high boots, I'd bought a Honda, she bought a Honda, this went on for 7 years. The last year we worked together, her husband left her for the third time and she befriended me. I was much wiser than her so I helped her (even though part of me despised her, I tried very hard to look beyond it). In that time, I realized how screwed up her whole life had been even though she excelled a lot at work and was a very dominant figure-at work. At home, however, she was a coward who had no identity of her own because her mother had been so controlling. I put all the pieces of the puzzle together and realized that in copying me in everything, she was jealous of the fact that I was grounded and centered and she wasn't. She essentially was copying to try and find her own identity but couldn't. I was finally able to pity her as opposed to hating her and having to waste time and money in a therapist's office talking about it!!

My point is that you are totally centered and grounded. It is more than evident in your question and the way you ask it. You have your (*&^ together. They are completely lame for doing what they're doing and yes, they are classless. Totally classless. That is pretty much as low as you can go.

And with it being your B-I-L, it's not like you can avoid them knowing because obviously your husband tells them. So I guess the only thing you can do is understand why (and that's why this comment is so long-sorry). And hopefully that will help you. Just know that people that do that are followers, not leaders. you are a leader, they are followers who know not where they're going. How sad.

Even though that girl excelled at work more than I did because I didn't have it in me to backstab, suck up to the point of no dignity and what have you, I realized that my personal life was going to reward me so much more than work and that was all she had was work. All your b-i-l has is a directionless life with a wife who has no identity of her own. Can you just imagine what that thought process is like? It's not much!!!! Imagine what it's like to live your life with absolutely NO passion? You on the other hand have tons of passion, I can see it in your question!!! You're full of passion. So rest in comfort knowing that he and she are passionless people walking around looking for how they should exist. Looking for a way to fit in.

Followers never really lead. They always follow.

Answer 2

I don't see the one-upman-ship you are perceiving from some of the dog & baby examples you have provided.

Many couples get dogs & babies. And it is probably totally independent from your occurance of getting dogs & a baby. I am befuddled as to how any of that could be upsetting or an afront to you in any way. It is what people do.

I think it is possible that the onesided competition is going on in your own head. But you were limited to 1000 words and I am sure there is more to the story.

Also, I think their taking the baby name sucks, but dont get too hung up on it. There are other cool names. It seems like you don't even have the baby to give the name to, is that right?

If so, you'll have to reconsider who's being petty. I hope that's not the reason you haven't spoken to them in three years.

Maybe you should reconsider that grudge you're holding and maybe your husband will be relieved to have some peace in the family.

Best of luck to you!

Answer 3

This is the reason we kept our names to ourselves. Too many people have a opinion on what you should name your child, or like in your case it was stolen. That pretty much bites that they took the name you love so dear. But there are others, and maybe even better ones. For some strange reason they thought it was ok to use the name you had already chosen which is rude. If they want to play games like that then they look like the fools, not you. Don't play their game anymore. If they try to "one-up" you then don't even show that you care and maybe they will start to live their own life and leave you alone. They must get a rise out of it and they enjoy seeing you react so just don't. Find another name even if it breaks your heart. Just don't tell anyone untill the baby has arrived. It will drive them nuts!

Answer 4

Well, hon, to be frank these people sound like assholes. Why would they be jealous, I wonder? Are you better off? Prettier (that's an opinion, I know)? More successful?

Then again, there does not have to be a reason. Some people are just a little dim. I don't mean to sound hateful but I think that is the case.

I know they are family, but believe me, at this point it's not much of an excuse. I'm not sure what to do about it, but if it looks like you've discussed it with them as much as is reasonable then you might just have to be tough and move on. I don't know, it depends on how close you are to them as family.

Answer 5

It is wrong of them!!! However, family is family! Is your husband upset that you no longer speak to his brother because of this? Or does he side with you? If he is upset and wanting to have a relationship with his family then to save your marriage I would say suck it up and bite the bullet in the name of love. He may be fine with you not talking to them now but do you think he will still feel that way years down the road? At some point in time you may have to forgive and forget even if they will never admit they were wrong. Just smile and think to yourself "Go ahead and TRY to live my life but the fact is...I'm happy enough to make it my own and not try and gain yours!"

Answer 6

Ok, I kinda know how you feel. I am 35 weeks pregnate and having a girl, well, me and my husband wanted to name our baby hannah. Well, about feb. my brother and his wife lost their baby and they were going to name their baby Jackson or Jacklynn. That is what everyone thought. Well, when she found out I was going to name my baby hannah she through a fit and made my brother text me and tell me if i used that name he was going to beat me up (real mature right). Well that really ticked me off. No one knew they were planning on using that name and I picked it out but just because it was causing so much conflict in my family I decided to let them have the name and I picked out something else. To be honest I would rather name my baby something else that no one else thought of. But even after I changed the name they still wont talk to me. But, to answer your question I am going to go on your brothers side. I know you wanted to name your baby that but they had the chance to first and don't think they do everything just because of you. I hope yall can work this out cuz family is real important and you should be there for you neice and/or nephew. My s-i-l wants nothing to do with either one of my children which really hurts my feelings but it is her loss.

Answer 7

That is pretty messed up. I have to deal with somebody like that every day of my life and I don't have great advice for you except try to realize they see that you have something that they don't so the reason they live with this jealousy and envy is because they're miserable about something with themselves. I've never understood how people can think like that. But anyway, yes that is pretty screwed up.

Answer 8

That is just rude. They need to get off themselves. Next time they do something like that, just laugh at them. Name your next kid the same, if you want. That'll piss them off, but it's your name damnit. Three years apart is enough for cousins to have the same name. Use it!

We have a huge family and nobody has overlapped names. It just ain't right. They respect whoever brought it up first. It's good that you don't spend much time with them. They sound toxic. How could it not be intentional if you had told them "we would like to name our next son this."?

Jerks.

Answer 9

What difference does it make? Name him what you want. George Forman named all his kids George. Names can be used more than once.

This sounds petty to me. There are more things in life to worry about. Some kids are in wheelchairs.

Answer 10

You ever think that maybe, just maybe they look up to and envy you. Move on, it's petty and it brings you down to their level. And in the end, family is all you have.