Should I give her more time?

Question

The wife has refused sex for over 6 months, and very little sex over a year. She says it's because of her hystorectomy and her parents passing away. The anti- depressants don't help either. I really don't want to lose her, but she is frustrating me. There is increasing tension between us over this.

I have been to counciling, and we both have gone together. Her medication is contributing to the problem. The Dr.s won't change anything. I have tried every thing except mess around, and I don't want that. I don't put sex first, but it is still important to me.

Answer 1

Oh...the anti-depressants can take every last single feeling of wanting intimacy away. It's horrible. I had post-partum depression after my second and was put on them. I was horrified when I realized I didn't have one iota of sexual feeling. I struggled with it. And it tore me apart! But my husband and I are great with communicating and so I would tell him that my heart wanted him so bad...but that my body wasn't responding. And it's different than other times when you maybe aren't 100% into it but know how much the other person wants you and so you give them the intimacy they need. It's just different. No offense, but it's almost a disgusting thing to you when you're in that state. Like "I might just die or wig out if they touch me".

Your wife has lost her "drive". If you had lost your arm in a car accident, would you want her to leave you because you couldn't play racquetball with her anymore? I know sex is much deeper and more important than racquetball, but it's the principle.

Perhaps you need to talk to her without seeming like you are saying "I just want sex and you're making me mad". Tell her that you love her and adore her and it hurts you that you aren't able to share that with her physically. And that you understand everything that's going on and you are worried for her too...that you want HER to feel that special love that comes from your intimacy. Perhaps a medication change is in order. Maybe some therapy. Don't be yet another enemy trying to "defeat" her...she has so many of those burdens already. But please don't abandon your marriage and throw away your vows because your wife has a problem. Oh My Gosh...just read that Hysterectomy is yet another thing on the list. Oh man...she hit the trifecta of crappiness when it comes to ruining a sex life. Hysterectomy, grief and anti-depressants.

Please give her more time. I understand this isn't easy for you and it's a burden that has been placed on your shoulders. BUt it wasn't done with malice...it's something that you should weather with your wife as a COUPLE.

Take care and even though it's not easy, think about how you'd want your sister/mother/daughter being treated in this same situation. Think about what you would tell the man in the situation. And then you'll know what is right.

Answer 2

A person recently told me that the way he and his wife approach problems is not by battling the other person its by teaming up and fighting the problem together. So with that said I think the depression and grief should be the priority you both are working to get through together (if you aren't already). I know you have tension and 6 months/a year is a heck of a long time. But honestly its a two fold thing if you are there for her and help her get through this selflessly-on the flip side it may be that much sooner for you two to be active sexually. So, to help yourself- help her. Maybe grief counseling, exercise, trying to just be close like when you were first dating and didn't have sex yet. Also talk to her about how much you want to help her and less about what she needs to do to help you. I know it sounds like a total female answer but we work that way- when you cater to our emotional needs and we are happy we are more likely to cater to your physical needs. I hope the best for you and your wife. Continue to try and don't give up- she needs you. God Bless.

Answer 3

It's not uncommon for desire to wane after a hysterectomy. Couple that with death of loved ones, and her libido likely needs some serious stimulation. She needs to talk to her doctor about this though. They can change the type of hormones she's on (or put her on some) that may help. If she can get off the antidepressants that would likely help too...sexual side effects are not uncommon in that type of drug. Don't give up on her yet, but make sure she's aware that it IS an issue and you'll support her in the search for a remedy, but you shouldn't be expected to just 'forget it' if she's not willing to try to change the situation.

Answer 4

Have you tried counseling. It seems to be in order here?
Not for your wife but yourself.
Living with a depressed person is very difficult. If you want to save you marriage, I see no other option.
It may not get better but they can give you direction.
It is time to think of yourself. Don't go looking elsewhere unless you leave your wife as that will complicate things.
I understand how you feel and I will pray for you.
Life isn't always a piece of cake, but we have to learn to cope.
Seek the professional help. I don't think anyone here can be of help, as you have a real problem.

Answer 5

Yes you should definitly give her more time and be patient while she heals and tries to get passed things. She sounds like she is in alot of emotional pain right now. I feel bad for her and for you and hope you both can get past this over time . Love her where she is at and masturbate if need be but dont push and pressure her. She also needs to talk to her doctor about this and i think you should be see a sex therapist as well.

Answer 6

I'd tell her you love her and care for her very much and that it pains you to see her hurting so. Tell her you want to get her the help she needs and you will stand right there by her side...and then do just that! You guys need a professional to help you get to the bottom of what's upsetting the wife. You need to know too, because you can't be there through sickness and health if you don't know what's up with her. Hopefully finding out what's causing this will end your frustrations. Good luck to you!

Answer 7

im sorry sweetie i hope she feels better, well put yourself in her shoes, i mean she's lost her parents, and she has a bad health proplem and all you can honestly think about is sex?? and its frustrating you geesh, you should be a little more concerned about her and how she feels not about yourself, and yes you should give her time, she's needs you to be there for her holding her close letting her know that everything is going to be ok between you two, i dont think she wants to loose you either, i lost both of my parents when i was 2yrs old, my mom died when i was born, and my dad was killed in a car crash, and ive been in and out of foster homes, becuz im not ready i cant accept the change that my parents arent coming back, so give her some sympathy beleive me i know how it feels to not have parents i live with this pain every day, you cant expect it to go away so quickly

Answer 8

Try marriage counseling. She is trapped in depression and can't see her way out. That is where you and the therapist come in. She will be force to recognize the selfishness she is wrapped in. Be a good hubby, and exhaust all other possibilities before you leave the marriage.
You will regret losing your wife over (hopefully) a temporary situation.

Answer 9

Sounds like she has a vitamin deficiency. I highly recommend getting her the following vitamin cocktail that a GYN doctor advised me to get:

B-100 vitamin complex
NATURAL Vitamin E - start with 400 units and work up to 800 units
Betacarotene
Magnesium - depending on age, for women in the mid forties and up, two tablets a day
Eat foods high in vitamin C, but we careful with Vitamin C supplements as they can cause kidney stones in some people.

Answer 10

seems weird but maybe you should seek counceling.she isnt over this and it is affecting your relationship, but she doesnt know it .get help and let the councelor know what is going on with her meds and sex life. she doesnt know you marriage is in jerperdy , let her know thru counceling. but remeber you need to be there forf her and she needs to be there for you too. good luck.