How do I stop being verbally abusive in my relationship?

Question

I was just informed that I am a textbook verbal abuser to my fiance. Of course, since I am the one "mentally ill", I only see my faults becuase they are printed in a textbook. Otherwise, I still consider myself as the one being "in the right" on most our issues. I need to find a way to stop myself before I further damage our relationship. Has anyone else dealt with this problem and found a solution or should I just leave the woman for her own good?

I was just informed that I am a textbook verbal abuser to my fiancé. Of course, since I am the one "mentally ill", I only see my faults because they are printed in a textbook. Otherwise, I still consider myself as the one being "in the right" on most our issues. I need to find a way to stop myself before I further damage our relationship. Has anyone else dealt with this problem and found a solution or should I just leave the woman for her own good?

Note: (this was written after I got some of the answers (didn't think this would be useful, huh)) - When I said "leave her" , it really meant never date again and be a monk or something so I wouldn't have to hurt another person, when I said "mentally ill" I really hate being P.C. I know I have a problem. I want to fix it. My fiancé is a great person, she doesn't deserve this. I really did have a dad made this seem ok. Never violent, only verbally abusive, like me.

Anyway, thanks for the responses. They are helpful.

Answer 1

Therapy

Answer 2

You may feel that your right..and you may be..but you've got to learn control..and think about what your saying before it pops out. Verbal abuse hurts and scars more than any other. I'm sure your a good person..you just got figure out how to communicate a little better with your fiance. If your not agreeing with each other sit and talk..before you attack each other verbally. Also what may be getting under your skin is that you will let little stuff eat at you and not say anything till you blow..I don't know you but..me and my honey used to have communication problems like this..and instead of arguing we are honest and talk to each other before an argument has the chance to arise. It may also be insecurity causing you to hurt the one you love..Sometimes when you abuse people in anyway..it's about having control when you don't feel that you have any...In that case maybe the two of you should talk to someone and figure out where all of this stems from.

Answer 3

I can see that you love your fiance' very much. And I am sure she sees it too. I also grew up in a verbally abusive home. My mother is always calling me names, so I looked up to my dad to teach me right. It is her fault I am emotionally abusive to my fiance' too, but I cannot blame only her. I knew better growing up. I knew that the way my mother treated me was wrong, and I work hard to not repeat her mistakes. You know that your dad was wrong, so you can too work hard to not repeat his mistakes. I do not think you should leave your soon to be wife. What good is it to always be right, if it brings such anger into the relationship? You both should learn to let the other win, maybe even laugh it off. Some days love comes easily, other days you have to work for it. If she is truly a great girl, she will recognize how hard you are trying to change. The rest will fall into place. She will be more understanding when you slip up, because she knows you are trying for her. Remember, she loves you too. You sound like a wonderful man, and you will make a good husband for her.

Answer 4

Leaving your fiance is not going to solve your problem because eventually you will be involve with someone else and you will do it to them too. Maybe you grew up in a verbally abusive inviroment, and for you this is normal because this is what you learned. No one can make you change except yourself. If you really want to change and become a better person for yourself and save your relationship, I suggest that you get some kind of counseling where they will help you see how this destructive behavior is only hurting you and those you love. Just don't do it for her, do it for yourself because you deserve to be a better person for you. Good luck!

Answer 5

The first step in resolving an issue is recognizing that you have one. There are many self-help books available that you can read to help you. Talk with your fiance' and have her help you to recognize the "words" you are actually saying. Keep a log for your reference. Think before you speak - create some kind of mantra for yourself before you open your mouth such as - "I am aware of what I am about to say - and I will say something nice". Verbal abusers don't know always know what they are saying is offensive or abusive. Sometimes, we as females allow men to say things to us and they continue to get away with it, unchecked. I wish you well. It's a difficult road to change this pattern, but if you really want to change - you can change. Whether you stay with your fiance' or not, it is a good thing to monitor and control verbal conversation with others. Good luck to you.

Answer 6

umm at least its not the other way around. i am the verbally abusive one in the relationship. but thats what i grew up around. my mom was always verbally abusing me...it kinda ruined my teenage years. i missed out on high school cuz i was so caught up in depression cuz of my mom. Just try to picture yourself in her shoes, and stop tryin to be right all the time. If you let her think she is right, even tho she is not it will just make you a stronger person, cuz u aren’t arguing with her loved one over bein right. Remember that you guys are in love don’t sweat the small stuff ok.
Good Luck

Answer 7

When angry, count to 20...or maybe better 50, before answering your spouse. Go outside, take a few deep breaths...and say to yourself; stay calm be peaceful. Try to speak in a friendly smiling voice...you reach a person much better that way., and you'll like yourself more too. If it's really uncontrollable, there are places you can go to for help.

Answer 8

you show a good sign of understanding your traits.I reckon you take up some counselling ASAP with a psycharist and get yourself helped by them before its too late and you loose the precious one you love.
After you attend the counselling you will find a gr8 change in yourself as a new person, seeing this change wud make your precious come more close to you and fall in love with you for your sensibility!!!Relationships strong foundation is on trust,love,honesty , commitements and mutual understanding !!I am very sure you both will make it together,so don't waste time!!You stand a chance in all ,Go for it BOY!Prove it to her!I

Answer 9

You have to think as to why you treat her this way. You need top stop and thuink before you open your mouth.

If you leave her, you have not resolved the problem and the next relationship you start, you'll fall into the same traps.

Answer 10

You stop by STOPPING, another words ... just stop doing the behavior. You make a conscious decision to stop and do it! If you can not do that then you should not be dating anyone. Having a mental illness does not excuse or give you the right to misbehave. My next questions is why do you say you were "just informed" you have know that you are abusive all along and by saying that you have just been made aware of this, you are once again attempting to dodge taking responsibility for your own actions. I have been working in the mental health field for over 10 years and there are millions of people with mental illness that are kind and caring people. You are not abusive because of your mental illness, you are just abusive.