Would you take his name if another woman still has it (and doesn't want to give it up!)?

Question

My fiance and I have been together for 5 years, engaged for 5 months. He was married long before meeting me, the marriage lasted shorter than a year. He had a child with this woman who he now has full custody of. During the years everything has been fine with her, no "drama". However there is one thing that bothers me, she still has his last name, and does not want to give it up. Her reasons are that it's too complicated, she's had for a while now, etc. Although it may seem petty, I don't feel right honoring a name that a previous woman had and STILL has. It's not the fact that she had it that bothers me, it's the fact that she doesn't want to give it up. Is that wrong of me? Am I being petty? Is it JUST a name?

Answer 1

Well, from a child-of-divorced-parents stand point I wanted my mom to keep the same last name as me... it made me feel like she was still a direct parent of mine. It also made things a lot easier for me for school and everything having to do with paperwork. It really is a big hassle to change your last name back. I think if you can think of it as if she is just another person on the planet with the same last name as your husband and not as his ex-wife wh9o harbors his last name, it would be easier to let it go. It could be that she wants to hold on to the name for sentimental reasons, but it is most likely that she just wants to have the same last name as her child even though they do not live with her...its a connection thing. And she probably seriously does not want to cancel all her credit cards, drivers license, her mail, everything you can think of to her maiden name. Hope this helps! Be happy with your fiance and realize that the no drama is a blessing this is a very small thing in the big scheme of things and if you do choose to take his name the meaning is different because YOU and you alone will be his wife. Congratulations and best of luck!

Answer 2

Look at it this way lots of people have the same last name and they are not even related. Evidently it is over between them and it is not uncommon for a ex-wife to keep her ex husbands last name simply because it is easier and that is all. Look at Joy from the view she still uses her ex's last name and they have been devoriced 20 years, she said the reason she did was because she hated her own last name.
The point is you have the MAN and he must be a good man to not only want custody of his child but to "Get" custody of his child. The ex will always be a part of your lives because of the child so try hard to get over it, there will be many other pressing things to worry about in life. Get married and remember you have the name that counts The MRS. not the ex'mrs....GoodLuck!

Answer 3

Yes, you are being petty. It is a pain in the butt to change your name and she probably just doesn't want to deal with the hassle. Once you've been known by one name for a long time, trying to switch is next to impossible. You make that sacrifice when you get married. I wouldn't worry about her at all, thousands of people have the same last name (take a look at the Smith or Jones pages in the phone book) so I'd just pretend she doesn't exist, same last name or not!

Answer 4

The reason she has kept the name probably has more to do with the fact that its her child's last name as well - and yes, that does make things a lot easier at times. Its not wrong of you that it bothers you, but it might be considered a bit petty in my book - its just something you're gonna have to live with......it is JUST a name!

Answer 5

I really don't see why it matters. I have been married before and so has my fiance. I don't ever think about it. I love him and he loves me. Who cares if she still carries his name. Why not honor his name, he will be your husband.....Don't marry him if it bothers you that much, its not like he can change the past.
Yes you are being very petty, and selfish. Remember he is with you now, not her.
If the kid has his last name, its less confusing for mom to have the same name.
Sounds like you are very young, maybe you should mature a little bit before you marry.

Answer 6

As hard as it is to share a name that rightfully would be given to you, you have to think about the other people involved. Unfortunately with divorce traditionally it isn't a requirement to relinquish the name associated with the marriage. And also you have to think about the child they made together. The child most likely has the father's last name and for school and emergencies it is less complicated when the parents have the same name.
I remember when my cousin's mom married my uncle, she wanted to have the same last name as her mom. So my uncle adopted her (with consent from her father.) As uncomfortable as it is to deal with another woman having a name that you don't think is rightfully hers, she does have a right to it.
Take comfort that hopefully in time she will find the right guy for her and eventually get married and most likely take that man's name.

Answer 7

You know a lot of women these days keep their married last name even after divorce and separation. My mother in Law that is 41 now has her two married last names / with one another, hasn't been married to either one for 15 + years, I wouldn't worry about it, most women just don't want to go through all the hassle to change it. My mom who got divorced over 6 yrs. ago still goes by his last name. Not a big deal, are you gonna let someone ruin your chance at happiness?

Answer 8

I feel the same way if its such a honor why is it that she still has didn't she lose that honor? and to all those people who say that there moms or themselves still carry the ex's last name get no respect from me as a women because if he or she is your ex its for a reason why would you want to keep that constant reminder of your past. The hole purpose of getting married and taking on your husband last name is showing unity showing that the two of you are no longer individual but in fact one through marriage holding on to the last name is holding on to something that doesn't belong to you.

Why wouldn't you want to take back the name of your family where your roots came from what defines you

Answer 9

Oh my your upset over a name? G.F. how many other ppl in this world have the same last name as your fiance? Are you upset w/them? It's just a name, you could keep your last name aand add his to it. Then you wouldn't have the exact same last name, thomas-smith. Your fiance obviously loves you and wants to share his life w/you, don't let someone else who has his last name bother you. Be glad that in 5 yrs. she hasn't given you any drama. If she was going to drop his last name, she should of done it when they were in court for the divorce, now to change her name she'll have to go through the court again. I'm divorced and kept my ex-hubby's name only because it's unique, and I like it better than my married name!! GOODLUCK!!

Answer 10

So what? Stop being inmature and stop picking on something he has no control over. Drop it! You are with him now, aren't you?

Stop worrying about the past that you cannot change and put your energy into the future.

Ps/ Yes, it's petty and quite unreasonable.

Being jeaulous over somebody else's name...are you for real? I know that I won't get no points for my response but someone has to tell you the honest truth.