She says that she loves me, but is not "in love" with me anymore. She does not want counciling. I want the marriage to work, and love my wife more now than I ever have in our 16+ years together. Should I exercise tough love and tell her that I'm not her door mat, or keep the peace for the sake of our two children?
2006-06-22 04:51:51 · 18 answers · asked by Dan 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
as i tell all the women. if you want "her" then yes excercise tought love. it most cases its successful. if you don't want to work on the marriage then still keep the peace of the childrens sake. no matter what do things in an adult and civil matter. get counseling for yourself and maybe she will start to join you if she sees you taking that first step to help you. but definatly let her be. as hard as it is. just worrying about the kids and your well-being. if you smother her she will just want to rebel from you more.
2006-06-22 04:58:07 · answer #1 · answered by toni h 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If she's no longer in love w/you, then what is she?? It makes no sense! I've heard ppl talk about this over and over, and usually the one who fell out of love has another on the side. And staying together for the kids, I haven't seen that work yet either. Most of the time couples stay together for the sake of their children, and yet have another significant other on the side. The kids end up asking questions "why didn't dad come home last night?" then are lied to.Eventually when the kids grow up, they can be hateful towards the parent who had another. Because they don't understand the arrangement from the beginning, that you stayed together just for them. If you 2 can be friends, maybe it's better that way. 16 yrs is a long time and I can understand your feeling, but you need to look at the bigger picture here. Maybe give her some time, she might come around, but I'd let her see what she's loseing. And show tough love. It doesn't have to be done around the kids. Make her understand your not her doormat, and don't let her get away w/treating you like that!!!
2006-06-22 05:09:48 · answer #2 · answered by leslie 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No. No no no no no. No. You are a married man. You cannot just assume that no one would find out if you had an affair, because that's hard to hide. If your wife has childhood trauma, you need to accept that. There is so much more than just sex in a marriage. If you start an affair, you will be immediately destroying your marriage and if anything doesn't go according to plan, I promise it will tear your family apart. From the sounds of it, your wife does not deserve that. You made a commitment to her that you would be loyal. You promised to love her no matter what. No matter what your sexual needs are, you need to prioritize her and be more understanding of her situation. I bet you anything she does what she can to please you- in any way. As for getting her drunk to try as relax her, that is considered rape. Whether you are married or not, whether she says yes or no, if they are intoxicated their answer should always be understood as a no. This woman that you met, you need to find a way to erase her. If you go ahead with this, not only would you ruin your own marriage; you would allow someone else's marriage to come crashing down. Cheating will not save a marriage. It will end it even faster. Also, sex brings up a lot of emotions. If you don't feel them, this other woman you speak of will, and then you have a whole new problem to worry about.
2016-03-27 01:00:21 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
This business about not being "in love" is a cheap cop out, in my opinion. It's a trendy way of saying she's staying with you for the convenience. I was married 17 years and filed for divorce when my son was 15. I cared for my husband and we're still friends, but we didn't have a "marriage" anymore. There's a difference between living like room mates vs being married. It took 6 years to finally muster up the courage to recognize that we slowly grew apart, rather than together. There's nothing wrong with that. It happens. Thing is, everyone has the right to try to be happy and if it's not there in the marriage, then it's time to call it quits. My son did just fine. We both took excellent care of him and he suffered no damage. He's 20 now and at Uni.
2006-06-22 08:09:49 · answer #4 · answered by scubalady01 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have been with my wife for 14 years and I can tell you that if you opt to just keep the peace you will be miserable because you are in a loveless relationship. Yes I love my dog or I love my family or I love steak, there is a big difference between loving something or someone and being in love with that person. everyone needs to feel loved and if your wife can not or will not return your love then you have to look within yourself to see if it's worth it. Depending on how old the kids are they may need warning if you want to show her some tough love. But if they are old enough they should be able to handle whatever decision that you make who knows they may already be aware of what's going on and will understand. Only you can decide this and I hope it works out but no one deserves to be unhappy and unloved whether it is physical or emotional life is short and if your wife isn't with you all the way then you need to get someone who is willing to share the ride with you....... Good Luck
2006-06-22 05:14:19 · answer #5 · answered by Weapon X 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Unfortunately, there won't be any peace for the kids if you two are miserable. She's in denial about issues that you will have to use tough love on as you mentioned if you want to keep a workable relationship. Otherwise, your being unhappy about working on this yourself will end up in a divorce.
2006-06-22 05:10:09 · answer #6 · answered by msthinkpositive 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That is a tough one and i can tell you that i don't have any children adn i am not married but am going through the same thing as you. My GF of 7 years recently pulled the same BS. The im in love but not in love thing. That is selfish. You should be with someone who YOU truly care about. the kids will come around and understand. Either you fight for your love or bow out gracefully with your heart in tact. prolonging the break up (which is what i am doing) will lead to heartbreak. I can not get myself to stay away from my girl, but EVERYONE around me has told me to leave. I agree with them that walking away will in the end make me happier, but in the short term, i can not and will not see that. I am a fighter, but you can never change someone elses feelings. She may be in love with you again somewhere down the road.
2006-06-22 04:57:54 · answer #7 · answered by dave g 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is not all about your wife. You are in this marriage too. If she is not giving the marriage 100%, her all, then it's not going to work. Don't settle for that, it will only cause more problems down the road. You will never have complete peace when one spouse isn't willing to make the marriage work. Don't be a doormat, you have a say so in this too.
2006-06-22 04:58:32 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Personally, I'd do tough love, but it depends on how old your kids are. If your kids are like 15 and 14, and you can stick it out another 4 years, then do so. If your kids are 11 and 7, I'd rather play tough love. Make her see that she actually has to work for it.
2006-06-22 04:55:36 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
keep the peace - your children are more important than you. There is no fire after 16 years of togetherness, it is impossible to have, however if the initial fire was replaced by friendship - you are lucky. Hang in there, it will get better around 20 years (I am married for 27 years, I know).
2006-06-22 04:55:40 · answer #10 · answered by The CEO 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋