women only, need your take on this????????????????

Question

my wife and i were married for 11yrs. then got divorced. we stayed apart for 1yr. then got back together. the reason for the divorce was a hard core cycle of me feeling second to everything in her life and my trying to make her feel the same(we both needed to grow up).
now its as if its starting all over (the cycle). she is in school, and doesn't work. i work offshore and support us (even the year we were apart). this is the deal, for mothers day i got her a dinning room table she had been looking at, for fathers day i got nothing but a verbal happy fathers day. its always like this. all year i will give her flowers and cards for no reason but to tell her how great she is. last time i was in she needed a palm pilot and i went and got it for her. when i'm home i do all the house work, cooking, cleaning all so she can have a break and get in some extra studying for school. this is what makes me feel second in her life. please give me your take on this and be honest.
thanks.

Answer 1

I must first applaud you on knowing what real love is. A lot of people do not know how or even what it is to truely love someone. And it sounds like your wife is one of those persons.
The first question you need to ask yourself is was she always like this from the very begining. If so you have to accept part of the blame. Maybe you expected her to change. I don't know the details of the relationship so my advice may be kinda blindsighted.
I love the same way you love. I will do anything and everything that I can to show my man I love him - whether it's cooking him his favorite dinner, massaging him when he's stressed, giving him private dances, buying him gifts cause that's what a real woman/man should do.
But it is only done when the person deserves it. If you spend a lot of time away from your wife a number of things could have taken place with her mentally. 1. She could have met someone 2. She could conciously/subconciously resent you for not being around and her way of dealing with it is to be nonchalant (much like a child whose father is never around but shows up with gifts every so often) 3. She could be so used to you not being around that she doesn't care anymore.
So from there your next question is Why are you still there? Could it be because you've been together for so long? If that's the reason then you should know that people come into your life for minutes or moments or years and it could be unforgettable but it may be meant only for the time that it was. And prolonging the time isn't necessarily the best thing to do.
You may want to sit down and meditate to yourself and see what you can't see when you're on the go. Ask yourself how much you can take. If you can't take it anymore than get out and stay out before the relationship turns you bitter and hateful. By staying in the relationship and continuing to provide love and support you are sending her the message that her behavior is okay. Don't be an enabler!!! Don't be a no matter what lover. Then your partner will NEVER change cause they know you aint going nowhere. People change on their own terms when they feel they need to change. Maybe she hasn't changed cause either she doesn't care or doesn't feel she is wrong (How NAIVE!!!).
I could go on and on but just remember happiness is a state of mental being. 60 seconds of happiness is worth more than10 years of living in aggravated love.

Answer 2

If that is the reason you got divorced in the 1st place, why did you get back together with her? Did you think she had actually changed her ways? I am sure she did because you were no longer around to do everything for her. BUt now that you are back together, she has reverted to her old ways; and why? Because you are letting her run you. Stop doing everything for her, don't become a total @$$ with her but stop being so nice to her. Sit her down and tell her exactly how you feel and explain to her again that her way of treating you is the reason you all got divorced to began with. Let her know that you aren't going to put up with it and that she needs to change her ways with you. Continue to love her and do some things for her, but she also has to pull her wiehgt around as well. She managed to do it for the year that you were divorced why can't she continue to do it now that you are together again...? Good luck man; I am sure you love her alot, but there is only so much that a guy can take; hence the reason you got divorced the first time. Will that happen again? Is that what she wants? or is she willing to give in a little and actually try and make it work out for the both of you this time...?

Answer 3

I hate to break it to you, but you have a bad apple, so to speak.
You sound like a great man, unfortunately, great men and women are the first to be taken advantage of. There is a reason you got divorced in the first place....people do not change. Stop this behavior. She is obviously not the type of woman for you; perhaps you should hit her over the head with a leg of her new table, then she would love you. Stop giving so much and start taking care of yourself. She has no respect for you, whatsoever, MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE. It is too short to be trampled on by some unappreciative woman. You feel second? It sounds like you are not even on her list. It will be hard, but just get it over with!

Answer 4

Honest ok here goes.....I have been married for 13 years and from what you have stated here my take on it is that you and your wife are in this rutt because she is oblivious to your feelings. All you have to do to save your marriage and change this situation. Is every single time she makes you feel like you are second or even just underappreciated tell her. Sit her down and say you have made me feel .....whatever it may be. However do not tell her this with hostility. Be calm, cool and collected and even if you do not want to at the same time you tell her how badly she made you feel ask her if you have done anything to offend her or make her feel badly. Not that you have. See that is just it women are complicated. Just asking this question as you talk with her will open her up to tell you anything and I sure think that it will keep you from the divorce court again.

Answer 5

Well I can tell you this that I go to school and my husband pays for everything and that makes him happy because he feels that he is taking care of me and I know that it is hard to feel second to everything but I think that it is not really about feeling second to everything I think that you are feeling tht she doesn't appreciate you and everything that you do for her. If you love her and she loves you then you should express this feeling to her but understand that in every relationship there are ups and downs and also realize that sometimes in life people get busy and forget that a simple thanks can be the best presnt that you could give. I don't think that she is trying to make you feel like this on purpose but if you don't communicate with each other the problem will never be fixed either. I hope that this helps you.

Answer 6

first off if she is going to school, does she have money for extra things like a gift for you for fathers day? and second don't let the cycle repeat itself. bring it to her attention in a polite way, don't put her on the defense. just say you feel like things could possibly be repeating itself. sometimes whoever we are married to, we just get COMFORTABLE. and change or adjusting to be a different way with someone after 12 years is a hard thing to do. you are basically changing your entire self. not saying that change isn't needed, it always is so is compromise. it just sounds like she is probabley very busy and preoccupied. you obviously love each other deeply because you are giving it a second chance instead of giving up. so get counseling if its really that big of an issue and don't give up on each other. be patient and take her out on a night away from the books so you could have a heart to heart talk.

Answer 7

Well did she not have any money to get you anything for father's day? If she doesn't work, you have to take into consideration, that she has no money for gifts. Was she in school, before you two got back together? If she was, then you knew before the reconsiliation, that her schooling, would take up a lot of her time...if not, then that would of been something the two of you should of discussed, before hand, so you could tell her your concerns about it.
I hope, she's just not using you, and your money, until she's out of school, and can get a job of her own to move on with her life....

Answer 8

I don't really believe in divorse, but I think you need to talk to your woman about this....a real serious talk. Let her know how you feel, and tell her plainly that she needs to start helping out around the house. If she's not going to get you a dining table for fathers day it doesn't mean much, she just might not be one to spend a lot of money on things like that, but if she really cared, she should show it with something sentamental. However, she should show you she cares about you in small things of everyday life. She might bring your lunch to work one day, or grab your favoirite ice cream on the way home....

Answer 9

You know what, I know what you're talking about, I think she's so use to treating you like this that she probably doesn't know she's doing it. You sound like a great guy. I have to admitt I myself was doing the same thing to my guy. We are not married but we've been together for 8 yrs. I did the same thing to him, I swear I didn't know I was treating him so badly, Until he told me, I took for granted that he was working and paying bills, He cooked for me and did everything for me, I got use to being treated so good, I just assumed that it was suppose to be that way. He told me I made him feel bad and explained that he wasn't gonna take it anymore. I swear that I wasn't trying to take advantage of him or make him feel bad, I was just involved with life , our kids and just was plain blind to what was going on, Needless to say things are much different in our house, Talk to her and make her understand you, She might get upset at first, Thinking maybe she isn't doing anything, but if she truly loves you and wants to be in a good relationship, She will change. Good Luck to you.

Answer 10

Have you talked to her about this since you've been back together? It sounds like she's a "taker" and you're the "giver". Unfortunately, it's like a checking account... if she takes and takes and doesn't make a "deposit", then she is being selfish. Both of you have to make regular "deposits" so there will be an abundance when you need something from one another. You sound like a really sweet husband - I hope she opens her eyes soon, before its too late. Good luck!