How can I help my marriage?

Question

My husband and I have been married for 2 yrs but been together for 12 yrs. He has a problem with being open and honest with me and obviously I have a problem trusting him. I found out that he has a close "friendship" with a female co-worker and its upsetting me because everytime I try to talk to him about it he gets upset and says there is nothing there. Maybe it isnt sexual but emotionally there is and he dosent see it that way. Also I dont feel that we are best friends as husbands and wives should be. I dont feel that I can come and talk to him about what is bothering me, but he has gotten cards from females saying thank you so much for being there for me. I feel he is leaving me out emotionally, but everytime I try to talk to him it is always a negative response.

We never really got to become close emotionally because I became pregnant at sixteen when we were now starting out and it has never been time for just the two of us and he prefers to spend time with his friends.

Thank you all for responding, I really needed to get it out of my system because I wasnt getting that support from him.
Its true I dont know myself without him but I also am a person who does not need alot of friends around me I prefer to spend my time with my family I an very family oriented and have been committed to him from a young age.

I would definitely try to get counselling because I know there are issues from way in the past that never got resolved and keeps us from moving forward.

Thanks again.

Answer 1

I know people like to snap quick "go see a professional" replies here, but that is really what is in order here. It sounds like this has been going on for some time now. Get some help before it's too late.

Answer 2

This is really tricky. While I firmly agree with the idea of a husband or a wife having friends who are members of the opposite sex, there does create the potential for either one of them to stray. At the same time, there does need to be a lot of trust in any relationship, especially marriage! It takes a short time to damage the trust in a relationship, but a LONG time to build it. The best thing I can recommend for the two of you is to see a marriage counselor. You don't have ANYTHING going on now that can't be worked out with the help of a professional. But you both have to go into it admitting that your marriage needs some work, and have an open mind that a marriage counselor might be able to help! Do it now, before it's too late. Another suggestion I can make is to take a night a week, get a babysitter, and do something together. Strengthen your relationship. Get to know each other again. While you've both changed over time, you're two new people today!

Good luck! I hope it all works out for you.

Answer 3

You might want to talk to your husband and ask him if he'd be interested in seeing a marriage counselor. A counselor could be a neutral person who can help you communicate these things to each other, without it turning negative.

Here is a free website with advice for strengthening marriages:
http://www.marriageadvice.com/

One important part of marriage is trust. I know how easy it is to be jealous of these female friends. It's hard not to let your mind wander to dangerous places - but unless he's given you a real reason not to trust him you have to assume that he is faithful. What you're feeling is normal and okay - but don't dwell on it to the point that it drives you crazy. No matter who he talks to at work - you are the woman he comes home to every day. That does count for something.

It wouldn't be a bad idea to get a baby sitter some Saturday night and just go out on a date. Do something the two of you enjoy doing together and focus on everything positive. Doing this once in awhile helps restore intimacy.

Answer 4

It seems everyone else says talk to him. But it seems you've tried that. It isn't working right yet.

In order to fix your relationship you have to fix yourself. Trust is important and you have already admitted that you struggle with this. This is the first thing. A wise man once said you cannot attempt to remove the speck of sawdust from your friend's eye until you remove the piece of wood from your own. Lots of men have female friends. And not every couple is best friends. I love my husband to death but my best friend is a girl. His is a guy. We are friends but not best friends.

Second, most guys are not emotionally open. It is like prying open Jaws the Shark to get my husband to tell me how he feels. Most of the time I know anyway, but I wanted him to tell me. Now I accept he probably won't verbally and instead tells me other ways. His tone of voice, his mannerism, and a host of other things is his way of expressing his emotion.

You may be seeing this emotionally sensitive guy toward other women because you want to. You want that emotionally sensitive guy for you and don't have it. So you see it everytime he is remotely nice to another woman. Of course he may be more sensitive toward other women as well. He may be the kind that wants everyone to be happy. You are his wife so you stay happy. That isn't an egotistical thing. It is easier then admitting that something he has done has made you unhappy.

All in all I think that if you want to save your marriage you need to go to marriage counseling. Even if he agrees not to go you can go to individual marriage counseling and learn some new ways to handle what it going on.

Answer 5

If he is willing go to marriage counseling, you might want to suggest this. Find out why he is not open with you. There could be things in his past that he does not know that made him this way. A lot of the way we are is based on things that we learn as a child. If he didnt learn how to communicate as a child and/or he has parents that think nothing of being deceitful to each other then, he might think that is how a relationship work. Our behaviors are learned and they develop our characters, which is very difficult to change, especially if we dont see a need for it. He could also not know how to communicate with you, so he is going elsewhere. Finally trust is so important in a relationship and without it there isnt much of a relationship, so if you find that you are losing yourself and you are unhappy, you might consider getting divorce. I hope I was helpful.

Answer 6

The problem with the statement, "...been married for 2 years but been together for 12 years" is the problem that plague all live-in, co-habitating situations. Before the marriage, neither of you had to work at the relationship. Of course, you lived together but doesn't mean that you were building a solid relationship foundation. He got the benefits of being able to screw you "without obligation" and go and hang out with his friends because he was, in fact, SINGLE.

So after you finally got this guy to marry you, he doesn't feel has to work at being married. In his mind, nothing should change because you got what you wanted...to be married. And if you were to push him on this issue, it might end something like this: "I married you, didn't I?" He feels that hanging with his friend is HIS right and that you have no right to make demands of him which is WROONNNGG!!!

Include the fact that there is a child involved, then he has all the ingredients to want to mentally "check out" of the relationship.

Have you mentally "check out" of the relationship which would give him an excuse to want to do the same?
- Are you physically fit? Is it time for a Total Body Makeover?
- Do you still take excitable interest in the things that he likes - like you use to do?
- How's the sex? Bought any new lingerie lately? Have you sat down with him and a Victoria Secret catalog and ask him to pick which lingerie he wants you to buy?
- Ever sent him a bouquet of flowers to work -- just to blow his mind and repel "the female co-worker."
- Have you found someone to babysit while you go meet your hubby for lunch dressed in something so hot (not slutty) that would make his jaw drop?
- Have you learn the best times to talk to him? Have you learn his weaknesses? fears? strengths?
- Do you have a degree? Do you hold emotionally and intelligently-engaging conversation with him on a variety of topics?

"If you love something, then you will study it."


I think that a marriage retreat would be a wonderful thing for you and your husband. The best one that I know of is Marriage Encounter. The beautiful part of this type of retreat is that no one asks you to stand up and share the problems of your marriage. It allows you rekindle and discover new areas of the relationship.

If he is talking to his "close" girlfriend more than you, an intimacy problem exists. Something is missing from your young, fledgling marriage. Regardless of the fact that you have a child or not. You do have a right to be upset but you also have a responsibility to act responsibly.

If you really want to know where his head is, send him an e-mail or write him and ask him to answer the following questions:

"Why do you want to keep on living?"
"Why do you want to keep on living with me?

You should also take pen and paper and answer the same questions in a different way:

Why do I want to keep on living?
Why do I want to keep on living with him?

Once you two have answered those questions, you should exchange answers. Be prepared though, you may or may not like your spouse's answer. The purpose of answering those questions is not to be judgmental but as a way to spark further conversation and inquiry.

After 15 years of marriage and three kids, we continue to choose to be intimate. My wife and I attended the following Marriage Encounter program. We loved it!!!!

http://www.agme.org/

If you both love each other, your marriage is worth fighting for.

Answer 7

Single women have no bussiness having "emotional" or "platonic" relationships with your husband. Don't be naive and don't believe that crap that they are "just friends". Having an emotional relationship is just as painful as having a "physical" one and he will neglect your feelings and your marriage as he spends more time "being there" for his friends.

You are right, husband and wife should be best friends and a single female be-friending your husband spells TROUBLE.

You seem like a sweet, mature and smart lady, be wise and take action now. By no means start a scene at his work place as it will only make matters worse.

Tell him that you would like to meet his "friends" too and be involved in his social circle. If everything is as harmless as he claims to be, he won't have no problem doing so, if not, you will know that there is something else there that you need to keep a close watch on.

Be catious and be SMART! Good luck

Answer 8

It sounds like neither of you got a chance to 'enjoy your youth' or whatever they call it. (I don't necessarily believe it anyway.)

First, you need to decide if you are commited to repairing your relationship. Then you need to make an appointment to see a marriage counselor. Go even if he doesn't want to come. You can still vent your angers and learn how to communicate better. Once he sees the changes, he'll get curious.

It's normal for any man or woman to want to hang out with their friends, but I would suggest putting aside one day a week or every other week for the two of you to have a 'date.' Whether you actually go anywhere doesn't matter. It's that you spend time together. You can make it fun to get him to go along or just stay at home and have dinner together. It doesn't matter as long as it's quality time.

As far as his female friend goes, he might not even be aware of what he's doing. He probably feels confused and lonely like you and is taking solace where he can find it. When you talk to him about it, don't accuse him of anything, just tell him how you feel and how it effects you. Once he goes to the counselor, this will probably work itself out.

Good luck.

Answer 9

Honey I know how you feel!! I was pregnant and married at 17. He only had time for his friends. They were always at our house and the two of us rarely had any alone time. I hate to tell the outcome of this relationship but will anyhow. We grew further apart and he began having an affair with a coworker after we had been married 3 years. He got her pregnant and didn't want to work things out with me. He said he felt sorry for what he had done and felt he needed to be there for her (she was younger than us still in high school). I wanted to try to work through it but he kept going to her, that was when I knew the marriage was over. I say try to get him to go with you to counseling before something does happen. If he is willing to work on the realtionship that is a start. Good luck, I hope you both will seek counseling together for your family's sake.

Answer 10

What if what he is saying is the truth?

Find ways to have bonding. Set a date with him and your baby example swimming at the beach and there make him feel he's very important and tell him how important he is to you and his baby. Try to caress him once in a while, maybe often so you'll have that simple bonding. Try to open to him your problems not concerning him but problems you think that he can help. Don't forget to say thank you to the things he is doing for you. Importantly give your trust to him, it will never kill you. But if time comes he has broken your trust then it's up to him. It's hard to live in a marriage that is full of doubts, leave everything to God. ok God bless!

Answer 11

Sounds like your problem is lack of communication. You need to explain this to your man and yall need to learn to sit down and discuss your feelings, problems, needs, etc. Tell him you need a shoulder to cry on just like the girls at work sometimes. Like, why can you be there for them but not for me? Without good communication you will end up being two strangers living together without love or respect and that is a more lonely life than being alone.
If this don't work find a someone to confide in like your husband has apparently done.