Problem with my ex husband. What should I do?

Question

Every time my ex has the kids for his weekends, it's hard to get them back without the kids being upset. He always wants to keep the kids extra, never wants to bring the kids back at the expected time. If I let him have the extra time, say for another night, he just does this the next day, or he turns off his phone. I used to give him every single weekend, from Fri to Sun night, but he still would get the kids all upset trying to get them extra. It got to the point where it was affecting the kids relationship with me, the more time they spent with him, the harder it was to get them back. Now I've limited him to just every other weekend, and I'm very strict about it. The kids resent me for it, but enough was enough. It was too hard to get them back without a fight and seen in front of the kids. Am I doing the right thing?

Answer 1

yes you are doing the right. as crazy as people are these days you are very smart. don't let him harm you or your kids. tell him to back the hell off. look at it this way if you didn't do it then they would probably end up hurt or out of town somewhere. you were just following your motherly instincts. good job. good luck.

Answer 2

Happy C, I think you missed the boat on this one.
I think that you are doing the right thing. Kids need to know what is going on, and a strict schedule is the best way to do that. Of course they might not see it that way at first. But eventually, I think it will be easier for them. Your ex was making it hard for them by changing the schedule. Your poor kids never knew if they were going to spend 3 nights with dad or 4 or 5. They would get their hopes up and then when you would say no, naturally you would be seen as the bad guy. Maybe if your kids want to see their dad more, give him a night during the week to take them out to dinner or something. I don't know how old your kids are, but if they are old enough to understand, try to explain to them why you are doing this. Tell them you are doing it for them and so that they know what to expect, like how much time they will have with their dad, and when they are coming home. Also tell your ex that what he was doing was only hurting and confusing the kids.

Answer 3

There is a valuable lesson to be learned here and your setting the right example, by allowing the kids to not stick to the agreed upon schedule and the father avoiding his responsibility to stick to a court established schedule is sending a message to the kids that its ok to twist the rules when your having a good time and that can have devastating repercussions concerning how your kids are learning to deal with guidelines and scheduling. The only compromise would be to sit the entire family down and agree that if child custody rules are going to be stretched then there will be exceptions to them...such as if extended for 8 hrs..that means 8 not 9...and extra day means an extra day not day and a half...and the penalty for not sticking to the rules is back to the normal schedule....everyone needs to be aware of whats really going on and why when things go wrong that there will always be consequences...good luck.

Answer 4

Being the custodial parent in no way makes you "the boss". Those are the ex's kids too. You're complaining that your children's father WANTS to spend time with them!!! Get off your high horse lady. I'm sorry, but you have GOT to give a little. Kids need their dad, and they have a dad who WANTS to be with them. Instead of cutting his time as punishment... you should be changing the order to give him a little MORE time. It's summer... what's wrong with him having the kids for a whole WEEK??? You keep the kids a week and then HE gets them for a week. What if someone took your kids from you and told YOU that you could only see them on the weekends... then got pissed at you and cut you to every other weekend!!!?? How fair is that??

Answer 5

If you don't have a formal custody agreement, then now is the time to get one. Speak to a mediator or lawyer about setting something in writing.

You know the old saying "If you give an inch, they take a mile"? It's completely understandable that your ex-husband wants to spend as much time with his children, he may resent the fact that you have them most of the time, however, without something contractually agreed upon between the two of you, he will keep taking and doing as he sees fit.
Perhaps before going to a lawyer, you and your ex can sit down and discuss the situation at hand.(Pursuing legal action usually makes people stop and think).
Your kids are caught in the middle of a power struggle between you and your ex-husband, which is not fair to anyone.

Good Luck to you.

Answer 6

Stick to what is stated on the Divorce Agreemment. Anything out of what it's stipulated under visiation rights is extra and you are taking a risk by doing this. If he is not complying with the verbal agreement in between the both you then you have no need in granting him extra visitation time.
Also, in the case that he refuses to return the kids on the extra time granted, then you have no legal grounds to call a law enformence agency to get your kids back, since is outside the Parenting Plan legalized in court.
Unless he is willing to respect your wishes and bring the kids on time, then don't give him no mor extras until he learns to bring the kids on the agreed upon time frame.
Good luck

Answer 7

Do you have a court-ordered custody agreement? If so, then you have legal obligation to stick to it (that can be your excuse anyway). If not, maybe you should consider getting one just to avoid future things like this happening. I would talk to your husband and explain that when he acts like this in front of the kids they get upset because you're both upset, etc. He may not realize what he's doing. Also explain to him why you do not want to give him the extra time and how disrespectful it is to not bring the kids back on time or to turn off his phone when you're trying to pick the kids up. He sounds pretty childish so a judge may be the only one to get him in line!

Answer 8

Do you have a court order? Is he hurting the kids while they are there? If not being hurt, and having fun why do they have to come home? Because your mad at ex?

When they come back are they just upset for having to leave daddy or is he saying things to them? If he is saying things, then you need to tell him, you are not hurting me, you are hurting the kids. This is hard enough for them, try to make it easier on them by only being positive. Then take a strong stance to what times they have to be home, if not tell him you'll call police (if you have a court order).

Advice for both of you: Put your kids 1st. What is it that they would want and try to accomplish that if possible (if it's safe, depending on court orders, etc). This may have started with you and your ex, but to have healthy strong minded children allow them the freedom to choose more or less time to stay with dad. Eventually he may see them less and less and you will look good in the kids eyes for allowing them this and not ranting or raving. He may only be doing this to piss you off and it's working. Let it go, stay even tempered.

Answer 9

Be thankful that they're father wants to have a relationship w/them. Not many absent parents would do the same. What does your divorce papers say about visitation? DO you have full custody? If so then stick to your guns. Explain to the kids that you want to spend time with them too. Maybe take them somewhere exciting, arcade, beach, amusement park. Just let yourself be a kid from time to time. I'm a single parent of a 15 yr old, and his father hasn't seen him in 7months. I don't always have a lot of $ to do stuff. But we hang out, watch movies, play games (usually on game cube). And I wanted to do something my son had never done, we went pedal boating. We had a blast.It wasn't that expensive. We bought a cheap cooler at dollar store, bread and bologna, chips, and pop:$20.00, then to rent the boat $10.00for the first hr, and $5.00 for every hour after that. But the time we spent together with no one else around:PRICELESS!!!!!Kids grow up so fast and they change in so many ways, let them enjoy time w/their father. But also with you. And the next time he turns his phone off, I would personally pick up the kids from his house. Maybe allow him to keep the kids an extra day, like on an extended holiday (labor day, memorial day). Remeber mom, you need time to yourself too. Best of luck to you.

Answer 10

Yes, as much as your kids resent you for it, yes you are doing the right thing. The first thing you need to do is arrange with the courts to have this put on paper if it is not already. If your custody agreement states one thing and you are doing another, it could come back on you. If there is no formal custody agreement or no court sanctioned visitation schedule, you need to get one now. To protect you and to ensure you get to keep your kids.

I would actually be afraid that he would run off with the kids one of these days. You might actually tell him that if he wants to see the kids more often, it will be monitored either by you or someone else. He would have to go someplace public with them and would have to be watched at all times.

Answer 11

Structure is extremely important in childrens lives. Whether it's friday night to Sunday night every week, or every other week, it need to be consistent. As a special treat, maybe on holiday weekends - allow them to spend the extra night. Your ex needs to understand that rules are rules, and not to argue about it with you, or even create the empty hopes with his own kids. At the same time, maybe you should discuss with your kids what the schedule is and will remain. Be firm with your decision, whatever it is. You're not being a bully, you were never meant to be their friend - You are their mom! Good luck!