what do I do?

Question

my parents know that I'm in relationship with a girl (my dad kinda accepted the fact, but my mom reacted totally oposite - please check my earlier questions for details). my mom, even tho sh'es TOTALLY against my relationship decided to have a talk with my gf. it ended horribly,because not only my mom asked my gf to tel me go (if she trule loves me, then she should do it, to save me from this kind of life which awaits us if we continue in this relationship) but also my gf.. she talked to mym mom in disrespectful way, she rised her voice while talking and what's even worst didn't think at all when accused my mom of destroying me if she won't let go of me!! god... when later (I wasn't present during the talk) my mom told me how did my gf act I wanbted to run away from there.. it was terrible..she screw up everything by acting that way! now my mom not only doesnt like her but also has terrible opinion about her

my gf in my mom's opinion is selfish,wants me ONLY for herself and the family isn't important for her at all, has no respect for older ppl and especially her as my mother, that I'm over her total control, because she's strong personality and I'm weak one. at the top of it all my mom told me that she's not going to let me waste my life with THIS kind of person..
I talked with my gf.. she didn't even realise that it sounded that bad and she regrets behaving that way - wanted to talk with my mom again, but she reafused, claiming that she's alredy got to know what kind of person my gf is and she has nohing to talk with her about. so she send mym mom letter explaining her behaviour, saying sorry and stuff... I still don't know what my mom's reaction was and STILL don't know what should I do... Goood... it's eating me alive:( dunno what to do!!!!

sorry explanation is that long but it's just that.. the situation is so damn complicated!! and I'm sooooo confused..
thanks for your time spent on this..

Answer 1

You make a decision. One that may have consequences you don't want to face. I've answered (at least) one of your previous questions and I truly sympathise with your situation.

So this choice you have to make what is it?

You can choose to obey your mother and leave your girlfriend in the hope that, miraculously, you'll become totally straight and meet the right guy; your mother prays for.

Of course, in doing so you'll vindicate your mother's view of your girlfriend, you'll give her back her control over you and her hope that the right guy (of her choosing, no doubt) will keep you from the MAJOR hurt you're going to suffer; from breaking up with the girl you love.

Alternatively, you could try (one last time) to explain to your mother that, much as you love and respect her, she cannot tell you how to live your life. You'll take her thoughts and advice, on board, BUT she must accept that you're all grown up and that you have to make your own mistakes; to learn from them. Tell her that you are saddened by how much she is hurting BUT that, for all her disappointment (and disgust?), you are happiest when you are with your girlfriend and that, if she (your mother) truly loves you and wants you to be happy, she'll release you from living the life she wants for you. At best, she'll understand and give way. The worst that can happen is that she'll refuse to accept you as her daughter any longer.

I think I recall your saying somewhere that you are in your early 20's? I've described the choices, as I see them, now you make that decision.

Best wishes

Answer 2

Hey baby, been there, okay. I had a great friend and they were in the same situation. My friend chose her girlfriend and the parents went into a mourning of sorts. Same here, the father realized that it was her choice to make, the mother felt that someone was robbing her of her cherished daughter.

The girlfriend reacted badly the same as you describe and tried to make amends, but the mother was already insulted and there was no turning back - the girlfriend was like the anti-christ.

Way later, my friend became very sick and the girlfriend approached her parents. Immediately, the mother blamed her girlfriend, stating that if she had never brought her into that lifestyle that it never would have happened. The girlfriend stated to the mother that her [mother] ostracising her own daughter is what made the daughter depressed beyond reason and they could not sustain happiness due to family events they were barred from attending together and when daughter attended alone, mother took those opportunities to be acidic about the girlfriend she loved.

Eventually, friend contracted AIDS from her choice of high, heroin. The girlfriend tried to get help for her, but it is something you have to do for yourself. All she could do is help nurse her when the disease took hold. Unfortunately, the mother still could not get passed the "true" reason they were at this crossroads, her not being able to accept the girlfriend and her daughter not being able to accept being ostracised.

The mother did come around, once her daughter was nearly eaten alive by the disease and who was by her side the entire time? Her girlfriend.

My suggestion is not to dig yourself in so deep that the same thing happens to you. Give the matter a lot of thought. Ask yourself:

1) Is this girlfriend going to be with me forever, a life partner?

2) Can you understand some of what your mother is going through? If not, put yourself in her shoes and think of what she would want as a resolution to this issue. Is that possible?

3) Can you cool your relationship with your girlfriend until your mother has come to terms with your choices? Let her get used to your lifestyle first, recognizing that you are still her daughter, always. Then, when you find a partner or if you keep the current one, let them know how to respond to your mother's denial.

The best of luck to you all.

Answer 3

I am very proud of your mom.

She has her foundation and stands firmly on it. She is solid, like a rock.
She is not easily persuaded by some 20 something lesbian she does not even know.
Your mom is, loyal - Courageous - strong - honorable.
You are, disloyal - a coward - weak - shameful.
You won't even give your mom credit for meeting with your girlfriend.
Your mom does not let her love for her daughter cloud her thinking.
Your mother basis her decisions on the wisdom she has acquired over the years.
Wisdom that you have only yet to acquire.

I don't blame your mom for saying you will be gone to her. Think about it. You have been a part of your family for 22 years. Then suddenly a lesbian comes into your life and that girlfriend , whom you've known for how long?, you allow to become a wedge between you and your family. You are allowing it and the girlfriend is willing to be a wedge. Your girlfriend has to be selfish in order to believe she is better than your family.
Your family has been guiding you for 22 years. Now you WANT to be guided by a lesbian, that you've known for how long?, and strangers on Yahoo! You are childish.
Your mom is right. She already knows what your girlfriend is about. Your girlfriend showed her true self the first time and your mom knows it. Your mom saw her for the selfish immature lesbian that she is. Your mom knows the letter is an after thought. She knows you to talked and are trying to make the girlfriend look better now. You disrespect your mom when you treat her like she is stupid. If your girlfriend was mature and knew how to talk to older people respectfully she would have done it the first time. AND YOUR MOM KNOWS IT!

You make your mom out to be the enemy.
When the reality is you have become an enemy to your own family.
You are a selfish, childish girl residing in a 21 year old woman's body.
I have no respect for someone who betrays their family for someone they have not known very long. How hurtful that must be to your mom.
Stop blaming others for what you willingly brought on yourself.

I wish I knew your mom and could give her a big hug. She probably could use one.
I hope your mom has a good friend that she can sit down with and have a good cry.

Answer 4

Wow!So complicated!I feel sorry for you.You know what?I think you should keep on this relationship but try to somehow(if it's possible)to convince your mom that you're trully happy woth that girl.
Maybe she(your gf) did act in not very polite way,but you said,that she didn't even realised it.Maybe that's her way of being?that she says suff don't knowin' how they sound?I think that the last thing that she wolud like is to have a fight with your mom...I mean,who wants to have an enemy in your partners parent(s)??
You know what?A good idea would be for ALL of you tosit down and talk(you,your mom,your gf).If your mom refuses to talk with your gf,try to arrange somehow this meeting,I mean..eg.invite your mom for a dinner somewhere and your gf also in the same place.And then sit down anf just talk over.Let your gf explain her baehavior,if she star saying things in some rude way(without her noticing it)give her some kind of sign or something.Try to work it out TOGETHER with your gf&your mom.Of course it's only possible if you think that you can work with your mom or your gf,I mean they want to find a solution or smth...or maybe even ask your dad to come?You said he took it pretty well...

I also read the unclefrunks' answer.It's probably true that your mom is trying to protect you from making mistakes or from being hurt from the society('cause I don't think your gf wants to hurt you) anyway,it's....well..it's kind of unhealthy for your well being to be so protected.You have to make mistakes and learn from them,you can't always be protected.I mean you have to get used to making your own,decisions,own choices without listening to your mom...
But I don't agree with him in one thing:that your mom will refuse to accept you as her daughter...well..I don't think so..I mean I think she won't...you're her daughter after all!!
Besides...heven't you made your decision yet?I mean you said your mother that you want to contiune your relationship...isn't that a decision??

Anyway.. it's a though one nad I hope everything will go well in the end and you will be truly satisfied!!Good luck-you'll be needing it :):)

Answer 5

Am glad I get to talk. This would be the first time I'd read thru a posters (sorry person's) past messages, but you know what I had to and it was good for me. You know, this world is not about you, It's about me. This question am answering may not solve your problem, it will make me feel good that I answered...but this time not for the points.
Rightly said, your mom Looooove's you...probably more than your friend, as a matter of fact, your friends love cannot be compared with your mom's. Life is so insane, even as straights, we make up and break up. I have a friend who fought with his family, mom n brother n all jus to keep his gurl, she was disrespectful...but those times where good, I mean financially, he was a young entrepreneur. It was though obvious that the gurl wasn't even about the money, so what was she about then? She wasnt about about anyfin, she was just being a girl (sorry about the long story, but still I dont care about you, am satisfying myself, your mom does, deeply), then somwhere along the line he looses her coz she either lost her emotions or feeling for him or met someone else, you know how we (boys or girls) fall in love or out of love daily or even weekly. But still at that time, things were good. Your family's the one that's always there, no seasons of emotions, never falling in and out of love for you or with you coz they've always loved you from the day you where a sperm, no sorry fertillized egg (see, I mean even before foetus stage). They always got your back. Your girl loves you, but she's just like me or any other guy who'll love you if you change your mind and break up with this loveable gurl you're presently with.
Gurl just leave her break it up, your mom...her reactions, you know it's about the motive behind her statements, not the statements themselves, even though they are orchestrated to make you feel bad.
Any time is a good time to get out of it.

Answer 6

NO your mother will say that-that is how your girlfriend is but thats not what i got from reading this, she sounds like she knows how to stand up for herself and what she wants,that is a good strong person you want in your life!! your mother is a control freak who wants you to live that life she has planned out!! your mother already didnt like your girl and will used what happend against her, if you care about your girl then this will not matter yes it will be hard to balance!! you need to do a pro's and cons lists and really think about this one you can i-m me whenever or email me for advise or to just vent

Answer 7

yeah unclefrank is right. Just make your decision and hopefully your mother will come around.

Answer 8

same story for one of my friends; lets see