Hey, does anyone ever feel this way?

Question

Ok, so I have GREAT friends and family, but I'm also usually the one everyone comes to their problems with. Some will often go on and on telling me what's bugging them. I don't mind, and I really like to help out, but I can't STAND it when someone talks horribly about someone else I respect. For instance, my mom is ALWAYS rattling on my grandparents or my dad and I love them very much, so I want to stop her from going on and on about something that I can't fix. She tells me EVERYTHING that drives her insane, and sometimes it drives me insane. If I tell her that I'd rather not talk about it, she'll yell at me. If I try to reason and be a peacemaker again she gets mad at me. If I stay quiet she thinks I don't care. Sometimes I don't know what to say, but I don't feel I can just sit there, I don't know what she wants from me. Also my friends are sometimes gossiping and saying bad stuff behind other's peoples backs, and I try to reason with them but I just get the cold shoulder, ahh!?

Yeah, my mom already does have a therapist/psychiatrist but only sees her every other week

Answer 1

seems a bit funny. Well you have actually done everything rational to do. Just continue to be frank about not wanting to hear gossips anymore. They'll eventually stop once you continue to discourage them.

Answer 2

Can I take a guess here? You are a real nice YOUNG person.

(I mean I don't care if you pick my answer as the best or not, I answer, I don't ever care...points are NOT why I am here.) My mother and my grandmother (my father's mother) hated each other. From the first time I ever remember spending any time with either of them they spoiled it by tearing each other apart, and pumping me for information about each other, so they could turn whatever I said into something negative. Their hatred was so pervasive, I never actually had a relationship with either one of them, (with my mother if it was not my grandmother it was someone or something else), she was crazy!

Yes, one day I had heard enough, not only from them, but from some of my backbiting friends too. The nature of some people is so sour, they feel like they have to be eviscerating someone else or they are not happy or can't feel good about themselves?

You have to pick your battles, but if they are driving you "insane" with their ravings, then you are going to have to speak up. If you like someone then I think you should defend them! Can you imagine what these same people probably say behind YOUR back? I know I would hope that my friends would not listen to people I thought were my friends sit and trash me. You, my dear need to learn to speak up for what you believe. If you are young, first you have to decide what it is that you believe. If the person has a valid complaint, maybe EVERYONE involved needs to sit down and try to iron things out. Do not try to take on the problems of the world, (and I think you have the right idea now, you KNOW that this world and personal relationships (even familial relationships) can be troubled at times. Maybe you should suggest that some of these folks should have counseling because if they go on and on like that, it could just be too much of a problem for someone who is not experienced with helping people to "let go" of their anger. Suggest that when they are angry, that they go for a walk, and try to notice all of the sounds and sights along the walk, tell them to shift their focus temporarily until they can cool off, and maybe get a new perspective! I have to tell you it really sounds like these people are unloading on your because you are a sympathetic ear. When you have an opinion, they can easily dismiss it. It sounds like it's going to be that way until you can give voice to your own feelings, and have your mother and your friends hear you and understand you!

Good luck, maybe you should think of going into Social Work, if you have good people skills now, you may be able to really be a good counselor, you have to learn to have your own opinions and to stick to your guns! Don't just let someone run down someone that you know is not a bad person! Every discussion can and should have some rules. Don't let people walk on you, your opinions or what you know is true and right!

Answer 3

Wow, are you in a pickle!! But here is some good advice. Calmly explain to your mom when she is not ragging on your gps that you feel like a kid in the middle of a divorce and prefer not to hear her negative comments about people you love.
As for your friends, you can use the same tactic. Just calmly and sweetly tell them that you don't want people gossiping and tearing others down around you because you are trying to be a non judgemental person and want the negativity out of your space...Word it your own way. If they don't get the hint, calmly walk away when they start and read a book or do something else. They will get the hint and you won't be in the middle any more. Your mom will be the hardest because it seems you can't win. But you do not have to listen to her run down your family.

Answer 4

Well, PrincessZelda, you're obviously a caring, nurturing person and they all feel better when they unload on you, but it takes its toll, doesn't it?

Are you comfortable saying to your mother (respectfully, of course) - "you've turned out great, mom, so your parents must have done a lot of things right". For your father, "Well, he had the good taste to marry you, didn't he, so he has done a few things right." I know it would be exhausting to counter everything everybody complains about, and I'm not suggesting that. I'm just saying, if you've heard the complaint for the umpteenth time, you might consider saying to her, "You know, mom, why don't you talk to grandpa about that?" or "I think dad would be a better person to answer that", and then excuse yourself and say you have to call so-and-so, or you have homework to do, or a letter to write, etc. Even if you want to go to your room and listen to music, you can respectfully excuse yourself and pretty soon your mom will make the connection between her complaining and rattling on, and your absence. It obviously bothers her that her relationship with her parents or your dad isn't as good as it should be, but your young shoulders shouldn't be carrying it all around with you. Okay? OKAY! You sound terrific; no wonder everyone wants to be around you. Keep up the great work. They'll come around to your way of thinking, but it's going to take awhile; they didn't get that way overnight.

Answer 5

Well princess, I have two questions:

Are you my twin?
and
Don't you ever just want to disappear?

Hun, listen closely.
You just described the last 21 yrs. of my life, I know better than most exactly what your going through.

I'm willing to bet that while there's days it gets on your nerves, more often than not you enjoy helping people. I wouldn't suggest you tell people you don't want to help anymore, if you do you'll soon develop what I call the "Christmas Carol" syndrome(Where you feel like you can see everyone and no one can see you).

You'll enjoy the freedom for a while, but eventually you will miss being the one everyone confides in. Do what I do:
Listen to everyone, Say nothing unless they ask, and never give a negative or derogatory opinion without a disclaimer.

Trust me princess, you obviously have a naturally helpful and nurturing personality, don't let it go.
All you really need to stay sane is your own confidant...Find someone to confide your problems and fears in who won't be judgmental, and is willing to listen.

Perhaps most importantly, make time for yourself!!!
You can't be superwoman, leave somethings to others.

At the very least set aside one weekend a month to just you, no phone, no communications of any kind. Focus on yourself, and making yourself happy...If you don't you'll find yourself needing problems to solve...

I hope this helps, I'm always available just e-mail me....

Answer 6

These people will suck the life out of you if you let them. And that's not an exaggeration. I have a mother who is a complainer. She complains that she has nothing to complain about. She complains because other people say she complains too much. She thrives on the misery of others. My father got prostrate cancer (they've been divorced for 20+ years), and she laughed saying he got it from fooling around on her when they were married. You get the idea. I've been listening to that for my entire life.

I have an ulcer. I bite my nails until my fingers bleed. I nervously pick at my scalp like I have critters living up there or something. I'm obsessive compulsive in the worst possible way.

Don't let yourself become this person. It will eventually get to you, believe me. If someone complains, ask them how they're going to solve the problem. Don't just let them rant. If people are gossiping, then tell them what you think about that.

This will effect your health, and it isn't worth it. But that's just my two cents...

Answer 7

You sound like you are such a good person! Try not to ever lose that quality about yourself. Now for your mother: Let your mom know that she is being unfair to you by making you listen to her talk about grown up things that you can not do anything about. Let her know how stressful and hurtful it is to feel like you have to choose between the people that you love. Being to cry and let your feeling out! This way your mom will have to step back and see someone else's feeling besides her own. And this will make you feel better to let go of some of the stress. If you have to ask you dad or grandparents to step in and talk to her. Don't worry about her getting mad you've already experienced that anyway so go ahead and talk to her. It is not your fault! And you are doing the right thing! And as for you friends continue to be strong and let them know you will not stand for them doing things around you that you don't agree with. And then walk away from them (each time they begin to talk about people). Believe me in the end they will respect you and want to be just like you. Good Luck to you!

Answer 8

I am always the one everyone comes to in my family and friends also. I have learned to just tune it out some and kinda nod my head. No one gets mad at me anymore and since I quit paying so much attention I don't worry so much. I don't think there is anything you can say to make it stop. Although sometimes if you just say that hurts you to hear them talk bad about someone you care about it can stop it for a month or so. At least this has been my experience.

Answer 9

Yeah, I know how you feel! (Your screen name is awesome, too, by the way!) I'm the problem solver in my family, and it kind of wears me down. My mom and step dad vent to me about problems they're having with my sister, and my step dad will trash talk her. I love my sister so much, she's my best friend. I know she has some problems, but everyone has flaws, and I hate how he puts her down. But I get along with him pretty well, and I don't want to upset my mom, so I never say anything. But inside I'm furious!

I guess we're just good people because we try to help our friends and family out. So maybe we can feel better because of that. You sound like a really nice person, try not to stress to much about your family! =D

Answer 10

Ya, people seem to unload on you . I know I was being a mediator
many times for married and unmarried friends I'm not married at 48. You need to look at what I just said there unloading . Try not letting it affect you , just listen that's the way you can still take it.
I can tell the type a girl you are a good one.

Answer 11

That samething use to happen to me. Like you I got tired of people going on and on, yes I know that Im their friend but sometimes they complain about the most ridiculous things so I told them that if they want to be going on and on like that they need to start paying me and set and an appointment it they want me to be their psychologist so badly.

The thing with your mother is something you might not escape. Your mother always come to you because she probably have you as her version as a diary. She can tell you everything shes going through all though what shes talking about you dont like. Sometimes you just have to deal with it.