tell me if u like my poem and dont be mean !?!?

Question

i see his brown eyes trough his curly brown hair
im watching him like a bear
he has no hardware
in his ears
thats not the most of my fears
the thing i fear the most is the tears
i'll cry just for him
the tears will drip
awhile my arm drips
from pain
my white shirt will have a bloodstain
all from him
my life will be over
from the bloodstain
on my shirt
to the cut on my arm

i dont cut cuz a guy.. its cuz im OK at writing poems like that

i'll tell u another one
bind my wrists and blind my eyes
sorry mr. do-it-right but i can't go out tonight,
i'm way too busy ruining my life, killing my braincells and cutting myself with a knife.
but if you'd just wait
i might come to my senses in the end and we
can get married and pretend
there's no darkness in the world.
just think i could be mrs.do-it-right!

Answer 1

Welllll...I belong to a poetry workshop online, and if I reviewed your poem, I might say something like this: Your poem is filled with obvious pain and honest emotion, however I feel in some places your creativity is compromised by the rhymes...by which I mean you are stretching to achieve rhyme in places, using things that otherwise might not fit the best, like "hardware in his ears" and watching him like a "bear". The repetition of bloodstain and drip are a bit much. The image of red blood on your white shirt is good-you should play that up a bit maybe. Poetry is hard work-keep writing and good luck! And please don't cut yourself over a guy, or anything else, btw. I hope that part is just poetic license. :)

Answer 2

I didn't care for it. The structure limps and changes cadences. It does evoke an emotional response but the emotion seems to switch in mid verse. Just an honest opinion. Keep trying.

Answer 3

ok well it was a bit scattered and confuzing. so your cutting because of a guy? i didnt get a lot of feeling from it. but it was still good

Answer 4

Thats good!