Should I stay or should I move on?

Question

I met a guy online 4 years ago and I moved 1200 miles to be with him. I am 39, he's 36 and when we met, he was living with his parent's and had no job. When I moved, he said he would find work and help out. Over the course of the 4 years, he has worked 2 months, but he has also been sidelined with some medical issues. I have tried to be loving and supportive, and eventually we split and he moved back home with his folks, and I work and still live in the same area. We have started dating again, but he still hasn't made much of an attempt to find work. It's a sore subject with him when I bring it up. I do love him as we do have a history together. My family feels he's lazy and verbally abusive, and feel I deserve better.His parent's don't encourage him to find work, and he is not on disablity, so his family is suporting him. He wants to be the man of the house, but it's hard to sometimes overlook the fact he doesn't contribute. I do love him, but should I stay or move on?

I feel I have honestly tried to meet him half way. My family is 1200 miles away, and I don't really socialize much since I do try to spend most of my free time with him. He's a good person, and has a good heart, it's just frustrating. I know he has low self esteem, and I want him to take pride in himself. I want to help him, but at the same time I guess maybe I feel I am enabling him. He's diabetic and has high blood pressure, and when we fight I worry about making him sick, so for the most part I bite my tounge and avoid any confrontration on the issue. I want to to be loved, cherished and taken care of also, and my parent's raised me with the belief that a man works to support the family. I wish things were different. I want him to be the man I know he can be, and it's disheartening. Much to think about, thanks everyone for your input.

Answer 1

I was the same but different situation. I was like your man but I really wanted a way out. I didnt stay with parents because I wanted my own space. The reason I was where I was, because I blamed mostly everyone for my procrastination but also, I didn't know what my real Definite Chief Aim or what they call - Purpose, a dream.

And all my life, people would put me down, so when someone said something after, I would get defensive. Cause it hurt. I couldn't then find a job but as time went by, I made a Decision. I'll make it happen.

When I made that decision, I went to find books on self development and saw that it was my bad habits that got me to where I was. You know, sleeping late, watching TV, doing one thing after another such as design, etc, but I would never finish anything. Because I didn't know where I was going and no one really taught. I look now, I feel, its no ones fault but my own so I did which is hard any human being. I CHANGE.

I began reading so many books by Napolean Hill, Dale Carnegi. I began reading books about the Mind, and how to find that Desire in me to move, to be inspired, to be motivated. In the long run, years later, I found, I wanted to be an entrepreneur.

When this came to be head, and it became an obsession, things happened. I suddenly began bumping into successful people, because I was thinking success. I had so many negative thoughts in my mind but the books, associating with succcessful people helped to dilute the negativity, which now brings to you and the guy you mentioned.

My advise; get some books, give it to him. and tell him straight:

"If you don't change in a period of time. That's it. It's over. I want a man, the man that's in you. The real you! You're choice. Either you procrastinate, do nothing, complain the world hates you, and no one wants to give you a job or FIGHT for God sake!"

Then plonk the self development books on the table. Then move on. Give him time, 3 months. If he doesn;t change, then hey, bye. Then at least, you gave him tools and not just left him. He maybe ignorant of these tools, such books like I was.

He needs to wake up and change. It's not your job to baby sit him. If he wants to be man of the house then he needs to be one, walk and live, and act like one. Man of the house is not a word, its courage, its being accountable, it's facing to ones responsibility, it's working together to achieve each other's dreams, it's having dignity, integrity. Men today, not all, but many are lazy! People from where I come from are suffering, are crying out for the Land of Free, to be able to have opportunity to look for opportunities without being shot or seeing missiles fly over their heads.

Yet, in USA and UK, people, some sit and watch life go by as their loved one slave away, picking up the pieces. You mate, deserve so much more. He does too. It's in him but the question is;

Will he see it's time to change and fight to be with you. It's time to see this happening but this time, if he doesn't change, no more. He needs to realise that you're serious!

The more you stay with him, the more he will burden you and burden himself and his parents, and for kids in future, to see a man not willing to get up and fight for his future and be part of the family is giving the wrong message to the kids and to you.

I know, it took a lot of time, pain maybe for you to reflect on this and it may take some more time, maybe pain and tears for you to do what I suggest. It is only a suggestion but I am seeing it as though it was me. Life shook me up and I changed but, my wife sees me as a hero because the hell I was fighting against was something many would have crumbled but because I got a strong woman, a hero in my eyes, I found away.

I hope you do. You got a lot to give and a lot to live for. I hope he wakes up to see what an awesome woman he got standing beside him.

Get him the books I mentioned. I put links or you can pm. I got a library full which I just give to people, hoping they'd wake up and stop hurting the one that loves them and impact people's lives.

Answer 2

I personally cannot put up with a man who doesn't work. He is not a man if he doesn't work. It would help to know what his "medical issues" happen to be, and if they are that bad he would qualify for some type of disability.
I say move on. Find someone who works and is a full partner in life. If you don't have a common goal, you are pretty much never going to see eye to eye. I hate to see a man who is lazy. Would he by any chance be a mama's boy?

Answer 3

I feel that you have already met him more than half way. You moved to him to be with him, you love him, you have accepted him and him being jobless, however there comes a time and place in which you have to quit giving into his wants. He should be willing to meet you 1/2 way also by showing you that he is responsible and is willing to work and contribute monetarily to the life that you and he choose. I feel its time to do what you want to do and if putting up with him and his lack of responsibility to help you then do it and accept your choice. If you are unhappy with him now, don't expect him to change. You can lead a horse to water but you cant make him drink. Good luck!

Answer 4

though love is sometimes the best thing for someone. Granted you do love him but if he doesnt show respect for you and try to support you then what is the point of being there? Medical Condition asside. He isnt on disability even wal mart hires the handicapped.. mc donalds ..wendys ..something. Min. wadge would help out more than nothing. If you constently help those who don't want to help themselves concider yourself welfare.

Answer 5

If you really love him you want to stay.
Again it is your choice do you want to live with the same B S carry on if not go on.
Well life is not full of Butterflies, you might find something good you might get worst.
Take a decision and stick to it weather it is good or bad.

Answer 6

if he is not on disability you should kick him to the curb because he is able to work but he dose not want to and its stupid so many people who can't work do want to work and he is to lazy to work his parents should make him work to so he can see that he is a grown man and he needs to act like it you sound like to good of a person to let him take you for gandetted like that and you should really give him up or tell him to get a job or else you are gone because your looking for a real man not a little boy.

Answer 7

Follow your heart and what you really want to do because this is a personal decision that no one else should be allowed to make for you. You're the one who's going to have to live with the results whatever you decide so make it your decision.

Answer 8

I would say move on, If he really loved you he would have made great efforts to make things work out. In fact I think if you continue relationship with him he will than depend on you for survival.

Answer 9

Move on .Why would you wanna stay with someone who"s not helpin you and not workin.Please!How can you love someone that don't won't nothin in life.There are plenty fishes in the sea.He is not the only man god made.Fine someone who goin to contribute and help you .

Answer 10

stay and move at the same time is the best idea, That's difficult, but it's your choice.