(for the secend time)What do u think about my poem?what do u think about the name?(Upon the Faded)?

Question

The veils of time grow thinner
with the passing years,
mending old wounds
and giving way to new ones.

I find that I now greet you with the embrace
of an old friend accustomed to your visits.
You bring with you all the memories
I didn't think to keep in my youth,
therefore binding me to you.

Your kindness reveals itself
in moments when the whole world
seems to have stopped in my pain,
and the only comfort I can find
is in your promise that all that is made shall fade.

And yet your cruelty unmasks itself as ruthlessly,
echoing every present moment of laughter with the innocent
laughter of my youth,
reminding me that nothing I have is for me to keep,
anything worth having is better off freed.

I have made and lost friends, homes and lovers
with only you at my side as a constant.
Yet I grow ever more aware of your shadow
slowly weighing itself upon me
as if you are afraid I would ever know
what it is like to be without you.

With each breath I learn to live with you,
that perforce,
I might more willingly embrace death,
and courageously wear these hidden scars bearing
the memories of mortal wounds.

Inasmuch as your existence has robbed me of time's treasures,
I gladly allow your presence to wash over me
keeping me mindful of the ease
with which this world of illusions can consume me
and drown me in the abyss of self breeding
nothing but endless desire and heartbreak.

Sweet sweet Impermanence,
the world is lightened by your presence.

How else could the earth withstand
the weight of the myriad of broken hearts
buried within her womb?

Answer 1

Your poem is awesome.And the title is befitting.
Good luck

Answer 2

Very, very good! I enjoyed your poem a lot. I especially liked your writing style that makes the reader visualize everything in the poem, and your similes that compared what you are talking about to another thing.

My only suggestion is rhythm. If this is a free verse/freeform/prose poem, you need not worry about this. However, if it is not, let me tell you that rhythm is necessary in a poem unless it is prose. Keep a pattern of syllables in each stanza of the poem. For example, in the first stanza of your poem, you have: 7 syllables in the first line, 5 syllables in the second, 3 syllables in the third line, and 7 again in the fourth. That makes the syllables 7,5,3,7 in the first stanza. This is not really a pattern. If you had, for instance, 7,7,5,5, or maybe 7,3,7,3, the poem would have better rhythm and therefore the words of the poem would flow fluently along, much like a song does. The pattern may varry with different stanzas.

Also, although the title of your poem sounds mysterious (which is good), I would rename the poem because only once to do you mention the "upon the faded." Something relative to your dear friend would do. . Besides that, the poem is excellent! Good job!

Answer 3

I enjoyed it.
I love the last stanza. I think some it could be cut to make the whole poem stronger, though.
The second stanza is much better than the first. The first stanza, the fifth , the sixth and seventh could all be made into a different poem. Because I like the thoughts behind them but they drag down the middle of this poem.
Overall I was quite impressed with your work. It is better than many other peoms I have read online.
Best of luck with your writing.

Answer 4

Damn, it's good, I almost didn't read it because the opening line is questionable. The only other problem that I could find is: abyss of self breeding: I don't think that can be got unless you have an explanation that I haven't thought of yet.

Answer 5

It's really good and I like the imagery but it's a bit wordy to be honest. I would end it after the 5th verse.

Answer 6

Well I am not much on poetry - - so to be fair I didn't like it - but also to be fair I didn't read it all that way through - ZI tired it just wouldn't capture my attention. HOWEVER, again I am not much on poetry and I think you should continue to write, you obviously have talent.

Answer 7

its not my kinda poem there is no constant stanza length no rythem or refrane line I don't just lacks what i define as a peom seems more like a well worded story

Answer 8

Your poem definitely paints a picture in my mind, but it doesn't flow very nicely together. Sorry to be hard on you, but I was born to be a critic.

Answer 9

the title is missing something but the poem is great.

Answer 10

thats really good. are you sure of the word womb though, as it gives the idea of safety? other than that it is really good. maybe a different name, as i don't really understand it.