I am white american, I married my wife two years ago and now we have a baby. She is chinese american. Here family drives me crazy. While they are all nice people they are constantly dropping off their kids at our house without notice. They raise their kids a particular way and I don't raise my kids this way and they are very judgmental towards me for this. They get mad when I don't celebrate their holiday's and don't want to partake in their customs. I'm sorry but I didn't marry her so that I can become Chinese. I married her because she is a wonderful person. They have a family thing 3 times a week and don't want to go. They put guilt trips on my wife and she feels obliged to always do stuff for them. IT is too much ans she is alwasy exausted. We have been fighting becuase of this as well. Any advice. It's really bad and I want to escape!!!
2006-06-21 07:41:41 · 8 answers · asked by romnitali 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
You chose to marry in a culture that is very strict, deal with it my friend. Support her in every way.
2006-06-21 07:45:37 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I can see your frustration. I have a wife from a race and culture different than my own. Growing up I interacted with the extended family mainly on holidays and the sad funeral type occasions.
My wife's family good for tea and a dose of guilt meets for every ones; b-day,graduation, promotion, pet celebration, whatever and all according to strict protocol. Anyway , establishing boundaries we both agreed upon became the only sanity. A united front diffused the guilt and over time earned everyones' respect. Talking it to death helped with each other. And then walking our decisions out with the rest of them was critical. ( Yes is Yes. No is No.)
While we do marry more than the one we love, it's often difficult to join more than bloodlines. The tragedy would be if a mutual environment of cultural enrichment couldn't be established in more than one direction. Please, let's keep the baby and throw out the bath water.
2006-06-21 08:00:42 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
well, i'm asian so here the thing, we are very family oriented. that means a community is the one that raises our children. to keep close contact and be into each other's lives. i know it is overwhelming bec. americans tend to be live and let live. but it is also the reason why some american kids are very anti-social.
as for dealing with them, you have to let your wife talk to her family. it is still her family no matter what. be reasonable too, going once during sunday won't kill you. humor them and just think of it as a learning experience in culture. being adamant and not joining will only make things worse and the only person that is really affected is your wife. they may think that you think they are sub-class that's why you don't want to interact with them. i am not saying to just do whatever they want. do what is comfortable and say no if you really can't at least show them your trying to be nice. maybe you have no common ground that's why they get upset when all they have been trying to do is reach out and get you to feel like your one of the family. you'll be the quiry american uncle that is cool and funny. as for your wife she has to learn to say no or else the problem will never be adressed. she hold the key, they say you can't be doormat if your not one. don't fight with her, try to have a conversation. sit her down have a nice dinner and after that then say something like, " i know things have been difficult with me and your family, is there any way i can help diffuse the problem?", or " can i be really honest , i know you have been pressured by your family to do things for them and thats fine but you also have a family now and i need for you to take care of yourself and us first", reassure her that you love her. and since you also have already a built in sitter with her family, let them take care of them for a few days like a weekend and go out have a mini vacation. it' s time you cashed in your favor chips. you never know after doing that, visits maybe lesser than it is now.
2006-06-21 08:06:31 · answer #3 · answered by havegadgetfear 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It helps to move to a "safe distance".
We live 2 hrs away from my parents, and it works out the best. It's too far for both of us to visit each other too often, but it's not too far to go once or twice a month. My parents put all kinds of pressures on my family as well (mostly religious), but I think the distance really helps. I wouldn't want to live too far, because I want my kids to know their grandparents, but I don't think I could handle the pressures if we lived in the same city. They would constantly bug us why we don't go to their church, why we don't do this and that with the kids. Some things they might be right about, but I think they would get farther if they didn't pressure us.
2006-06-21 07:50:04 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
My husband's family has Sunday dinner EVERY Sunday, and we live right next door to them, but GUESS WHAT? We DON'T go! At first, they called us "unsociable", but, I finally told two of the family members that we FEEL out of place there, whether we are or not does not matter because we FEEL that we are out of place there. Why should we go where we are uncomfortable? What counts is OUR feelings, not their's. You are the man of your house, so act like it. Tell them that YOU run your house differently, and that you don't mean to hurt them, but you want them to respect YOUR way of doing things in your own home, and one of those ways is to be ASKED before they even come over, if you will babysit. Also, your wife needs to quit being a crybaby and tell her family that it is too hard on her to meet with them three times a week. Either STAND UP for yourselves, or do what they want and be miserable. You can't have it both ways, so what will it be? My in-laws didn't like it at first, but they got over it. They know we will come to the get-togethers on special occasions like Christmas or Mother's Day, Father's Day, and maybe ONE other time a year. And guess what? WE ARE HAPPY.
2006-06-21 07:52:21 · answer #5 · answered by lcamel2000 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am sure you have spoken to your wife about this several times but you have to understand that this or some of this is what you bargained for when you married her. Make a pact with her that you will attend some of the events out of love and support for her and hopefully she'll do the same for you on the days when you are not feeling it, and convey to her family that it's not ok to just drop off kids unnoticed. You guys just have to meet each other halfway on this one. Good luck!
2006-06-21 07:49:12 · answer #6 · answered by Lady Mandeville 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe ur wife should come right out and tell them the truth, u also have a life, they should listen to her, if they are so wonderful then maybe they'll think about ur ways too
2006-06-21 07:47:34 · answer #7 · answered by chris-69@sbcglobal.net 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
start charging baby sitting fee its your house then they will get the message
2006-06-21 07:47:45 · answer #8 · answered by ? 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋