My husband became friends with a female coworker and he bagan spending all his free time with her. Eventually he became less attracted to me and spent less and less time at home. I had left him for a few days and he begged me to come home and i did. He told me he didn't cheat but in my heart i know he did. He stopped seeing her but i'm still concerned with their relationship. It's only been three weeks since that and now things are no better. He want us to split up, but I don't. I'm so confused with this decision. Why did he ask me to return if he didn't really want me ther? I divorce enevetable?
2006-06-21 06:05:43 · 39 answers · asked by A S 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Divorce is not inevitable if you don't want it to be. I would sit your husband down and have a talk with him. Tell him that you will NOT put up with him spending his time with a female. That is what you are there for. If he isn't getting something from you, then he needs to tell you what is lacking from you and vise versa. If he wants to split up then, go with your gut. He is probably having an affair with her. Maybe not a physical one, but one just the same. I have a feeling that something like that is going on with my husband, but I can't prove it and when I tell him how I feel, things seem to change. For a while. To tell you the truth and I'm talking from experience, I don't know which is worse. A relationship where they meet and do what they are going to do or have a relationship that is emotional.
One thing that I would be asking myself in your place, is why would he want me to come home? Did he do it because he couldn't handle me leaving him and he wants to be the one leaving? Or did/does he still love me and is miserable in the marriage? I don't think anyone can tell you what YOU should do. That has to be up to you. Different people will react and respond differently. I hope you make the right decision for you and your husband.
2006-06-21 06:18:27 · answer #1 · answered by brittme 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I only know how to answer this questions from a Christian perspective, so if you aren't a Christian and don't want to be, please disregard.
First of all, if he's slept with this other woman, you have Biblical grounds for divorce if you can't deal with it. However, this is not what you have to do. If you still want your marriage, then work to save it.
The only way I know to put spark back into a marriage is to set it up according to God's plan. Make him the head of household. Submit to him. Honor him. Make yourself as feminine as possible and as submissive as possible.
Romance is nothing more than the difference between the sexes played up. A battery has no charge without both a negative and positive end. Neither does a marriage have spark without both masculine and feminine.
Probably what your husband is attracted to in this other lady is her femininity. Women are very feminine when they're new to a relationship. Remember how vulnerable you felt when you first met, how he made you feel feminine? He felt masculine. That is what he is looking for.
You don't have to have a new relationship to have this spark. Go to the Yahoo groups that deal with submission. Read "Fascinating Womanhood" or better yet, "The Excellent Wife" or "Me, Obey Him?" "The Surrendered Wife" is also a good resource though I don't agree with some of it. You will have to decide what's good for you. I do know that God's plan for marriage works. It saved my marriage several years ago.
I wish you the best. May God bless you.
Leah
2006-06-21 06:26:05 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I've been there and I feel for you. You know, men like that really don't change. They are very "wishy washy" when it comes to how they feel. Sometimes they want you, and other times they don't. He may have been feeling guilty after he cheated and that is why he wanted you home. But now he knows that you want him and you want the relationship to work, and again, he doesn't. YOU need to be the strong one here because he is going to keep doing this to you over and over.
My ex-husband and I had the same problem. I knew he cheated, but I didn't want our relationship to end. I kept trying to keep him and kept trying to make it work. But all he ever did was say he didn't want to. Well, when I finally decided that I was tired of trying to make it work, and made the decision that I WAS DONE, there he was...trying to get ME back. See what I mean? They know you aren't going anywhere, so they treat you like crap, but be strong, YOU make the decision, don't let him be in control.
You don't need him to make you happy.
Believe me, there is someone out there that is perfect for you and if you are having trouble in your relationship, then this marriage and this man may not be part of your life's plan. Good Luck and I hope you make the right decision. =)
2006-06-21 06:23:08 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well the good part is, it has only been 2 years (its still not that long), the bad part is, the marriage seems like it should end. If he wants you to split up, then its a sign that he probably does have feelings for his co-worker. You need to split up because this relationship doesnt seem like its going to work out. Just remember to keep your head up. Everything that happens is meant to be. All breakups are hard to deal with, but its even harder to deal with a cheater. Sorry and good luck.
2006-06-21 06:38:09 · answer #4 · answered by blah 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you are both Christians, or at least spiritual, pray, pray, and pray some more. Talk to your pastor together. Obviously there were some things that happened to take the respect out of the marriage. In my opinion, that is what cheating is, a lack of respect. He didn't respect your feelings, your marriage, or you as a person. I'll be praying for you guys. Just remember, divorce should only be your last resort!
2006-06-21 06:16:12 · answer #5 · answered by candy0813 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I feel for you, Ive been there, only not with another woman. My husband has a drinking problem and has many times, told me he didnt love me and wants a divorce. I would leave and he would beg me back in which i came back. It may be different when theres another woman involved so I personally think divorce may be inevitable. especially if you know in your heart that he cheated. I would leave him and when he would ask you back, tell him no (as hard as it might be) if he truely loves you, he wont give up on you and change his ways of thinking and things might get better.. good luck to you
2006-06-21 06:14:22 · answer #6 · answered by heavensent41770 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He begged you to come home and now wants to split up? Why? What do you want?? Do you love him? I have been married 31 years. I think that marriage has its ebb and flow..Good and bad. Can you ever trust him again? It takes a while to get trust back. If you think the marriage is worth saving... try counseling. It works and even if the marriage is not salvaged. You will be a better person for it.
2006-06-21 06:13:55 · answer #7 · answered by hello 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well..I think you and hubby need to have a real good talk, try to recall the reasons you got married in the first place and find out what each of you need from the relationship now. Do everything you can to make sure you are trying everyday to put your marriage first. He will have to do the same. Suggest counseling. You will both have to openly communicate with each other. You can get through it if you both try. I would definitely say he needs to cut all personal ties with his coworker.
2006-06-21 06:11:51 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
First thing to do: sit together eye-to-eye and speak about what he likes about you, what not, how seductive he finds you, if you are attractive, if he'd like to see you with a different hair-cut or dress, etc.
Basically, try to know what he found attractive at the other woman, and see if you're worth more to him. If not, quit, because he probably won't be more honest and fair in future, and would always have secrets.
Before you've got any kid with him, you must make your decision. It might be better to give yourself at least a year to think or quit meanwhile...
Good luck!
2006-06-23 01:16:35 · answer #9 · answered by king76 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hun its gonna hurt but honestly, you deserve better than what your getting. i know you think" but this was the one...my dreams and hope were invested in him..."but he doesn't feel the same if he cant respect you as a wife and be faithful and truthful . sorry you've been treated poorly lied to and hurt good luck there's better out there just think the whole happy new butterfly feeling when your healed and start a new relationship guard your heart though and next time use mostly your head not your heart. good luck
2006-06-21 06:13:00 · answer #10 · answered by irunwithscissors25 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋