Can i really call this man my father (emotionally)?

Question

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Answer 1

First I want to say that your avatar does you no justice, you are a handsome young man!
Okay, back to the subject. Your father helped give you life, so that's just as simple as it sounds, he will always be your father, yes, even emotionally. The emotional feedback may not be acceptable, but it's what he gives you. I never had a father either. Well, I had one, but he didn't give a fucc about me. He lived around the corner from me growing up, and never even came to see me. I think you should just go on with your life and dont let him spoil things for, dont sweat it. It may be really hard, but the anger and resentment does nothing but waste time and create negative energy that life is to short to be bothered with.
Find happiness within yourself, and try to appreciate the things he has given to you.

Answer 2

The fact remains he has fathered you although I accept that from your perspective, he has not behaved in a respectful, caring, loving way, towards you, as 'some' fathers do.

You are still living the pain of this loss! You have gone through a lot of trauma in your life and you are holding on to this pain - this is understandable! However, holding on to something that you cannot change will only make you ill!

You are not a child now and you have the choice;
- you can spend years blaming your father and your life for not being fair to you - conclusion: lack of confidence, failier in career, no motivation, poor health, unforgiveness, bitterness, angre, hatred, etc.
- or accept the past (many have painful childhoods), leave the pain behind and move on - benefit: not living as a victim, good health, confidence, success, determination, positivity, joy, happiness, etc

Recommendation: leave the past behind and say to yourself "I will not let this get in the way of my happiness" and it your choice what you call your father.
....may your future be blessed!

Answer 3

Kishue, I shouldn't worry about it at all if I were you. Any relationship takes time and effort from both parties. It also requires some common basis from which to develop. you've been estranged from your father for some time and as you've grown up, you've grown further apart than you were before he left (and you never saw him then...).

Moreover it is a natural thing for fathers and sons to grow apart as the son comes into adulthood - it's an assertion of individual independence.

What later happens is that they grow to recognise similar qualities in one another (be they likes, dislikes...) Why do you think sports are so popular in pubs and bars in the UK?

Some things to consider, Have you forgiven him for his past? Could you possibly (and don't take offence here) be a little petulant or resistant to getting to really know him - not as your father - just as another man?

Answer 4

I cant read your blog since I am at work and it is blocked for mature content, so I don't know what issues are there but you need to give the relationship time. I never had any type of real relationship with my father we lived in the same house and never spoke to each other. But I have to tell you if you have a relationship where you can actually talk to him dont throw it away because of angry words.

Answer 5

I can understand you are angry and have a right to be. But not calling him your father is a way not to deal with the problem. After all: you live there and he is your biological father.
Are you paying him back by not recognising him as your father? I am sure he wants to be accepted as you want too. That is difficult since he does not accept you as the person you are. Remember: if you want to be understood, try to understand the other.
This may be a disappointing answer now. But I am sure that you do not solve anything by avoiding the problem. He is your father.

Answer 6

I think you are doing your Father a huge disservice and you will regret it later in life. He would appear from everything you have written to love you and support you as best he can. Please consider how much hurt it would cause him to know what you have posted. Most gay men have some degree of Dad angst when they are young. You would appear to have the foundations of a solid relationship with your Father and Step Mum, and you would be happier if you worked positively towards that.

Answer 7

Biologically, he's your dad,period. And your mother should be ashamed of herself for the lax ways she raised you, or didn't raised. Dad cares to ask you where you're going. Don't like the rules/ Tough. Move out and grow up. No one owes you anything. You've got a hard reality heading your way. Your being gay got nothing to do with this problem. It's your attitude, dear.

Answer 8

You expect too much from men, you've spent much time with women and gay men. Guys are outside the "I love you" field unless they are completely drunk, well mostly, I've trained my straight mates over many years. Playing your dad every now and then is his way of showing you he cares. F@#ked? Yes it is but appreciate it and use it to learn the diff ways in which people will show their quiet and illogical affections.

Answer 9

Wow Kane. Almost everything that you mention in your blog just screamed my life straight back at me.

My father was always the same when i was a kid. Always up early for work and arriving home around dinner time and spending the whole evening infront of the computer. I never really knew my father either, for crying out loud, at 13 i couldnt even tell you how to spell his name.

My parents also sperated which lead to their divorse when i was 13. i initially moved out with my mum but later moved in with dad (i kinda ended up finding out for myself that he was very manipulative, which is why my sis and i ended up moving back with him). pretty soon, my sister began to loose it, running all over the country, not telling anybody where she was or anything. she was only 10 and running away because she couldnt stand living under the same roof as him. She soon moved into my mum's house. i continued to live there up until the end of 2004. i couldnt handle it anymore, i was getting treated like dirt and was getting shunted off to the side when a new woman entered his life. He wasnt the nicest of people to get along with. Very pessimistic and would only give you the time of day if you were prepared to pay for it. He would never stop complaining about how crap life is but would never do anything about it either.

When i came out to him, he told me that he "always knew", even though he had tried to tell me throughout my life that i was always going to be straight.. denial or some crap... who knows. but he was never really there for me and always saw it as part of a phase. same too with my family, he mentioned it to a few people but it was all very hush hush... it really began to frustrate me to the point that i had a huge go at him about how crap life was living with him and how he had turned me into a guy filled with anger, hate and frustration.

i soon moved out, and im currently living with my mum and step dad while attending university. I hardly ever hear from him, when i do its usually a 5 min phone call to ask me to pass something onto my mum. the last time he invited me (big emphasis on him inviting me) up to his place, i spent the whole time at the neighbours because he wasnt interested in my design work when that was the whole purpose of me going up.

I still call him my father, just not in the same sense that i call my mum my mum. my father, in many ways, is just that. the biological father that doesnt really give much of a damn. I do not hate him, merely feel sorry for him. he lives his life in such a way that he tries to make people sorry for him and im totally over it.

I guess what im trying to say, he is merely my 'father' and not my 'dad'.

i hope that truely helps with what you were asking, i know that what i have said isnt exactly much considering there isnt much space here, but send me a PM if you want to know more, i was actually writing something up about the whole thing with the intent on posting it online.

I Wish you all the best dude,


Cheers,

Josh W.
Auckland, New Zealand

Answer 10

Well...no, you can't. I wouldn't. My parents are also 'sick' and I have similar reactions. But... what helped me lately were the books by John Eldredge - check them out!

Almost everyone is crazy in this sick world! My empathy for all such.