how can i get my mums friendship back together?

Question

When I was 8 years old I was raped bye a boy who was 2 years older then me I never told anyone until 19 years later when I got a job at a place where his mother (who is also my mums best friend) works she told me the job was there if I wanted it I took it but every time I saw her I could see the sons image in her and it brought back the memories off him raping me I ended up on anti-depressants & I ended up telling a worker who told my boss who got very upset with me and sent me home I told mum everything she went round to the mother off the person who raped me and told her the mother no longer is talking to us after 24 years off friendship. I have been suspended with pay until further notice.

Answer 1

Hello

You are in a very tricky position here. The first obstacle concerns the actual rape by someone little older than yourself at the time. In those days he would have been regarded as a juvenile for court purposes had you contended the case then. Today some 19 years on you obviously still have some grief to share, hence placing your issue here. I will say this I am not sure whether the internet is the place for you to share your grief. The quality of the answers very much a case of posing a question or issue for some kind of rough justice. From which you may draw the wrong kind of support.

The thing is you need some balance in your life which comes through family friends and loving relationships. However having this grief and anger about your personage will affect any personal one to one relationships you might desire to have,. this is not to mention your work situation and that of your mums contact with the mother of your abuser.

I think the right source of action for you would be to seek the help of a counsellor. I know this sounds drastic but just airing your thoughts and anger with someone who is trained to listen and not biased should help tremendously. There should be a self help directory available in your local library or maybe your GP surgery has some counselling services.

Your employment in this situation has been your tormentor and reminder, maybe after having some couselling you should sit and talk things over with your mum. Gain her support especially if you should decide to eventually have this all out in the open. This is not always a good idea.

I presume that you have had this job for less than two years and would not qualify for any redundancy rights, you are in a position therefore to resign if you want to in accordance to the way - in which you are paid. Ie, weekly paid a weeks notice, fortnightly paid a fortnight and so on.

Meanwhile try not to get emotionally involved in any arguments or debate with the mother of your abuser as after 24 years this could be as big a shock to her as the loss of the friendship has also been put assunder.

Good luck with any counselling you seek.

Answer 2

Your mum and this boys mother have to work this out between themselves.
Your mother has to deal with the fact that she wasn't able to protect you when you needed it and the boys mum has to deal with the fact that her son did what he did.
None of this is your fault and altho it is a shame that your mums friendship has come to this it is understandable. You should feel glad that your mum believed you and is on your side because many mothers don't and that would be worse.
The boss may be trying to sort this situation out so you and the woman can both work but maybe it would be best for you if you found another job, I know it isn't fair but life isn't and this may be the only way.
You should also consider counselling to help you deal with the memories this has released.
Let your mum and the other woman sort this out in their own way they both have to think and consider their options, you cannot help with this and it will be better if you don't try to

Answer 3

I'm so sorry this childhood experience has caused you so much pain as an adult. It must be tough, especially when people react by being upset with you and suspending you! Whats his problem! I hope the following helps...

Did the rape have anything directly to do with the mother? If yes, why would you want to repair the freindship. If no, then it had nothing to do with her so tell your mum that and that there is no reason not to remain freinds.

Also I don't think a ten year old is capable of true violent and damaging rape. Children often do very sexual acts without realizing that they are forbidden I'm sure most people when very young have done things and had things done to them when playing that to an adult would seen to be overlty sexual with a sexual intent and harmful. But to the kids involoved sex and sexual feelings have nothing to do with it, its just experimentation, trying to understand the bodie and more normal than poeple allow themselves to think as adults. I must admit actual penetration would be very unusual but I think if you look at it through the eyes of a child and not an adult a lot of the pain, guilt and shame you may feel (I don't know how you feel) may go away. The main thing to remember is tha you did nothing wrong and more than likely the intentions of your mums freinds son at the age of ten were entirley innocent. So perhaps that might make you feel better too,

The most important thing I think as far as my knowledge goes is to remember that you did nothing wrong. When I was very young I remember me and my brother used to bath together, once I got my brother to suck my penis. I don't know why there was no intetion or thought behind it at all, I was still learning about my body other peoples bodies and the world around me that was all. When I got older and I found out what a ******* was (see how repressed society is when the word ******* is blocked out, teenage lovers do it to each other all the time always have always will there is nothing wrong with it. It's no suprise that you kept all this bottled up inside you for 19 years when society is so repressed) and how girls do it to boys for pleasure this childhood memory came back to me. It did upset me too, I felt very gulity like I had done something very wrong, because if were to do it then to a boy who was my brothers age when he was in the bath with me it would be very very wrong. But I when I was actually in the bath and as young as I was and I'm four years older than my brother I was innocent. Kids do sexually experimant (if thats the right term when then isn't real intent) before society drums it into them that sexual acts are bad. It's a fact and It's all part of growing up.

Of course if the ten year old you speak of was forced encouraged in any way to do what he did to you, whoever did the forcing or encouraging must be found out and take full responsibility for what happened to you.

Perhaps you should get your mum and his mum to read this. Unless you think it would fry their brains in which case there probably isn't anything you can do...

Just read that again. I'm not saying that would happened to you is ok it isn't and it should have been prevented but parents can't be there all the time and at ten and eight most parents rightly leave kids to play. I'm also not be-litelling waht happened. Rape is extreme in any circumstance and its understandable that it has caused you harm. It is also understandable that the boys mother cannot face up to it.

I'm just trying to give an explanation because if you understand why something happened it can make you feel better.

Answer 4

This is a TERRIBLE thing to have happened to you at such a very vunerable age. I trust you have someone impartial that you can talk it all through with.
I speak as a mother when i say that both mothers in the case must have very strong emotions about this situation. Mothers are INCREDIBLY protective of their children, protecting them sometimes even when they are in the wrong.
Your mum will feel that she has failed to protect you, and will feel angry towards both this boy and his mother.
The other mother, im sure, must be horrified to hear what has happened, what her own child has done.
There are a lot of emotions to deal with right now, and im sure that both families would want to deal with it in their own homes. It must be very awkward for both families right now.

Let both women sort this out themselves. Any friendship they had will have changed, whether or not it can continue is for both of them to decide. Rest assured, whatever the outcome, it will be THEIR decision and has no reflection upon you.
It is somewhat doubtful that they would have had this friendship for the last 19 years if the truth had come out at the time. (and YOU would not have had to carry this burden upon you)

I wish you the very best of luck with YOUR future. Concentrate on yourself for now. Make yourself as well as you can. Only YOU can decide what things affect you and for how long. Be strong.
Worry only for yourself for now. The two ladies, im sure, are capable of sorting their own business out

Good luck and take care

regards

Debs x

Answer 5

To be honest i dont think you should bother, after what that scum did to you why would you want your mum to even be in the same room as any of his family. Its never to late to get this person prosacuted and put away which he deserves. I cant believe that your boss has suspended you, you told the truth ,youve been through hell and then you get punished again through work, i say find another job. Good luck

Answer 6

has the boy admitted it? Mother look after there own and to be honest I as a Mother would have done the same thing as you mum/ how far do you want this to go are you going to bring charges because if you are you need to understand what has happen to you talk to Mum be honest - she will not talk to the other Mum because she is a Mum and would not like her children to suffer - have you gone to counselling- why did this happen has he done it to any one else what sort of lift did he have - what was his family life like? have you try talking to the person whom did it to you and why after all this time have you dug it up

Answer 7

i'm afraid that as a mother your main priority is to keep your child safe and well, and even though what happened is in no way her fault deep down i expect she is feeling some guilt as she was not able to protect you. Even though the boys mother is also not responsible because they were friends i expect deep down she's angry that she missed what had happened too.
If you are serious about trying to get them to talk you will need to talk to your mother first to make sure she knows it is not her parenting that is to blame and try to get her to see that children (no matter what age they are) do bad things no matter how they were brought up. She needs to remember that this woman is probably feeling the same guilt and frustration she is feeling- hope this helps good luck

Answer 8

Who your mother chooses to be friends with is her business. Maybe in time they will work it out, but she's got issues to work though regarding the situation. Take care of you and your emotional health, that's the most important thing...and maybe seek out alternative employement for your peace of mind.

Answer 9

i'm geussing none of the other answers helped? maybe you should go round to the mother your self and talk to her,but what ever you do,do not say to her you were lieing just to get her friendship bk,coz that won't work and it will only hurt you more!

Answer 10

you can't do that. that's between them. take this time and heal yourself, that's where your focus needs to be right now. best of luck.