He called me and confessed his actions the day it happened and I do believe he is sorry...but I'm not sure sorry is enough. I know there was nothing wrong in our marriage to provoke anything like this but... I'm afraid his inability to control himself when he is drinking shows a serious level of instability. He has "on his own" acknowledged that he becomes very dumb when he drinks and has sworn that until he feels that he is truely able to be... well a man he will not be drinking outside of my presence. This happened six months ago and I still find myself crying uncontrollably at times... I do believe in second chances...but I can't seem to get past all of this. Will the pain ever stop? What will help? I'm very desperate for answers anything will help.
2006-06-20 15:36:58 · 14 answers · asked by Linda K 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
The pain isn't going to stop until you deal with your feelings, tell him how this has made you feel, and finally forgive him for what he did. What happened in your marriage is a big thing - getting counseling would be a wise thing to do.
Your husband obviously has a drinking problem that needs to be dealt with. If he knows he gets stupid when he drinks - why does he still drink? Seeing a counselor would be a good thing for both of you and it will help you both communicate with eachother.
2006-06-20 15:42:07 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Oh how I remember the pain! It gut wrenching the trust he betrayed,Im sorry for u! I went to counseling and did forgive ,it was so hard and tk a long time,It went good for many yrs then he did it again so I divorced and it was the best thing I ever did .I have seen many friends get drunk and leave with others .....not there spouse .It is very common among drinkers cause the first thing tht leaves is inhibition when we get loaded.I will just sit my husband at the bar and when I come back a half hr later there is some drunk chic hanging her arms all over him! So I really think he should have kept you frm knowing in the first place and cleaned up his act from then on.Now he has dumped his guilt on you! You need to get yourself under control and when you do make the decision ,I would leave my new husband if he did tht! Lifes too short to put up with pain like tht.Your worth more!
2006-06-20 23:02:12 · answer #2 · answered by jessy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know how you feel and I know it sucks and just the thought is really painful. The pain will always be there, but the mroe time that goes by the deeper it will be buried. It would help for him to stick to his promise of not drinking unless you are around, and that should be and indefinite rule. It helps to focus on the things he does for you and what you do love about him. If he showed (and continues to show) that he is truely sorry I beleive he should get a second chance, but he should know that means NO more mess-ups, even breaking his word about the drinking. And he should comfort you whenever you feel down about it, or anything for that matter.
2006-06-20 22:45:32 · answer #3 · answered by Miss Interpreted 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First, you really need to know that it wasn't your fault and that you didn't do anything wrong.And really beleive that.I think that it is hard to forgive, but once you have, you still never forget.It will always hurt you, though it will get better.The fact that he confessed that day, seems to me , that he was really sorry.IF it was brought on by the alcohol, he need not drink again, if not in your presence.That should be a rule so that you may feel easier about trusting him.Also, trust is earned.When he took that away from you, HE needs to earn it back, it isn't given.Let him know how you feel.Let him know that it still hurts you and that you cry over it.You may feel better talking to a counselor.The counselor is there to help you sort out your feelings and to help you feel better, not to critisize you.Noone is mad at you for trying to make your marriage work, even though your hubby made a mistake.It's your choice and I am sure he is thankful for it.Just make him understand and work on the trust.Good luck.
2006-06-20 22:45:09 · answer #4 · answered by missyandgordon 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The pain will go in time, but the trust has been broken. I would suggest if drinking is the problem, maybe he has a problem and he needs help. If not, he must prove to you that he is really sorry, by building that trust back. Don't worry, the pain will go away. It natural that you feel like that. You were betrayed by the person that you care most. He not only broke your heart. He broke that confidence that you had in him. Try this, it helps me sometimes when something bad happens to me. Get a lettet, and write everyting that you would like to tell him and her. write down what you feel. Once you have done that tore it and throw it in the trash. Let time be your healer.
2006-06-20 23:01:50 · answer #5 · answered by balkis_sierra 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I really feel for you girl. Here's what I think; this won't ever go away until he stops drinking because he has told you that he can't control himself when he drinks. Now you get to decide if you can be content being miserable thinking about what he did for the next 10 or so years, or move on with your own life. They will never stop drinking once they are that far into it. Think about it. He is a grown man admitting to you that he cannot control his actions when he drinks. To me, thats as good as saying he promises to be good unless he's had something to drink.
2006-06-20 22:42:43 · answer #6 · answered by americandream1 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your husband is a jerk - he confessed the affair to you only because he felt guilt and needed to relieve himself. The only time you should ever confess to an affair is if it's been long lasting. A one night mistake with someone is never worth troubling a marriage over. Unlike you, I don't believe in second chances - if he cheats once, he'll do it again and again and again - and now you're enabling it because he told you and you didn't do anything about it! Leave his sorry butt - you can do so much better and he won't know what hit him!
2006-06-21 07:13:59 · answer #7 · answered by Rachel 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Once I was in the same situation. I believe in second chances, but it's a very difficult thing to go through. In my case even though I forgive him it was very hard just to be the same, the whole relationship changed. I think the best advice i could give to you its to give it a try, and make your best to stop thinking about what happened; it takes a long time but the pain goes away, help yourself, improve your relationship, but also remind him that you are smart and that you won't be there a second time.
2006-06-20 22:45:04 · answer #8 · answered by Caicita 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My boyfriend cheated on me when he was drinking (I was in the next room) and I took him back. But boundaries had to be made..and he had to prove things to me. He said he would quit drinking..so far he has..he has been changing things and now the trust has to be built. I'm still hurt about it, I cried about it today..even though he's making changes...there are so many emotions you go through and so many people giving you advice..people will say drinking is not an excuse..you have to decide if you are going to give him another chance..if you are; you have let go and not think about what could happen in the future or what happened in the past..LET GO.. set boundaries..and try to allow him to prove to you again so that trust can be built..and if you believe in God I would say pray..no matter what you will be ok..keep pressin on and livin life..don't let your life revolve around him..get involved in things that interest you..don't dwell in the pain too long..keep pressin on
2006-06-20 23:00:14 · answer #9 · answered by RINA 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
right before me and my husband got he confesed almost the same thing he said a girl offered him some and he thought about her offer for a while. but didnt go through with i believed him he is also is dumb when he drinks and i made him promise he would only drink around me and i have forgave him and if your husband told you right after it happened i believe he truley does love you or he would not have told you believe your tears will stop soon the pain will but you cant just forgive you have to forget for you two can truley move on happily
2006-06-20 22:44:55 · answer #10 · answered by aleym 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋