My wife's fallen off the wagon again. I don't feel I can trust her again, what should I do?

Question

She drinks as a way to 'deal', but always overdoes it. She is an angry drunk, and has gotten physical in the past. Once she even lost control of her bowels while sleeping in our bed. When we went to bed that night, we had both had 2 cups of wine, but after I fell asleep, she kept drinking. She has promissed 3 times she would stop withing the last 4 years. She has done OK for a while before, stopping for up to a year. Each time she broke her promise, we have argued. This last time we fought she pulled me down and I had my hand on her throat so angry that I wanted to squeeze (but I didn't). We have been married 5 years, but now I feel I can't trust her (with this issue) and I don't believe it won't happen again. I don't even think I CAN rebuild trust in her. I feel so angry that I have asked her for a divorce. She wants us to keep trying, at least stay together for 3 months and go to counceling, but I feel like I have given her enough chances. Am I giving up too quickly?

Answer 1

The situation is out of your control. You are an active participant in her sickness, you need professional help. I would start looking at a residential treatment facility for her. you also need to talk to a marriage & family, or drug treatment therapist about it. You need to get well just as she does. Alcoholism controls the family, not just the alcoholic.

Answer 2

Go with her to AA. Something is eating her up and she has to come to grips with it. The AA 12-step program is wonderful and effective. AA meetings are held every day, many times a day all over the place. You should be able to find a meeting convenient for you by doing a web search of check your local newspaper where it lists community events or whatever. I say give her another chance. While at the AA meeting she can find a sponsor who will be available for her whenever she has a rough time that she has to get through or needs to talk. If you expect her not to drink, don't tempt her by having wine and drinking wine in the house. It won't always be this way, but you just can't have the stuff of any kind readily available. Many blessings to you. You and your wife are not unique when it comes to your dilemma.

Answer 3

Giving up too quickly is completely up to you and how you feel down deep in your heart. Even though marriage is supposed to be through sickness and in health, we don't really live like that. We can always justify anything and everything and we do justify what ever we want to. I can tell you this. I was a drunk for over 16 years and my wife stuck with me and she tried this and she tried that. She joined not AA but there was a sister club which I cannot think of just yet for some reason. But that helped her to deal with me. Alot of us alcoholics do not change. I am one of the very fortunate, which I claim Blessed in my case. One day I just stopped. That was over 12 years ago, so it is possible. I am Blessed because not only did I not drink any longer, I no longer craved the booze, and this is the honest truth. I tried so many times throughout my drinking career but I never wanted to quit. I never stopped praying for Gods help though. And one day out of the blue it was done and over. I still remember the day the feeling came over me when I knew God lifted that desire from me. I too was an angry drunk although I never touched my wife, not once. But I was violent with everyone else around me. My story is horrible and I don't want to explain all that, but I do want to share the fact that there is hope for you and your wife. Seriously, she does need you. And I realize that it is probably the toughest thing you have to go through trying to decide if you have had enough and will call it quits. No-one can blame you if you divorce her. I am not trying to preach to you one way or the other. I just wanted to share with you my similar experience and let you know that my prayer really was answered. God can help. You and especially your wife has to let Him. If I come up with the name of that club (when I remember) I will try to remember to come back and update this for you. Until then may God bless both of you. (smile)

Answer 4

Do not pass go, head directly to your nearest Al-Anon group! Whether or not your wife EVER stops the alcohol abuse, YOU are co-dependent and need help to deal with it. I lived with my prescription drug/alcoholic husband for YEARS without knowing how sick I was becoming (co-dependency IS an illness!). It wasn't until my son became an alcoholic at age 16 that I entered treatment for my co-dependency and FINALLY the light was shown on the past (flashbacks are scary things!!) and I saw the truth. I attended Al-Anon, and other 12-step groups, worked the program, and am STILL working the program. My son is 37, is an active alcoholic, but I know it's only ME that I have any control over and live "one day at a time" and although my heart is saddened by his choices, I let him live his life.
As for your wife, divorce may or may not be the right answer, but until you get help for yourself ..... counselling, joining Al-Anon, etc. ..... you'll never know what the "right" course of action is. It MAY help to separate for a short time while you are getting this help, and encouraging HER to join AA and/or get counselling. This might show her you are SERIOUS about your relationship being is danger of dissolving. If you truly love her and she loves you, you'll both WANT to be well. There are ISSUES your wife is "dealing" (unsuccessfully) with that need to be addressed and HEALED. It may not even be related to you or your marriage ... it could be something from childhood. Either way, SHE needs help and the good news is there's help available. I hope both she and you gets help and your marriage can grow and thrive. I'll be praying for you!

Answer 5

You are so angry you are considering physical violence and you want to know if you are giving up too quickly? I suggest you take yourself to an AA meeting immediately and see your relationship without the rose colored glasses! Not only are you living with an alcoholic but you have become her enabler. You can't make your wife give up her drinking and her way of "dealing" with life is self destructive and dangerous. I would contact an attorney right after you attend that first AA meeting and I would suggest you stop drinking until you know that you don't have a drinking problem too. I agree you should attend counseling but not while you are living together. You are both at risk of serious physical injury and you need to separate until the alcoholism is addressed and your counselor feels it would be safe to live together. Good luck to you.

Answer 6

It seems you have stayed around this long dealing with her drinking so I think you are dedicated to her and love her even when she is acting like the addict that she is. For your own sake I would recommend that you go with her and try and then you can truly make a decision about her, knowing that you did everything you could. You will be able to make a much better decision about your future with this kind of closure should she not be real in her intentions to change this time. I hope everything goes well for you before your heart is completely numb about her. I think you have some tough love ahead of you. She will not change until she has reached rock bottom and stops drinking because SHE wants to stop for HER. Try AA for spouses, you need the support, you are not alone in your feelings.

Answer 7

You have to understand that she is an alcoholic - it's a disease. She doesn't choose to fall off the wagon, it's just something that happens. I would say you should go to counseling and try to work it out. Counseling will be very good for her - because I'm sure the counselor will suggest she get into an AA program or even go to a rehab. She needs to be in AA - where she has support and she can get the support she needs not to drink.
Try the counseling out and just be honest and open in the sessions. Don't judge her and don't mistrust her because she made a mistake. Alcoholism isn't something she can just turn on and off - she has a disease and needs help to overcome it.

Answer 8

do you have kids together? if you do make sure you take them into consideration. it is horrible for children to see thier parents ight all the time. it is also hard for them to go through a divorce but in the long run could be better fo hem than coninued fighting. if you have no kids together than maybe i is over. addicts are hard to predict. there is always a chance for relaps no matter how long you have been clean so you are right not to trust her that it won't happen again. that doesn't mean that you guys will never wok it out. counseling might work. but i think she needs support to. if you stay together you shouldn't drink at all either. what ever happens good luck.

Answer 9

The success rate for alcoholics ( three yrs of continuous sobriety) is less than 3%, even with professional help and/or AA. It is your decision, but base it on the fact that she will probably never stop abusive drinking. If you decide to stay, don't try to change her. You'll just have to learn how to deal with it. Good luck.

Answer 10

first of all, a couple of ***** slaps shouldn't hurt it will make you feel good and she'll probably wont feel anything cause' she's too drunk. But seriously get rid of all the booze in the house, She is your responsibility don't tkae the easy way out and divorce her that's not right. She has a problem, maybe you should get a problem of your own and start messing around on her i bet you she won't appreciate that and you can use that as a bargaining tool!!

Answer 11

Who is to say how quick or when you should give up on a person.
Counseling could be the answer if you love her, but have you tried
ALANON? It is an organization that helps the family deal with substance abuse as well as the alcholic. I know several familys this has worked for. It all depends on how much you love her and want your relationship to work. Trust can be rebuilt in time but you must be there for her for it to succeed.