How do you deal with Midlife Crisis? What do u do when suddenly u r negative for all things?

Question

Was married for 12yrs, tried to seek attention from my hb, but he was always too busy with the television, @ work, or sleep. I thought I have found happiness with a guy that could provide me with attention, love, etc, turned out he was a control jealous freak. Now I am divorced, lonely, empty, feeling negative about everything. What to do? There's nothing to look fwd to anymore. Pls help

Sudddenly, I realise I am in my mid 40's, with no job experiences, no $, no friends coz they didn't like my x lover. Now, I really do not wanna contact anyone, coz I don't want anyone to worry abt me, feeling sorry for me, coz I am the cost of the problem, i ought to end it. I really do not know what to do.

Answer 1

This is a very long answer! I am sorry, but I had to write this! Bear with me....

As a woman who is 50 and who went through her own mid life crisis (and divorce and self reinvention) over the last ten years and who felt very much as you do now, I would like to share some things that helped me to get out of negative self talk. I have learned how to view mid life as a wonderful time of growth, which got me out of a bad mind set.

Hon, the first mistake you are making is defining yourself and your personal value on whether or not you have a boyfriend or husband. You are not unique in this mindset. I did the same thing, but no one defines us or determines our self worth and value, EXCEPT ourselves. Thinking that a man will define your self worth and your placement in this world will only serve to make you depressed and feel as alone as you do now. The only person who defines you and your self worth is YOU. No one else can do this. Instead of thinking that someone else is responsible for definining you, LOOK WITHIN. You are a unique individual, with your own skills, gifts, ideas, mind and thoughts that make you who you are. If you only seek out men to define and complete you, you will feel alone, as you do now. You feel alone and empty because you are not looking within yourself to find the things that you possess to bring you self nurturance and self love - to define the woman you are now.

Most women define and value themselves as complete when they have a boyfriend or husband because we are socialized by our families and the media to believe this is the case. We are taught that to be of value we must achieve the ultimate goal in life: to get married, have a family, own a house, and so forth. Those of us who decide to have a career, in addition to marriage, are taught that having "it all" makes us more worthy. If we choose not to marry or have kids, then something is wrong with us (although this is changing, thank god). If we wind up getting divorced, we are viewed as being failures and that because our marriages failed, we are not capable of having a relationship or worse, something is wrong with us. Married friends may shun us (or not), family members query us about whether or not we are dating, or if we will ever remarry, and as a consequence, we feel anxious and apart from society. We feel as if we are outsiders looking in. When we believe this, we feel lost.

Divorce is hard, especially when you are in your mid forties and going through perimenopause. That adds to the confusion and the negative feelings we have. With hormones rising and falling, we feel different and are different in many ways. It is a time, generally - and without divorce - of questioning and assessing our lives, what we have accomplished or didn't, what we want to do in the future, and what changes we want to make. We fear aging and growing older, and dying too young or too soon. We fear the changes our bodies are going through. Our looks change somewhat and we feel old, ugly, less attractive. Even though this is a scary and a weird time in our lives, we needn't feel this way. Experience and wisdom comes with age, and even if our bodies are not as firm as they once were, and even if we gain a bit of weight or have tons of gray hair, we are still beautiful. I feel better and more beautiful NOW than I did in my twenties and thirties! I may not be as thin as I was, but that is okay - I accept and honor the woman I am now. I receive the beauty I possess now with welcome arms and more confidence than I ever had before. Why? I accept the woman I am today. It gets better, really and you CAN GET THROUGH IT.

Some suggestions: One of the best things I ever did when I got divorced was to go to therapy with a psychologist who specialized in divorce. She also held a weekly group session (for an hour an a half) with her other female clients (6 or 7 of us) and we worked together on finding our paths AND releasing our hurt, and anger towards our exes. This was of the BIGGEST help to me and those women in that group are my sisters.

Forgive. Forgive your ex for the mistakes he made in the marriage. Most importantly, forgive YOURSELF for the contributions you made as well. One person was not responsible for the end of your marriage; you both were. Recognizing this, accepting it, and forgiving all parties releases you and frees you. Send him off with love, karmically speaking, and thank him for the things he taught you - for the time you had together. Let go.

Assess what you really want in a relationship. Think about what will fulfill your needs in a relationship. Do you want a partner who you can be friends with, who accepts you for who you are; who listens and gives back? Reassess your NEEDS - the real ones, not the fantasy ones of Prince Charming riding on his steed who will save the day, but the real, meaty stuff. My second husband, for example, is NOT my physical type, but we are spiritual twins, friends, and confidantes. I looked at his inner self first before I looked at the outer shell (as I used to), and that is what I fell in love with. Our marriage is terrific and real. No games.

Do things you love. Write, read, see friends or make new ones. Open your heart and your mind, and free yourself of these limiting chains. You ARE worthy. You are of VALUE because of who YOU are. It rests within.

Peace, sister -

Answer 2

Woman tend to get a little crazy when they go through the change. We for what ever reason have this overwhelming fear that we ar getting old, less womanly,lass desirable and less sexual. AHHHH! WRONG! This is our time! We usually have kids gone our spouses are content or we have divorced, there are other variables but these fit your current statues. THERE is always SOMETHING to look forward to. You need to first STOP KICKING yourself and loathing over what should be and what is now. This alone will make you cynical and men, or me for that matter can not deal with a cynical bitter woman. What is going on with your income, or lack of income? If you don't have a job get one, or two, this will keep you busy, self esteem and worth will grow and you will have money. Give yourself "ME" time. Be nice to yourself and you will be able to give nice. Start a journal and The Remaking Of Self Plan, in the plan you need to consider diet, exercise, relationships, dress, beauty, health, love, you! If your the only one responsible for making you happy go nuts doing it, this reflects into outward beauty, people can see twinkles in your eyes, smiling like a person on nitrosoxide is a give away. Reinvent hair, face, body, soul,mind! Balance is key, reinforcing your value system so that you don't get in to a snare with a would be mismatch. Love yourself, love your life and get out and start to live it!

Answer 3

slow down first and take a deep breath. you have mentioned some good things here - like getting out of 2 bad relationships - that's a great start - next, you are starting over - its always hard to get the engine going again when all you see is a tunnel with no light - but there is always light - it just may be in another direction and through a different tunnel - call your old friends - FRIENDS DON'T FEEL SORRY - THEY JUST HELP BECAUSE YOU ARE THEIR FRIEND - OTHERWISE THEY WOULD NOT BE FRIENDS. - put your resume together - if you don't know how there are many sites that can help you - go get work - temp, full time, retail - whatever - just get off your feet - so many people don't even try to get up - funny, no one would walk if we all gave up when we fell.

Answer 4

I know what you mean it`s like you kind of wonder why bother,maybe you`ll end up in the same boat again.Thats where I`m at and I`m taking my time on a daily basis weighing my options and hoping to meet some new friend or people I have a little in common with.Even although you felt alone in your relationship at least we had the feeling someone was there even a spare body lying around.There are men about that feel like us you can meet one...go on life is too short.

Answer 5

Let this be a learning lesson for you. It is not the end of the world. Consider joining a spirit filled, and loving church. Develop some friendships in church. Start networking in the church. Consider taking some continue education classes to get job skills or go to school and get a degree or trade. It sounds like you don't yourself and have tried to find security in your relationships. Wholeness comes from devine intervention. Seems like you were only attracting men that were as insecure and miserable as you, which is the reason you had this void. Once you find learn to love yourself and discover self-love you will draw healthy relationships.

Answer 6

Things get better. Reach out to an old friend. I have been kicked down a few times. Family and friends will help you thru. If not go to a support group or to a singles mixer and meet some people. If you give it time and some effort it will get better. I have found the love of my life and so can you.

Answer 7

Get a councilor and find something to look forward to like a trip in a few months with friends. Don't sweat this.... this is more common then you think. Keep going with work and find some good friends and don't start drinking or gambling or anything addictive because that will make it worse in the long run.

And pray, Let God be your best friend. He loves you and wants you to be alright.

Answer 8

First of all don't let a relationship define your being. Friends may not have talked to you because of your ex but if they are true friends they will welcome you back with open arms. Love yourself and that will make life that much sweeter. Relationships are great but a lot of work. Enjoy getting to know yourself and being comfortable in the skin you're in and when you do everything else will fall into place. Call that old friend they'd love to hear from you.

Answer 9

why not start from the beginning and see where you think that you went wrong. have you thought about counseling? there are some counselors that work for the state that will take you on a sliding scale.

its not easy to be alone at any age, but midlife seems like the cards are stacked against you. its time to realize that you need to get the priorities straight and decide what you want to do with your life. depending on a man to make you happy is not going to get you anywhere. to be happy with a man, you have to be happy with yourself first.

Answer 10

Always have a positive attitude in life. Relationship have good and bad phases as its human to be like that.. Now you know him and got separated too. Feel free and try to work on for better life with fun. Get back to your friends and make them know how wonderful person you are and let them know you too love to live a life.. Be bubbly and joys as its easy to be lied by all with kind of personality. once you have that attitude i am sure you will be back to your life and have great time too!! Cheers to that now!!!!!!!

Answer 11

I changed my 3 daughters lives when each one turned 18. I got them a job where I worked.They met their husbands there and are financial stable and they have so many good friends.Before they got this job they were headed down a bad bad road.And the most important info is Pray!