I need advise on how to deal with my emotions concerning my ex husband?

Question

We have been married for 7 yrs he has cheated on me, lied to me, and stole money from me. We have two kids so I obviously have a deep connection. I do not know how to emotionally get over him with out letting it ruin my life or any future relationship I may have.

Answer 1

The old saying goes that it takes Two to Tango. You ex-husband may have been a complete jerk or worse, but you married him and the relationship was both of your duties. If you make a major mistake in marrying him, you must first deal with the fact that was your choice (even if it was a bad one).

The fact that you share children does mean that you will have to deal with this guy for a while. No matter how you were effected emotionally, this should not limit his contact with his children. This will be a sore spot in your personal life for some time.

The most important item for you to do is learn how to express you emotions about your ex. This needs to be done away from the children. If you cannot do this with a close friend, family member or clergy, then by all means seek a group or private counseling. As long as your emotional state is unexpressed, it will continue to disrupt your life.

With the items above in control, you will be ready to think about a possible new relationship. Just keep in mind that communication is the key. The better you learn to communicate, the less likely you will be to repeat earlier mistakes. Avoid blaming all men for the actions of your ex. His choices were personal and may not have been the choices of another man, especially one that is honestly interested in you as a person (and not just a sexual outlet).

Do not feel rushed. All of this will go at the rate that it needs to complete what needs to be done. You have the rest of your life ahead of you. Get this out of the way so that you can enjoy it.

Answer 2

You have to remind yourself again & again that the most important thing is self respect . If self is lost , everything is lost .
No matter how your ex may behave with you or how your heart will go for him, you have to maintain an image of yours not just in your eyes but also of kids .
Since you still have him on your mind , it doesnt make sense to run into a new relationship as of now . But you can go & meet your friends , spend time with your kids in some new activity .
Surf through this site or on the internet .
Keep yourself occupied in something or the other . An empty mind is a devil's workshop so dont let it remain idle .
Soon you will find that the memories will fade .
Not just this , in your relationship you are at the receiving end . Try out new things & you will feel you are doing something meaningful .
Down the line when you will read this question of yours again , you wont be sad but you will just laugh it off .

Answer 3

I went through the same thing about 3 years ago...we also have 2 children, so trust me, I know how bad you're hurting!!!!!!! I guess all I can say is, for the moment you're in right now, it really does feel like your life is ruined, and you might never want to love again!! It WILL pass!!!Pray for strength, and keep fighting through all those emotions. Focus on your children, they are the most important right now...it took me almost 2 years before I could talk to/see my ex w/o shaking, heart pounding, sweating. There will come a day when by chance you'll meet your ex on the street and you'll realize those anger, hurt, love, confusing feelings are gone. There is a man out there that will love you the right way, and will accept you and everything that comes with you! Don't keep your heart closed to love...just think of what you might be missing if you do. Keep your head clear, your chin up! Look to your family and friends for support, don't try to go this alone!!!Good luck.....I will pray for you!!!!

Answer 4

ummmm start by reading this question...he lied to you, stole from you and cheated on you???? what exactly is it that you are trying to get over??? this man treated you like you were nothing and judging from his actions of the past i would say those kids are simply a consequence to him not some 'deep connection'. what you need to do is wake up and smell the roses!!! you can't possible feel anything good for this man, what you like is the IDEA of what you think a marriage should be, certainly not what this one really was. make yourself a list of what you think love should feel like, look like and act like then see how many of the things on that list this guy ISN'T. that should give you a clue...then lose all the 'deep connection' crap concerning the kids, you are turning them into some fairy tale bs and this is real life, the deep connection is the one between YOU and the kids NOT him and you because he knocked you up...HELLO that requires only one brief connection and doesn't mean anything beyond a child support check in the greater scheme of things! you truly need to do yourself a favor and stop living in cinderellaville, this is the real world planet earth.

Answer 5

The only thing I can tell you is that it is going to take time to get over him.... how much time depends on you.

I was married for 10 years when my husband left me for another woman. I fell apart emotionally and had to seek counseling just to have someone unbiased to speak to and get through it.

It is very hard to see the forest through the trees in the beginning, and no matter how much people tell you it will get better in time, it will mean nothing to you now, but I promise you, it will hurt less as time goes on.....

I was separated for one year and have now been divorced for a year... so it has been 2 years total... I am doing very well and yes I still think about him from time to time, it is hard not to when you have shared so much of your life together...

Some tips on how to deal? Try counseling and if that isn't for you, then take up a hobby which will occupy your mind... like reading or painting or something that will take your minds focus off the problem at hand.

MOST IMPORTANTLY, focus on your children, because seeing mommy so upset and hurt will effect them, Do more things with them, play board games or go to the park etc.... Focus on your kids and yourself and not your husband....

and again... its gonna take you awhile to feel better...

Tawny

Answer 6

Divorce will leave you emotionally scarred. I enrolled the help of my friends to help me through that difficult time of my life. I was able to vent and to talk about my emotions and fears about the future.
Therapy helps, because is not about finding someone, is about not dragging all of your emotional baggage into a new relationship. You have to let go of the fear of being cheated on and stolen from again. In short, you have to work on your self before attempting a new relationship while you are still vulnerable.
Try a Divorce group, you can socialize and meet people that are going through the same situation.
Good luck.

Answer 7

You should really consider getting into counseling. Counseling will really help you work through your problems and get a fresh perspective on things. If you can't afford counseling at least talk to someone you trust - you need to let your feelings out. Since your husband put you through so much you have a lot of hurt, anger, pain, resentment, bitterness, etc all inside you. Keeping those emotions inside of you isn't good for you, your kids, or future relationships.

Answer 8

I'm really sorry that that happened to you. The first thing is to remember that it's absolutely not your fault that he was bad to you, although you need to own up if you let it go on longer than necessary. Second, you have children together so you are going to have to be around him to a point for the rest of their lives (and yours too), so it's important to respect his relationship with them (unless he's abusive). I would suggest that you wait a considerable amount of time until you try dating again, at least a year or more ideally. THat would give you time to get some counselling and hopefully foret about the jerk

Answer 9

It takes time and with children together it means you still have contact.

Everyday gets a little better.

When you meet a new man that you are interested in, take your time and make no comparisions between the new man and your ex. Give the new men in your life the benefit of the doubt.

Lots of us have made it through and you will too.

Answer 10

I think counseling would be best honey.... for one to get married, that is like saying, I am willing to give you my all... .then when the other party is not as willing it hurts... bad & you have to define where and when you are to draw the line. I know he has hurt you and there will never be a simple way that you will get over this. the only thing that I can offer as advice is try to love yourself again, realize that the breakup of your marriage was not your fault. Don't beat yourself up over his actions.....

perhaps get a journal or seek out family and friend... they are there for you! p.s. there is power in prayer

Answer 11

counceling! yes.. it's NOT a bad thing.
if you are concerned about repeating what you had just went through with him in other relationships, then get help.. talk to a councelor that deals in that stuff.
wait out about 3 years if you plan on not going back with him. it's true, if you date any sooner then 3 years or more.. old habits WILL repeat and you will meet someone exactly the same way.