Married 9 years. I was desperatly unhappy. My wife no longer seemed to care about me. I did all the cooking, some of the cleaning and the dishes half the time. No matter how much I did or how hard I tried she was just too busy and didn't have time for me. I finally told her I wanted a wife and partner. Someone who would put effort into the relationship and make the marriage a priority. All I wanted was for my marriage to work and now it's been destroyed. I'm so depressed, the only thing that makes me happy is spending time with my kids. Man this hurts, it's been 8 months and I still can't move on. I think I'm going to be alone for a very long time.
2006-06-20 06:48:38 · 37 answers · asked by Coz 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
It hurts now, but happiness is on the horizon! Rest assured that there are women out there who would love to have a dedicated hubby like you. Start dating but do not rush into a "rebound relationship" and find more emptiness. She is out there awaiting your discovery. In fact, she is looking for you!
2006-06-20 06:54:08 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 16⤊ 5⤋
Jeff - If you're still doubting your decision to confront your wife, please don't. You did the right thing. What amazes me is that you didn't do so a long time ago. You must either have the patience of Job or really love your wife. If you didn't confront this situation, which many would agree is unacceptable, you'd live the rest of your life in misery with this doubt eating away at you.
As others have said here, it appears that your wife moved in another direction, choosing her work or her activities over your marriage a long time ago, so this was inevitable. I know its easier said than done, but you've got to embrace your decision and its ramifications and be reassured that you indeed did the right thing. You alone did not destroy the marriage by what you did, the marriage was already crumbling and your ultimatum basically forced your wife to make a decision.
If you're so depressed, you really should visit your doctor and be treated for depression (if that's what you're diagnosed with). Don't let this go, get treatment and get help if not for you, think of your kids.
Events like this make you appreciate your children more than ever. It's your choice to really solidify your relationship with your children. They need you now more than ever and frankly, you need them too.
You do need to move on, but you're in the grieving process and only you can decide when your ready to move on. Just think of your health, happiness and children and move past this. So you're going to be alone for a while - sounds like you were alone even when you were married.
Work on you! Work on making yourself a better you. Once you accept what's happened and decide to pull yourself up by your bootstraps... you'll feel a lot better.
Good luck man... and don't forget get treated for that depression... it's a destructive disease.
2006-06-20 07:07:57 · answer #2 · answered by RAllen1st 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I made the same mistake in my first marriage with my husband. I got so wrapped up in the children and house that there was not a lot of time or energy left for "us". I must say though some where along the way the love or desire to have more with him disappeared, so it was not a priority for me anyway. In my case it may have been different though because I think I had also lost respect for him for other reasons. Nonetheless, to answer your question.....no I dont think you were wrong to give her an ultimatum especially if you had expressed this to her over and over. I wonder if you even tried counseling? Sometimes they can help a couple reconnect if you will. As far as being alone forever, you will not be! Just enjoy your children for now....your freedom....and self exploration. Now is the time to set your standards for your next mate. Dont settle for anything less than you deserve just to keep from being lonely. (Another mistake I made....now I am married to a man that shows ME no time and attention and all I do is give to him!) Just take your time, heal, maybe go to counseling to help you understand yourself better and to help you in setting boundaries in choosing your next partner. Whatever you do dont give up hope. Now is a rough time, it must be, that is natures course. Be patient with yourself as you work through the emotions following a break up. Slowly you will start to recognize who you are and what you want! Just remember this too shall pass.....every new day is the first day of the rest of your life....make the most of it! Hugs!
2006-06-20 07:05:35 · answer #3 · answered by momkmmt4 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, you did the right thing. You stood up for yourself and put a stop to your wife taking advantage of you. At least now you can have some self-respect. Stop telling yourself you "destroyed" the marriage by speaking out - 'cos it sounds as if it was effectively over a long, long time ago. So just be the man that you are, stand up tall, & face the future with a clear conscience. Concentrate on being the father that you would want to be for your children. Continue to be someone they can respect and look up to. And never look back!
2006-06-20 07:00:53 · answer #4 · answered by EarthStar 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
When you give someone an ultimatum, you need to be ready to accept the consequences. She was obviously done with the relationship and just going through the motions. At least now you know. It will take time, but you are better off alone than with someone who does not care about or appreciate you. You WILL meet someone when you are ready, and you will look back on this as the necessary step toward what will no doubt be a much happier life.
2006-06-20 07:10:35 · answer #5 · answered by Debbie D 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
are you kidding, you and you're wife should play eqaul roles in the relationship and not only with work. What is she so busy with that she completely ignores you. If you honestly tried to make the marriage work but she isnt receptive then somthing must be wrong on her end!!! If you have tried talkingit out privately then try counseling because as long as you are on the good side of the erlationship she is at fault. Just try not to do anything stupid in the time youre trying to reconcile dexkma@yahoo.com
2006-06-20 06:56:21 · answer #6 · answered by dexkma 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You didn't do anything wrong. I was in the same type of relationship only we were together for 7 yrs and weren't married. He continually ignored me and when I told him I needed more he left me. Imagine how much more it would hurt for her to ignore you and then leave you for someone else. You did the right thing bc marriage should be a loving partnership forever not just at first. I'm guessing she decided that she couldn't give you the love and attention you deserve and you don't deserve that. On top of that, you kids need to see how love should be and they will learn that from your relationships with other people.
2006-06-20 06:56:13 · answer #7 · answered by mk 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Everyone deserves to be happy. I don't think it was wrong by telling her what you needed to be happy. It was really quite brave. She sounds very independent and perhaps the ultimatum was not the best way to go about it but...it is unfortunate that she couldn't see that this is something that the two of you could work on. At the very least try to have a conversation with her about why she chose to go without trying to work it out. That might really help with getting some closure. Sometimes that's all that is needed to get the perspective you need to move forward.
2006-06-20 06:53:55 · answer #8 · answered by justneedascreenname 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It takes time to be happy again. All you did was push up the inevitable ending. You have to decide who do you love more you or her? If you say you then get up get out go to the gym, work, spend time with your kids and go on with life when you least expect it love will be right there but now you need time alone. Been there almost 2 years but I would rather be alone then unhappy with someone else.
2006-06-20 06:57:00 · answer #9 · answered by soulmate_n_nc 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am assuming that either you or she left. Trust me it sounds like it is for the best. Marriage cant survive without key parts of love and mutual respect. You sound like a good guy that any girl would be happy to have a relationship with. Just keep looking and I doubt that you will be alone. don't look at it as a failure but a learning experience and build on that. good luck and don't be sad. You have made the right moves
2006-06-20 06:54:37 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
When you give an ultimatum, someone gets hurt. This was you.
She could not invest in something she thought was not worth investing in.
Did you ever talk to her about this prior to the ultimatum? If not, then you kind of got what you should have expected.
If so and she decided that she would not change, then this is the best for you.
Being depressed sucks, but someone will come along. They will love you for you. I know that this is true.
Relax. She might have done you a huge favor.
2006-06-20 06:55:16 · answer #11 · answered by javarick 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋