Is this a dead-end relationship?

Question

I have a huge dilemma in my life that's causing alot of stress. My question is a bit long, but I need some honest answers. Here's a bit of background information and timeline to help understand the situation:

Back in 2000, I started dating Lawrence and was introduced to his friends including his friend Brad, whom I also quickly became close friends with and we spent alot of time together. Three months later, I moved into a 5-bedroom house with these people and I set-up my younger sister with Brad and she came by to visit often.
A few months later, Lawrence and I broke-up, causing all friends to basically 'pick sides'. At the same time, Brad had been invited to go along with my sister and parents on holiday and they left shortly after the break-up.
No one wanted to move out. Lawrence wasn't speaking to me at all, causing his friends to take his side and not speak to me either. There was alot of tension among everyone and I used to call my parents and cry to them about every detail. This basically caused my parents to hate these friends and they wanted my sister to break-up with Brad.
By summer 2001, my sister is still dating Brad and moves in with him, although my parents won't have anything to do with him. Brad and my sister fought alot, mostly over each other's differences and spending too much time. She was too needy and expected too much of him and he became angry and sometimes said mean things. She didn't really have any other close friends and only had our parents to talk to everytime she had a fight with Brad, therefore fueling the fire of dislike towards him. By September, Brad and I are friends again and we all spend time together.
A few months pass, my sister breaks-up with Brad and moves back to our parents place and buys a car. She goes back to school full-time and dates other people. Brad and I are still friends, since I refuse to pick sides. Brad and my sister just weren't suited to each other and were better apart, in my opinion. I don't even know how they stayed together as long as they did without killing each other.
Months pass, Brad and I start dating, but keep it a secret from my family just for awhile until I can figure out how to break it to my parents since they still won't have anything to do with him.
Later, I move-in with Brad, and finally tell my family. My sister never had a problem with he and I being together, she was over him long before she even broke-up with him.
Between then and last year, I’ve spent almost all family holidays with my parents and apart from Brad, since to me, even though he and I live together he is still just my boyfriend and these are 'family events'. It's not like he's my husband or even a common-law partner. This bothers him more than he let on at first. I spent this past Christmas and Easter with him and his family since we've been together so long and it's important to him.
Over the last 3 months, he has begun talking about he and I breaking-up because he sees that we have no future since my parents still haven’t had anything to do with him. My sister is engaged and getting married in August and he isn't invited and he feels left out of everything (he is her ex, though!! I wouldn't want any of my exes at my wedding!!). I really want things to work with him and recently I approached this subject with my parents who have agreed to have dinner with him and I sometime and allow him the chance to prove he’s not the bad guy they think he is. They want to hear an apology from him. I’m afraid that he has already given up on the relationship and refuses to suffer a bruised ego by apologizing to my parents. He refuses to believe that things could ever be okay between him and my parents.
I am otherwise happy with Brad, I love him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He treats me like any normal boyfriend would, and we do have our fights but we get along better than most of the other couples we know. Is there a way to make this work? Now that my parents are willing to make the attempt to get along, how do I convince him that apologizing to them will likely work wonders?

Answer 1

After reading all this a second time, it doesn't really sound like Brad did anything wrong. Basically, the reason your parents don't like him is because way back when, you cried to them about things that were going on with you, him, Lawrence and the other people in the house. Maybe you can start the ball rolling by telling your parents that you may have overstated some things and that Brad really didn't do anything that bad, that he was just trying to find his way in a difficult situation with the house and did the best he could, that he never meant to hurt anybody, and that you wish they'd give him a chance because he's a good guy. If they still insist on an apology before they'll have anything to do with him, tell him that if he wants this relationship to work, he needs to suck it up and apologize to your sister or whoever they think he needs to apologize to, and get this whole thing behind you.

If he is not ever going to apologize to your parents, and your parents will not accept him until he apologizes, and your parents are a big part of your life, then yes, it is a dead end relationship.

I've found, in reading a lot of questions on this site, that any time someone is asking a large group of strangers if a relationship is over, it is. They don't need advice, they just need confirmation of what they already know. Follow your head first, then your heart.

Answer 2

The only thing that I can suggest is for you to talk to Brad and be totally honest with your feelings and thoughts. If he genuinely knows how you feel about him and that there may actually be a chance that this relationship could work - then I say go for it! I think it would be really important for you to let him know that there is a possibility of a reconciliation between your parents and him. Have you told him about how your parents are open to having dinner with you and Brad? If not, I would definitely do so (immediately). I think that both of you need to look on the bright side (that this is something positive). I am hoping that once you speak to him that he will be willing to give your relationship another chance. Once you have laid all of your cards on the table...you will find out where you stand (proverbially speaking, the ball will be in his court). If for some reason he has given up all hope and still feels that the relationship is not going to go any further, then at least you know that you tried...that you gave it your all. If he is willing to meet with your parents and apologize for his shabby behavior towards your sister...well then that's GREAT! It would definitely be a step in the right direction. I wish you the best of luck and I pray that everything works out with you and your boyfriend! : )

Answer 3

Long, detailed and not quite as confusing as you may think - but you are "in" the relationship and that makes it harder.

First, I can't see what Brad has to apologize for.....for not choosing sides between you and Lawrence ? For breaking up with your sister (although you state the sister broke up with him)? If your sister has no problem with your dating Brad (which was pretty damn dangerous), then she need to tell the parents to lighten up.

Bottom line, however, is that you are living with Brad - a relationship that is pretty darn serious and pemanent (at least semi-permanent). You should be doing things as a couple - and that means spending time with his family and your family - as a couple. If you don't, then - yes - Brad would be right that there is no future for the two of you. (The means he should be going with you to the wedding - and he isn't an "ex" of your sister - he is simply an old boyfriend, but more importantly, he is her sister's live-in! Talk with her about this.)

You and Brad should get it straight that you are a couple - it seems his family has accepted that. You need to tell your family that they, too, need to accept that. Having your family wait for some illusory apology for something waaaay in the past - (sister/ Lawrence?) is really worthless. The ONLY question with which your family should be concerned is how Brad treats YOU and how the two of you are building a life together. The question at issue for them is how they want to accept you and Brad as a couple - on the merit of THAT relationship and not all this hogwash of the past.

Answer 4

Your parents want him to apologize for what???? That a bunch of you were too immature to handle your own problems with maturity. Friends don't demand others to pick sides and they'd also discourage anyone from trying. So sis is over Brad. Lucky you. You could have found someone not associated with her. Even then, you could also have grown some steel in your spine and not hide the relationship from your parents, who are, by the way, waaaaaaayyy too involved in your life to the point that they can dictate the terms for meeting him. The previous history is all in the past now. It's 2006. Assuming that someone grew up a little bit, either they meet him or not. If not, it's their loss. If yes, meet on neutral grounds, say at a restaurant. If all of this prove for naught with your parents, then stop trying to gain their approval. Sis is OK with him being there? Then ask if you're allowed to bring a date or not.If not, then either get over it or not. This is not the time to pick a major battlefield. Be cordial to all. Eventually, hopefully, everyone will grow up and come together. Or not. Good luck.

Answer 5

Tough situation.

Usually getting along with a person's parents is important in the big picture. I am sure Brad doesn't like looking like the bad guy here, and wants a relationship where you can all do things together. Maybe he forsees a lifetime of forced, awkward holidays and visits.

You don't mention what exactly it is your parents want an apology for, but here is my advice:

Tell your parents they need to back off some, and that you expect them to act with common courtesy to Brad. Tell them that you understand they love you and want the best for you, but all people make mistakes and they need to be more accepting. Tell them how things are now.

Ask Brad to have dinner with them to see if their relationship can be mended somewhat.

If Brad is unwilling to do this- he doesn't care enough about you to continue it.

Good luck.

Answer 6

After reviewing the situation, in all honesty, I do not feel that your boyfriend, Brad, owes an apology to your parents at all. Yes, Brad may have been a total jerk towards your sister in the past which, in turn, caused your parents to develop a keen dislike for him. Nevertheless, the situation that occurred between your sister and Brad is just that--something that occurred LONG AGO between the two of them. (In other words, and if anything, he owes an apology to your sister, not your "folks.") I do believe your parents and Brad should come together, but not to offer empty apologies or excuses for past behavior. Instead, they should come together with the common goals of 1) getting acquianted with one another, 2) learning to get along, and 3) leaving the past behind. My suggestion to you is that you talk to your parents and let them know how Brad is making an effort to show them what a good guy he is and that he is willing to bury the hatchet for the sake of your relationship. (You should also suggest for them to look at the man he is now as oppose to the man he was when he was dating your sis. Judging people based on past misdeeds is never right.) Find out if they are willing to accept him and what they are willing to do to make him feel welcomed. In talking with Brad--and after your convo with the parents--let him know how your family feels, as well as yourself, about the situation. Once everyone is "up to speed," get together and enjoy a nice dinner--friendly and apology-free. (In a nutshell, what you want to do is establish a STABLE relationship between your bf and your parents.)

Answer 7

My goodness! What is Brad apologizing for? His personality ("says mean things")? His timing? I think, and this is my strong opinion, that you and your sister owe Brad and your parents an apology. The biggest barriers to Brad and your parents getting along has been whatever you and your sister have confided in your parents.

Your parents love and you and Sissy and will "hate" anyone that has caused you pain. As adult women, it is okay (if you have the opportunity, recommended) that we share ourselves with our parents. But supplying them with TMI can cause exactly the scenario you have depicted.

How badly do you want this to work out? Then, swallow the pill (even though the WHOLE thing is NOT your fault) and apologize for your part in this and open the floor for healing. Offer your parents the opportunity to explore a "relationship" with Brad on their own terms so that they can get to know him for themselves.

Remember, you can't blame your parents or even Brad for the way they feel. Your parents are perfectly legitimate to feel that Brad is no good (based on what you and your sister have said and what they themselves have observed).

Brad is right, too. If he is family-oriented, he'll be looking to be the "gained son" not the "taker of the daughter". He'll want his children to have a relationship with both sets of grands, and he'll want to have his children see him respected in your parents home.

If it is important to you, make that step. Talk to Sissy. Ask her if she also explain to your parents that the things she's told them about Brad may have been exaggerated in the heat of hurt (what does she care anyway, she gettin' "hitched"). Even if you don't think you contributed and you don't think you should apologize, do it anyway. If nothing else, it'll make for an interesting "coming together" story.

Hope this helped.

Answer 8

Wow, thats a mouthful. Personally I dont feel Brad owes your parents an apology. He and your sister didnt work out and thats too bad but it happens. You feel caught in the middle and you should because I personally would NEVER date an ex of my friend or family...its taboo. I'm not saying you should breakup with him either but I understand his frustrations and not wanting to be bothered with your parents because of the way they have been treating him. I also feel your wrong in thinking that your LIVE-IN boyfriend shouldn't join in on family functions...thats absurd. If I was Brad I would be out of you and your families life..its too stressful of a situation and life is too short for all this drama. G' luck!

Answer 9

As it sounds like you and your parents are very close, and especially since it bothers him, it would be important to try to mend the rift that is between your parents and Brad if you want to remain in the relationship, but I am not sure what he is suppossed to be apologizing for. If he did not do something to your parents then I don't think that you should be asking him to if it had to do with your sister's relationship with him.

Your sister's relationship is a separate issue and unless he did something heinous to her, it is in the past; if he has always treated you well is what is important. If he has not always treated you well, he can tell them he is sorry he hurt you in the past and vow not to do it again, but he needs to apologize to you, not them.

It is great if your parents approve of someone you are with, but it is not a requirement that they like him or he like them; merely that they have a mutual respect for each other.

If this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with, which you say that you he is, you are the one that is going to need to make a decision to draw the line in the sand; do you want to stick by and stick up for your man?

The situation with your sister's wedding is sticky; it is her day and if she is dead set against him being there you have to respect her wishes, but if you are committed to him and really is all that important to him to be included, then you may have to tell Sis you understand and respect how she feels, but you are going to be able to attend her wedding and then make special plans with him that weekend instead. If you truly want to spend the rest of your life with him, you need to put him first as he will now be your family. If he is ready for that type of commitment and you are not, then you need to let him go.

Answer 10

So sit him down and try this....Tell him you love him and want to be his wife. Ask him if he loves you enough to commit to you, or if he just wants out. The parents being upset was in defense of their girls and is legitamate. But its the past now and if they have offered to try, he should too.
And by the way...he doesn't need to apologize unless he physically or verbally did anything to them. You also need to sit down with your parents and tell them that yes, there is alot of history with this guy. But its with you, him, and your sister. He didn't do anything to them and they need to just bury the hatchet. (And don't ever tell them anymore dating stuff! Its not their place and you see how bad is can villanize the guy!!) That you want a clean start and hope he might one day ask for your hand. You love him and don't want him chased off because they disapprove. And he'd leave because they disapprove! So he must respect you and them (i hope, and its not just tired of the drama) if he'd break up just to stop all the bad feelings. So they can like him or not, but he is who you picked.
Then again talk to him and tell him what was said. Or take him with you and say it in front of him if you want. It took my Mom YEARS to like my husband/ boyfriend. She thought he wasn't good enough for me. But WHO CARES if I know he is. Tell him you are behind him 100%, IF he sees this leading to marriage. If not, maybe you should both just split now, so you can both move on. But if you both see a future together, he's worth fighting for. I never let my parents come inbewteen me and my guy and we've been together 10 years now and married 8.