We are dating each other and like each other, but she usually dates bad boys that use her. Whenever I tell her how I feel about her or look at her with admiration she gets weirded out and says hurtfull things to push me away. She says she has intamacy issues (which she has been working on with her therapist), and is not used to dating guys that like her. How can I be myself and express my feelings without causing distance between us? I want our relationship to grow, but it can't if I have to hold my true feelings inside for fear of loosing her.
2006-06-20 04:09:17 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous in Social Science ➔ Psychology
It will take a lot of patience. If you can hang in there, it will be worth it. Even if things don't work out 100% (this is life, not tv) you will know and she will know that you cared enough to try hard.
She has self esteem problems. Many women - and men- do. They don't think that they are worth much.
They have a negative picture of themselves. It is probably not realistic, but it is the picture that they have, and live with, and base their expectations on.
So if you tell them that they are nice, pretty, smart,
a good person, etc., this clashes with their self image. This causes a lot of tension in them.
They have spent time and energy learning to live with their poor self image. If they are even wrong about that, then they really are losers, in their view.
So it's easier to deny the truth of what you say than to begin all over again from zero by admitting that they can't even evaluate themselves right.
This can be reinforced by their family, who may say negative things, and in many cases is just fine with things the way they are, and resists change.
Don't agree with the negativity for any reason. Stay positive but understanding (why she is negative.)
See Dr. Nathaniel Brandon "The Six Pillars of Self Esteem." An excellent book.
Communication in this person's family is often messed up, so they communicate poorly.
See Dr. Eric Berne's "The Games People Play."
This book can be understood by mear humans. It's actually enjoyable. And very helpful.
Poor self esteem is almost always accompanied by depression, which makes a person difficult to relate to, and makes it impossible to enjoy things.
http://www.dbsalliance.org also WebMD
will help you with information and meetings you and she can attend.
She will need a lot of counseling, which you said that she is already getting.
Going to church together would help.
Mainly: be there all the time, and listen. Listen actively. Nudge slightly, don't push.
I have fought these same problems. If I help you, it helps me.
There is a lot more help out there. This is a starter kit. I know that you are highly motivated.
Write me anytime, for any reason. Ask more questions if you want.
I don't want to swamp you with facts. I hope I haven't already.
My best to you!
2006-06-20 05:11:17 · answer #1 · answered by helixburger 6 · 6⤊ 1⤋
It sounds like, at least for now, you are more of a friend and security blanket for her and not a boyfriend in the conventional sense. She needs to work through her issues without unnecessary pressure. If you cannot handle this then you are the one who needs to move on. The best thing for you to do is to busy yourself with your own life and revisit the relationship after some time apart. I'm sure she'll let you know if and when she's interested in pursuing a relationship with you that is beyond the platonic stage. If she does not indicate to you that she wants you in her life in a romantic way then the best thing to do is to find someone who does. Be careful of holding on too tightly to wounded animals. Once they recover from their wounds they usually want their freedom.
2006-06-20 11:28:30 · answer #2 · answered by Twigless 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
To be honest it sounds as though the issue is not with intimacy but with the expression of her feelings she is not use to being treated with respect and she pushes you away well you have to let her know that she can not keep treating you like dirt because you will not stand for it and you will leave her you may not want to say it but as it stands the overall will be an end result with either you meeting anothre young woman who will appriciate you or she will see that if she is destructive she will be loosing a good thing but know that if you choose to be less then honest with her and you let her treat you as a doormat she will not stop the behaviour as it is a form of dominance which is why she was attracted to bad boys becuse they have a need to control and she likes being dominated but she wants to be dominated but in a respectful manner. Your choice will be your own on how to proceed but I hope that you see that the behaviour willnot change unless you put a stop to it one way or another.
2006-06-20 11:28:10 · answer #3 · answered by psychologist is in 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like she does have real issues. Maybe you could see her therapist also and tell him how you feel about her and he could work with you to know how to respond to her. I have been raped and mistreated by man men. My fiance has to deal with the fact that I am guarded because I do not want to go through that again. He has been very understanding but I know at times it must be very frustrating. You should not have to change for her but you can not expect her to just get over what ever happened to her. The therapist may be the only hope. Here is a little suggestion too. Find her "love language" and talk to her that way. Everyone expresses love differently. We tend to show others in the way we want to be shown. If you are not alike in this you showing it your way is not getting through to her. I like to have someone do things for me - acts of service - help around the house, cook, offer to watch the kids while I go shopping alone , and so on. I also like words of affirmation - praise that I am doing a good job. Physical touch in not important to me. My fiance wants to be touched - hold hands and kiss alot. I have to learn to show my love to him in his way and him to me in my way. Good luck.
2006-06-20 11:18:52 · answer #4 · answered by Toni 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, her past relationships are not exactly perfect , and so she probably lost trust in all guyz out there..
She probably feels thats u'll line up with the other loosers she used to date , and her rejection is just fear from another heart break...
My advice to u is , if u do like her and dont intend to hurt her , be patient..dont rush your feelings, so as not to freak her out..untill she regains faith in you and other guyz...it may take time , but u try to prove it to her ..Love is not all about saying 'I love u' ...actions towards the one u love have greater effect
Good Luck ;)
2006-06-20 11:19:36 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
There's an excellent book out called "Love Languages". It says there are 5 basic love languages, & every person in the world speaks one of the five. The key to successful relationships is to not only discover your mate's love language, but then learn how to speak it.
They are: physical touch, giving of gifts, words of affirmation, quality time & acts of service.
I've definitely noticed an improvement in my relationships since reading it.
It sounds like you may be using words of affirmation. She may speak something else.
Good luck.
2006-06-20 11:14:55 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
My brother a game of love is like a chess game.No!Maybe not.Just be the bad guy or move on.
2006-06-20 11:16:02 · answer #7 · answered by bonephantasma 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i know a friend just like your girle and if u realy love her u have to help her and make her feel that there will be no one that will love her like u do,if that did'nt work try to be a bad boy but do'nt use her!!!!!!
hope u luck...
2006-06-20 14:35:45 · answer #8 · answered by huda o 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know it can be hard but help her work through her problems. be understanding and talk to her therapist and see what you can do for her.
2006-06-20 11:15:30 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
in my case. afraid of being hurt. self protection. trying to act like she doesn't have those feelings so if you leave it wont hurt as bad. its hard. believe me. just reassure her a lot, that helps me!
2006-06-20 11:56:43 · answer #10 · answered by heavensangel_0130 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋