My wife is almost 21, I am 26. She is still a bit immature and has lately become really obsessive. I can't walk out of a room without her asking "Where are you going?". If I'm gone more than a few minutes away from the house, she is calling me on my cell phone "When are you going to be back?". Its as if she can't stand not having me there more than an hour or so at a time. I can honestly understand why she is like this and it makes me feel like a bad husband because I don't feel the same way. Sometimes I just cut my phone off and park somewhere and listen to the radio just for the chance to think. We come from completely different types of families. Hers is very social and religious, mine was, well... I was not very social growing up. What do I do? How do I convey the message "I want some freedom" without hurting her feelings? I dont mean just a couple hours, I means a few days, amybe a week. ITS DRIVING ME INSANE!!!
2006-06-20 02:56:55 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous in Social Science ➔ Psychology
Whay should I say. I mean, if you've been here, you know how she'll react. We already take turns watching the baby while the other goes out, but thats just not enough time and space. How do I say it?
2006-06-20 03:05:11 · update #1
I can understand your dilemma; however, try to see things from her perspective - she might be completely overwhelmed with her responsibilities. I'm assuming that you work and she takes care of your son at home (just b/c he is so young, not b/c all women should be house wives...) She's at home 24/7, most likely without much adult contact - she's taking care of her young son and has another one on the way - hormones are probably going crazy and she might just want some adult contact and Probably some moral and loving support from her husband. You are married to her - like it or not - for better or for worse, so you shouldn't be "needing freedom" for more than a couple hours a day - don't leave her for days or a week - that's when trouble starts brewing. Also, have you given some thought to the fact that perhaps SHE might need some freedom - why don't you offer to watch your son for a day and let her go out with her girl friends or send her to a spa for some much needed pre-baby relaxation.
2006-06-20 03:06:11 · answer #1 · answered by lhsstudentteacher 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like the two of you have a little too much on your plate a little too soon. She probably wants you there all of the time so that you can help so she can have a break as well. A few days away is probably not the answer though. Why don't you try talking to her about this? Maybe say something like " I know it gets tough being here in the house with me and the baby constantly, I'll watch the baby for a few hours oh so and you can go spend some time with your friends or what ever" And then maybe she wont have such a hard time returning the favor. Just tell her that you understand that it gets tough for her because it gets tough for you as well. make sure you reassure her that it's not a bad thing needing to get away. The two of you have a whole lot on your plates right now, especially with her being so young. I think though that if you tell her you need to get a way for a few days maybe even a week that it will make things worse. Just make sure that you are willing to do for her what you want her to do for you (free time) and vise versa. It's gonna be tough for a little while. I wish you both the best of luck.
2006-06-20 03:09:17 · answer #2 · answered by kmb0506 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It seems like you guys got in a little deep too quickly. She's only 21 and she's going to have two babies under 2! That's a lot to deal with when you are prepared for it and a bit older. She might just really need a break herself. If she gets a chance to take some time away for herself she might be a little more relaxed and less worried about you leaving for a little while. I hope that you are helping out with your 7 month old. If you aren't then you need to step up. Let her take a day out with a friend, or family member to do something without the baby and without you calling her for help with the baby. Let her do that and then a couple weeks later you get to do the same thing. Swap every couple weeks so that you both get a break. You're going to have to tell her in a nice way that you need a break. There's nothing wrong with that, but make sure you take time with them as well. Your wife needs some time with you alone too. Get a baby sitter and take her out. You've both got family, so take advantage. Good Luck!
2006-06-20 03:05:05 · answer #3 · answered by photomom 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
(1) Dear friend, I read all the things what you wrote and I feel that you are in a real dilemma.
(2) I would like to help you to solve this problem well. Therefore, read the things what I mention bellow.
(3) There is a physiological problem when a woman is been a pregnant in time.As a result of that, she often begs the protection and mercy of her husband. Sometime It may be disturbed adversely to her husband's freedom also.
(4) On the other hand, this situation is not solely happen on her consent. Therefore you should also be taken the half of responsible it.So now you must have to build up a good confident to face this challenge well and must gain a calm mind also.
(5) Actually , if a man wants to be a great husband , it will be the right time that a woman often expects a sincerely love than the sex when she is being pregnant. .
2006-06-20 03:53:56 · answer #4 · answered by Wijekumara 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My wife is an introvert, I'm an extrovert. We were exact opposites on the Meyers-Briggs personality inventory.
She told me while we were doing marriage prep that it was important to her to have "her time", and I've found it's important for me to have "my time". But if you've not done this, then at this point she'll have to understand the idea and that will take some energy. Like you said, she's younger and has some maturing to do. This may mean a counselor - my wife and I have a good marriage but still go from time to time just as a 'tune-up' to help us communicate things that we may have had trouble communicating.
Taking a few days off while you have a young child at home and another on the way may not be feasible at this point. Ask her if she'd be alright for a weekend while you go camping with a buddy. Otherwise, get into the habit of spending an hour to yourself jogging, walking, working out, or just doing something to get away.
Like I said, it may be very helpful to talk with a counselor so that she understands (as you do clearly) that a marriage doesn't mean spending every waking moment together.
My wife looks forward to my Tuesday night Bible studies, because it means she has an evening to herself.
2006-06-20 03:39:08 · answer #5 · answered by Veritatum17 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Especially with young children, a marriage can get lost or put on the back burner and almost be forgotten. You are young, and so is your wife, but youth is not a bad thing when raising a family.
Please remember that she is feeling just as trapped as you are. It's a difficult situation. You need time for you and for the both of you. At seven months, you should be able to get a grandmother to watch the child for at least a couple of hours, unless your wife is breast feeding, but still things can be arranged.
Right now you feel you need to be alone away from your wife and all the problems, but really you need to be alone with your wife. If you start out on your own, it will probably be the beginning of the end. Once you start running away from the chaos and confusion, you'll start wanting not to go back.
Get some help from relatives, church groups, or whatever it takes. If you don't work this out together soon, there won't be anything left to work out.
2006-06-20 03:23:21 · answer #6 · answered by Carlton73 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You already know what your problem is. As you say, you and your wife come from completely different backgrounds, something that eventually creates conflict in a marriage. What seems normal and logical to one might feel completely wrong to the other. Our expectations are influenced by the way we were raised. This is not about who is right and who is wrong.
Talk to your wife, tell her how you feel, and suggest that you two go to therapy. As new parents, you are both in a transitional period of your life. The responsibilities can feel overwhelming, especially when it comes to money, and the lack of personal time to relax and wind down from a hectic daily schedule.
Express your love for her and your desire to protect your little family and keep it strong for years to come. Remember, hormones and childbirth do affect some women more than others.
Remember the things that attracted you to her in the first place and the reasons you love her. Is that worth saving to you? I believe so. Therefore, do not give up. Get help - urgently!
The more things fester, the worse things get. Find a way to communicate. Fight for your family, not with it!
I wish you peace.
Resources for dealing with family problems:
www.wholefamily.com
www.family.org
www.askdrgayle.com
2006-06-20 03:17:09 · answer #7 · answered by Tropical_Woman 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You married a very young woman and she is behaving like one. She is probably insecure and overwhelmed by the demands of motherhood. If you are going to make this marriage work, it will take a lot of communication. You are not unreasonable for needing some time and space for yourself (she needs this too). Now, before things get too bad, you need to get into some marriage counseling to talk about how to make your relationship work better for both of you. She needs to be able to let you go without fearing you won't come back. You need to learn how to figure out what she really needs from you so you can give it to her. An impartial third-party can help make the communication process easier and can help each of you see where you are being unreasonable. There are two sides to every problem relationship, so undoubtedly you are also driving her insane on some level. For the sake of your kid and your kid-to-be, you need to work this out so you can keep this marriage on solid ground.
2006-06-20 03:08:49 · answer #8 · answered by just♪wondering 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I married at 19 and know what its like. She is very insecure right now. She just had a baby, her body has taken a beating because of it. She is stuck at home with kids while you are out. It will take time to build trust. Some things to do:
Take an interest in her. Be passionate and romantic. Innitiate sex often. No kidding.
Get baby sitters often and go out with her.
Find a hobby for yourself where you can be away and still be trusted. I took up martial arts.
Encourage and support her in a hobby of her own.
Be patient. As she sees you arn't going anywhere, she will relax.
Call her while you are out and tell her what you are up to.
Talk to her and tell her you love and adore her, that you aren't cheating on her, but you need some trust in the relationship. She needs to know how you feel.
Just some ideas from someone who married at 19 and is going on 25 years of marriage.
Oh yeah. Very important. No matter what...DONT CHEAT ON HER!!
Good luck!
2006-06-20 03:06:23 · answer #9 · answered by John M 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Perhaps it is a form of control. Your wife wants you around because she has no freedom herself, so why should you? Maybe offer to look after your baby for the whole weekend alone, and send her off to a spa so she can have some alone time. She might realize that she needs a break once in awhile and once she does, then she won't be controlling for your need of personal space either. See what I mean?
It always helps when you try to understand WHY their is controlling behaviour.
2006-06-20 03:32:25 · answer #10 · answered by applecheeks 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋