Did I screw up?

Question

Last night my husband and I got into an arguement. About two months ago he lost his job and has been looking for another one. Sort of. He has been taking his sweet time doing it. He only applies for things maybe once or twice a month. He got depressed because two places rejected him. I thought most people got rejected by tons of places before they found a job. He is looking for a job in computers but has very little practical experience. I approached him about this taking so much time. Even if he has to get a part time job just to get out of the house and help the income a little while he looks for a better one. I can't support us forever. The bills are already starting to pile. He's just been kinda goofing off. It was ok for a while. I did that a little when I was out of a job. But its old. When I talked to him about it he got all depressed and slept on the couch. This morning he wouldn't get out of bed. Did I really screw up? Should I just have let him do it his way?

Answer 1

No. He needs a really good kick in the butt. Is his Mom alive? Send her after him. It would be nice if we could all retreat to a happy place and wait for life to give us what we want, but most of us can't. He needs to help provide for his family.

Answer 2

Thats a hard question to answer. My husband and I are in the same boat, just different circumstances. I agree that they need a little push but its all in the right timing. You may have waited too long to say something and now you're just adding wood to the fire of his depression. Why don't you try talking to him in a less condescending way? Let him know that you are behind him and right beside him no matter what happens. And that when you made your vow to stick with him for better or worse, for richer or poorer you meant it. Show him you care for him and are worried about him and you want to see him do better. The best way to start the conversation is with an apology. Men have to have their ego or they have nothing at all. If you have confidence in him, then hes sure to have confidence in himself. Just be sure to show him that confidence. Always be uplifting and encouraging, never downing and discouraging. Always good comments and kind words. It will take some time, but you can rebuild his confidence better than anyone else.

Answer 3

Well my dear I think that you exaggerated a little bid. So, I mean: You are definitely right, but...I think he is already under a lot of pressure, so this would make him even more depressed. I know what it means being unemployed and pressed. He is feeling bad and responsible about the "bad" things that are happening to you both, so he absolutely needs you to support him morally.
You should give him strength to keep going on. Try to talk to him (not fight) and encourage him to look for a job. If you talk to him calmly and being supportive he will definitely listen to you.
Fighting is not worth it. So sort things out by talking and don't hate each other for nothing. These are problems you have to face together as a couple.
Good luck and best wishes

Answer 4

Talking to a man about his job and telling him basically that he isn't pulling his weight around the house is on the same wavelength as telling a wife that she looks fat and old.

We men take pride in being the provider and it sounds like he is very depressed. I wouldn't push it at this point. Two months is not so long. I wouldnt discuss it from a point of view like "look you need to get a job".

I would present the bills to him (after this situation cools down in a few days) and say "look im having a problem trying to pay these, we don't have enough money, do you want me to take it from our savings or do you want to borrow some from someone or something like that".

This does a few things for you. 1. it diffuses the problem and takes all the blame off of him and 2. it makes him think about the reality that has set in regarding your finances.

I know you really do think he's at fault. But in marriage sometimes its better to lose a fight and win in the relationship.

Good luck.

Answer 5

well well well...

I think you're right...

Look... when a man loses his job...it's a BIG DEAL. It's like losing his dick. (not kidding here)... SO much of what he thinks he is ... is tied to the notion that he should be the provider.

IT causes SERIOUS psychological trauma... when he lose it... and it's amplified by each rejection. (that's why he's not applying all that much)... and then after a while (and not too long a while) he starts to feel NON-EMPLOYABLE.

Been there.... Done that.

However... YOU'RE Correct... in that he needs to GET OVER IT.
TAKE ANY JOB... be a manager at McDonald's or a janitor... anything so you guys don't sink! If you think things are bad now, wait till financial problems are in the mix.

To help as best you can... ENCOURAGE HIM... don't "join the other side". Warn, constant support works a lot better.

Be gentile with him... he's really doing the best he can.

Answer 6

The two of you should look for a job for him, don't just leave it up to him. You have to apply to zillions of jobs because sometimes a job looks like a perfect fit but in actuality the job has been already given to a friend and they are just posting it so they don't get in trouble. Tell him not to take it personally when they don't hire him.. it is their loss. Don't use words like "rejected". In this society a man is defined by his job and how much money he makes not by how great of a person he is. Cut back on expenses (drop the cable) and make use of the family time you have together. Get him to exercise (even if it just going for a walk), get out and do cheap things like go to the park or lake.

Answer 7

Tell him to stop being such a baby. My girlfriend is not happy with me since I'm trying to get a 2nd job, but doing it very slowly lol. I know I should be putting more effort into it, but I don't. It's a guy thing to take our time and be lazy, that why you have to bug and bother your husband to find a job. Don't nag or get angry with him though, that'll make it a lot worse. Help him write his resume, or when you get time, both sit at the computer and look for stuff. Us guys need a coach and someone to take us along with the whole process, it's said to say this though lol.
Sounds like he's being pretty ridiculous about it. Help him out, and he should be able to find a job in no time.

Answer 8

If it was you would he let you do it your way? Your trying to be supportive and firm at the same time. I know that once you loose your job that vacation time of not working feels great. Some people get use to it a little to much. He has to remember he has you which is a big responsibility and he should get up everyday and look and apply everywhere. Without belittling himself of course. You are not in the wrong, don't ever think that.

Good Luck!!

Answer 9

Does he not realize the bills are piling up? Tell him directly and immediately that he needs to find a job - any job right now that will get some money coming in. If he continues taking his time, you may need to move on. There's nothing worse then a little boy who doesn't accept his responsibilities. All men need to work.

Answer 10

I don't believe you "Screwed up", I do believe that you may have been able to confront him a bit more... gently? Either way, the obvious solution is for your husband to seek job counseling, and you to be supportive and encouraging through it all. Computer Science is a growing field, and many jobs are available, however, there are certain areas of the job that aren't as abundant. Perhaps your husband needs to broaden his scope, see if there isn't anything else he enjoys? Still, be encouraging, and don't criticize him for lack of speed... gently remind him that bills are beginning to pile up. Make sure he's aware of the pressure on you, but don't throw it in his face screaming.

Answer 11

I don't really know how you can push... but it took me 7 months to find a new job (the market is TOUGH right now) and I was online applying to at least 5 jobs a DAY...

just like dating, rejection is part of the game and only one job gets to stick. he can't take it personally! he is competing with a ton of other applicants, and sometimes HR makes bad choices. He just has to stick in there. Job searching is a job in itself! but you have to play the odds, you have to apply to a ton of jobs just to get someone to look at you the right way, and eventually someone will give him a chance.