My husband committed adultery once 20 years ago, he only just told me now. He also confessed to kissing a girl once but realised he didn't want to go any further and stopped immediately this was 5 years after the first incident. I have asked my husband to move out, i am hurt and feel betrayed. Since he has been completely devoted to me and is a loving adoring husband. I don't know how to get through the hurt and forgive him.
2006-06-19 21:23:35 · 22 answers · asked by Kim 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Your feelings are natural - hurt and betrayed.
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: In an interview published in the November 1976 issue of Playboy magazine, then-Governor (Jimmy) Carter talked about the role of religion in his life. In one part he said:
" I try not to commit a deliberate sin. I recognize that I'm going to do it anyhow, because I'm human and I'm tempted. And Christ set some almost impossible standards for us. Christ said, 'I tell you that anyone who looks on a woman with lust has in his heart already committed adultery.'
"I've looked on a lot of women with lust. I've committed adultery in my heart many times. This is something that God recognizes I will do--and I have done it--and God forgives me for it."
So, you have three choices: dwell on the past, worry about the future, or live in "here and now" with a completely devoted, loving, adoring husband, who reached out and confessed a deep, dark secret. I wonder how he has struggled with this all these years.
To answer your question. You get through it by going through it - not going around the issue. Talk to eachother and listen to eachother. Find out "why?" - not why he did it - but why is he telling you now after all these years. Feeling Guilty? Has Cancer? Being Blackmailed? Join a new church? Went to an AA meeting? If you love other, you should both be greatful that you are still together, build on that love, and help and support eachother during this short time on earth. It will be over before you know it.
2006-06-19 21:53:06 · answer #1 · answered by sgissin 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He did that 20 yrs ago and now he is telling you wonder why now after 20 yrs hope he did not commit anything now so he will tell you these stuff 20 yrs from now! We all make mistakes in life and the best thing sometimes is to let go of the past and head towards the future...its too late to now. Asking him to move out etc is not going to solve anything for the past 20yrs he been there for you, loving and caring like you said... for one mistake are you gonna put down the drain the 20 yrs of your life that you spend with each other?
Just look at this way that he did something and he admitted it so forgive him for that. He is now loyal to you and he loves you. I know that this probably is hurting more than anything for what he did and its hard at this time to think clearly.... so try to calm yourself down first and thing for all the moments you spend together and if he is the person you want to grow old with or without? If i were you i would put all these things in a corner of my mind and lock it away.... and go on with life. I hope you do give him another chance, he does deserve that much!
2006-06-20 04:51:24 · answer #2 · answered by Pari 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well once in 20 years is actually pretty good however now that you know your trust for him will be broken for a long time if not forever. People make mistakes we are not perfect. he obviously loves you or he would not have stayed with you that long. I say forgive him and let God deal with him when the time comes because he will have to answer to him. You can forgive but you can't forget. You also might want to go to counseling. Good luck to you both. If you forgive you cant throw it back in his face though you must leave it alone. Or you can slap him up-side the head and tell him if he ever does it again that you will cut it off! (just kidding!) But I would make it very clear that if he ever does it again that there will be hell to pay. =}
2006-06-20 04:36:40 · answer #3 · answered by shadow 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well you have to if you were the one who cheated wouldnt you want him to forgive you. Forgive him. He is your husband and it was over 10 years ago.. does it really matter now? He obviously loves you and he is there for you now that doesnt excuse his behavior but you must forgive it is the only way to be happy with him. Just take away something he loves about you for a while until you feel like you want him to have it again since he betrayed you but dont leave pray for your marriage and ask God to help you deal with the pain thats why God is there he deals with the things that seem impossible to us and makes it possible. Wanna talk e-mail me jus_032000@yahoo.com
2006-06-20 04:28:51 · answer #4 · answered by Justin D 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well... to tell you the truth, i think u should forgive him... coz it definitely took a big courage to admit such thing... i guess he want you to know the truth because he love you and he doesnt wanna hide anything from you although it will hurt you... it's been a really long time anyway... he must have changed... that's why he's not afraid to tell u, coz he knows that he wouldnt do it again... If u feel like u can't go through with him, then don't... I dont believe in things such as 'time will heal' and bla bla bla... Lots of people gets hurt by love and they will never heal... but just live your life the way you want it and the way it makes u happy...
2006-06-20 04:41:00 · answer #5 · answered by soupp 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why the sudden confession? That would make me wonder? How did the subject come up? 20 years ago was a long time ago. I would make sure there are not anymore true confessions waiting to be confessed. Was it a stranger? Family/friend? Not that it matters but buy still why the sudden confession?
2006-06-20 04:45:13 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Um.This must be very painful for you.But maybe your husband
was confused at that time.Were you young at that time?I think
maybe he told you because the guilt of keeping a secret from
you has been eating at him for a real long time.And if he told
you it's good and bad at the same time.He told you but it hurts to know but he was honest and had to tell you the truth which is a
good thing.You should tell him you want to take some time to think.Separate yourself from him and give him the test.If he gets
upset and looks for you or cries for you to come back.Then go
back.I believe that if your partner cheats it is possible to work
things out but it takes very serious effort and a long time to learn
to put it behind you.
2006-06-20 04:35:18 · answer #7 · answered by jenn 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He didnt have to tell you. If he would not have been honest, then you would not have known. Think about it that way. He was honest. And as you said, "he has been completely devoted to me and is a loving adoring husband".
I don't know how you feel, but try to thinbk about the good things you have passed with him, and see what matters more. The betrayal or what could happen if you stay with him.
2006-06-20 04:31:49 · answer #8 · answered by eorox 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This will be very difficult for you, you need time away from hinm but not before you spend ages talking to him. If the pain is too fresh then cool down for a few weeks then sit and talk to him as to WHY he did that. Maybe that will help you get thru this.
Im sorry this has happened with you. I have an idea as to how you feel, my man of 8yrs cheated on me 2 DAYS after asking me to marry him....
2006-06-20 04:34:16 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Try to forgive him for the last time. But if he does the same thing again then you should not forgive him.If you do then you will be ur stupidity to do that.I am telling you to forgive him because you said he is loving adoring husband.
2006-06-20 04:39:59 · answer #10 · answered by jak4friends 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋