If you found out your boyfriend/girlfriend was not really the sex that they claimed to be and appeared to be-?

Question

how would you re-act?And this question is targeted to any and all regardless of your own sexuality.

Imagine dating a woman for several months and suddenly, regardless of how you found out, you discovered she was really a he.Or all of that is reverse.You were dating a man who you discover down the road is really a woman.

This has happened before to a guy who dated a guy he thought was a girl and to a girl who dated a girl she thought was a guy.And it probably happens more often then you might think.How would you re-act?

Man who identified as a woman that was murdered:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gwen_Araujo

Woman who identified as a man that was murdered:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brandon_Teena

Both dated someone of the same sex and their partners thought they were the opposite sex until they found out later.I have mixed feelings on this and would like to hear your thoughts....

Answer 1

Personally, I think violence towards anyone -- especially in situation like this -- is wrong.

I can understand people feeling betrayed, led on, taken advantage of. And guys insecure over their own sexual identity are prone to get violent -- they start wondering whether they're gay because they fell for a "guy" (who, for all intents and purposes, was not recognizeable as such), and to get control over their emotions, they lash out aggressively.

But it's just pathetic to abuse or hurt someone ... especially if you're aware of the emotional hurt transgender people go through in order to deal with who and what they are. The goal was never to mislead, it was usually to find a place to fit in; and for all intents and purposes, they were not pretending to be anything other than what they already see themselves as.

Since romance is invariably tied up in sex, it's kind of hard to ignore the anatomical differences even with someone you care about. I can see many relationships breaking up at the relevation, at least unless some sort of physical transition has been made. And maybe not even then.

Still, there are cases like Calpernia Adams, who was in love with a fellow in the army (Barry Winchell? Can't remember...) who knew about her being a transsexual and did not care because he viewed Calpernia as a woman.

The story had a sad ending: Barry got beaten to death while he slept by some homophobe fellow soldier who knew about Calpernia's past and who had been bested by Barry in a fight earlier over it.

Losing to a "gay" guy made this putz flip out, since he felt like it made HIM look "gay," so he murdered Barry pure and simple.

Pathetic. Just as pathetic as the guy on death row (and his friend) who raped and murdered Brandon Teena when they found out he was a girl.

Insecure people do thoughtless and heinous things sometimes.

Answer 2

Well, deception is wrong. HOWEVER...Before you as how you would feel if they decieved you, ask how you would fel if you met someone, wnet out on a date with them, and they were up front with you on the first date "look I am biologically male/female, but I have had srugery, hormone therapy etc etc." Would there be a second date? And be honest. My hyothesis is that men would have more trouble with it than women, but I think that there would not be as much of a difference between the number of people who said they would be freaked out and/or hurt from the deception, as number of people who would not call that person for a second date even if the individual was honest upfront.

Seriously, when is the appropriate time to tell someone you were/ are biologically another gender?

Additionally, Gender Identity confusion is not just a mental thing... 1 out of every 2000 people are born with ambiguous genitalia
( I learned that in Gen Psyche 2). At birth the doctors alter the genitalia either by asking parents or by what predominant sex organs and other biological parts the person has. Often they make mistakes. There is in fact a debate on whether or not to even make that decision at birth or to let the person grow up and make their own decision when they can decide on their own. Obviously this is not just a mental thing, physically their body SHOULD have been the opposite gender than what they are. Imagine feeling EXACTLY the way you feel right now (sexual atrraction and personal identity) but with the opposite gender organs and genitalia. Quite a difficult situation don't you think?

Much of Gender Identity is learned, you can get this out of any psych book. Society teaches people what is appropriate male and female behavior. The Tchambuli people of New Guinea are a nearly perfect reversal of North American stereotypes. Women do the fishing and manufacturing and control the power and economic life. They take the initiative in courting and sexual relations. men are expected to be dependant, flirtatious and concerned with their appearance. Art, games and the theater are their primary social activities and they are fond of adorning themselves with flowers and jewelry. So gender roles are not bilogically prescribed, but socially prescribed and learned.

Answer 3

I'm a lesbian and I am SO intimate with my wife that I KNOW she's not a male!!! (yay!) If I discovered my woman was really a man, I would feel deceived and leave that person. You cannot build a good relationship on a lie. And a lie THAT big is too much to ask a lot of people to get past. I wouldn't want to stay with that person because it would also change my self-identity and THAT'S too much. BUT if my wife USED TO be a male at birth but became a female through surgery, I would consider her to be a female and it wouldn't be a big issue.

Answer 4

First of all, everybody SHOULD be truthful with each other in their sexuality. A man dressed and acts as a woman should say hey look I'm a man, I just like being dressed like a woman, because I feel better in womens clothing. Same goes to a woman acting like a man. I feel if you want to be the opposit of what you are, have a damn sex change. Or simply have your sex organs removed then you can be called "IT". Call it hate, sure but we can also say, we were mislead thinking this person was something they were not.I do not have pity on people who were killed because of these HATE CRIMES against homosexuals..I do have the pity for people of all races( color) who by chance were killed due to them being killed by the KKK or others like them. But please give me a break over gay people. They should not have any other rights than any non gay person.I dont want to be in the presence of gay people doing any type of sexual acts. I dont care to know about it either.People just should be HONEST when they are seeking a relationship with anybody.( thats all I can say, call me what you like , I DONT care)

Answer 5

Did anyone see the movie on lifetime last night??? I don't remember the name, but I think it was something like A Girl Like Me....If not that one...what about Boys Don't Cry?? Now..I'm a lesbian...Have been ALL my life...I'm a feminine lesbian also... I like women while maintaining my born identity...You don't have to dress or act like a dude to be with another female...and for the gay guys, you don't have to dress and flaunt like a woman to get with another male...Gay is gay...meaning you are attracted to the SAME sex, so why would you want to be with one of the same sex who acts like the opposite sex?? Doesn't make sense...HOWEVER...I'm also an Honors Psychology Student and I put major emphasis on the study of Abnormal Behavior...Trangendered people are not bad...it's not wrong and they can't help it...It is very possible to feel like you're born the wrong sex... It's called Gender Identity Disorder...Sort of like a mental illness, just like paranoia or being bi polar...Due to a chemical imbalance in the brain...These people look in the mirror and see what's in front of them, but on the inside they just feel the complete opposite...You think it's fun for them to be this way?? No, they really can't help it...Just like the guy in the movie on lifetime and Teena Brandon in Boys Don't Cry...Both true stories...Look at how their lives ended...Do you think they would have chosen to live that way, knowing that when they got found out their lives would come to an end?? I know I'm rambling, but I just have a point to prove. In the gay life nowadays, you have the ones who dress and act like the opposite sex for the fun of it, and then you have the ones who really can't help it... However, I feel that when these transgenderes people engage in relationships, they should give their partner the option of dating the same sex...Be honest from jump and there would be no problems. I know it's easier said than done, but it beats the heck out of death through a hate crime...

Answer 6

love is hard enough to find in this world with out putting qualifiers on things! Gender is the first thing we want to know about someone. If you meet someone who you can'ts identify as either male or female, you don't know how to react to them. (think pat on SNL) I say get over the gender thing. The whole male -female thing was developed in nature to help populate the species. we are already over populated so there should be a blurring of the gender relationship lines. Love when and who you choose. I would be more concerned about the trans in question! trust is so much more important than gender.

Answer 7

Well, me personally... I don't know. Me being gay, if I found out that the man I was trying to date was a woman. I'd be hella confused on that. Though, I am not attracted to women at all. So I suppose as long as she kept the male persona up... I'd do fine? Hmm... I think I saw this on an episode of Jerry Springer...

Answer 8

It would just depend. I'm a pretty shallow person. But, if they were like my dream come true mate, then I wouldn't care what sex they are. Although, that doesn't mean I'll necessarily have much of a sexual relation with them. Unless they kept the deception up well then after.. I may be too turned off..

Answer 9

I would be upset that they didn't tell me sooner but I am a understanding and caring person so once I cool down I would look at all the confusion and pressure my ex is under we would probably wind up just being friends.

Everyone should be on the path of finding themselve, regardless of what they are.

Answer 10

basically if these two victims were the right sex, they would live happily ever after. I do not believe the deception were intention. It's a by product of society who rigidly define men and women. Neither party can deal with anything in between.