i know my puncuation and crap might not be right, but read what its trying to say.
with one hand in yours and the other tracing the surface of that of a dream, i consider it real when lips kiss back this time and breath is new on my face. driven closer to my body, my hands shudder (not used to holding angels) but im learning with each of your heart on my chest. i can hear the melody as im cast away in your eyes ballet. sing me to sleep and hold me there.
2006-06-19 17:42:47 · 13 answers · asked by playaninstrument 3 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Polls & Surveys
oh yeah, IM SINGLE BY THE WAY.....
2006-06-19 17:48:38 · update #1
Just off the top of my head, I didn't put a lot of thought into it, but, try it this way:
With one hand in yours, and the other tracing the surface of a dream,
I consider it real when lips kiss back this time, and breath is new on my face.
Driven closer to my body, my hands shudder (not used to holding angels) but I'm learning with each beat of your heart on my chest.
I can hear the melody as I'm cast away in your eyes' sweet song.
Sing me to sleep and hold me there.
"Each of your heart" didn't make much sense... I added, "beat."
"of that of a dream?" "of a dream" works just as well.
Ballet is a dance, primarily, melody matches with song better.
Next one (made a few more bold changes to this one):
This takes me further than what I wanted.
But who complains when her world is floating around your eyes?
And I'm too nervous to open them because nothing so tremendously gorgeous has been presented to the poor things.
No sunsets, skylines, not even a million shooting stars parading across a black sky compares to the two diamonds that could buy another planet... yet I wouldn't trade for the love of anyone else.
But, if somehow I don't receive this love, I'd just die there slowly... gladly... if she'd just watch me.
2006-06-19 18:06:58 · answer #1 · answered by 42ITUS™ 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
5
2006-06-20 00:45:34 · answer #2 · answered by Erik 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
6
2006-06-20 00:47:01 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
8
2006-06-20 08:51:49 · answer #4 · answered by doglady 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like this one better than the first, but I gave the other a 10 so I'd say this one is a 13, nice job, again!
2006-06-20 00:46:17 · answer #5 · answered by mo-z 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you are writing this for someone you truley love spelling and grammer should not matter; as long as it comes from the hear! :)
2006-06-20 00:47:44 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
really really good i'll give you 9 and a 3/4 th
2006-06-20 01:07:05 · answer #7 · answered by Lira 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your good, I'll give this one an 8.
2006-06-20 00:47:18 · answer #8 · answered by Still a Sexy Momma 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow! I thought the first one was great... this is crazy good! Rock on! ... or write on, rather
2006-06-20 01:32:41 · answer #9 · answered by crazyrandom 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
firstly, you're avatar is adorable. secondly, i'm a writer/poet myself, and thirdly, i give it at least an 8.5. very nice.
2006-06-20 01:03:06 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋