how can i start or what is the best way to help myself and my kids emotionally and economically go through i?

Question

i have been married to him for 25years.i sometimes knew i should leave but the minute idecide to go through i get this sick feeling in my stomach and and become very scared .i do not like myself for what i have become and i know it is because of being with someone that liks control and abuse you. my dad did cheat and i always asked my mom why she didnt leave now i understand it is easy to say it than do it i have more open doors and oppourtiunity.i know this time is for real and i have to leave him because i would hate myself more to stay with sombody who caals his actions love. i have been through thaugh and lonly times that i can not take it any more eventhough i have 2 kids 19&II years.i stayed for their sake more than i ever imagined to stay with him he has 2 diffrent personality when he is bad he is heartless it is like he is not the same person 10 min ago it makes me very sad that he is diffrent from what ibelievedor better i made myself believe because i was and am depended on

Answer 1

I cannot begin to understand what you have had to put up with of the past 25 years.

However there are people who do.

Check out the following website, hopefully they can help.

Answer 2

Never stay for the kids. I did that and it was horrible for the kids. I will regret it the rest of my life. You need to be strong. Not just for yourself but also for the kids and the future.
I walked away from a very rich lifestyle. I can honestly say that I am happier now than I have ever been. Instead of living in the richest neighborhood in town to an apartment. I might be poor, but I have what I need in life. And getting away from a horrible marriage was the best thing I ever
did in life. I should of done it years ago. Be strong.
It sounds like he is Manic Depessive. Does he have a doctor that deals with his emotional issues?

It won't be easy.......be strong. Move on., Make wiser choices in the future.

Answer 3

I can relate to what you are going through, I have been there. It takes a while for reality to step in, you realize you cannot go through the hurt and pain. The feeling of worthlessness. But, you can do it, all you have to do Is realize that life is short, to short for the hurt and pain that you go through. You need to know that your life is worth something, you are special and a beautiful person, not until you realize that on your own you would never be free of all the pain, embarrassment and hostility you go through. The kids do survive, maybe they would be a little shaken up for a while. If you talk to them, and console them, let them know that mom and dad cannot make it together, but that does not mean that you all love them any less. Never ever make the mistake and talk ill of their father in their presence. Let them realize that life is full of dissapointments, and there would be times that you or even them would not always get what they want in life. Staying for the kids sake only makes them unhappy, because if you are unhappy they would be too. You cannot change someone who insist that nothing is wrong with them. Even if you think or maybe you are dependent on him, you can make it . Doors are always open, you may have support, Family and friends take the opportunity. Take that step to find yourself, be happy with who you are, be independent and have pride in who you are. Your dignity is what matters now, you gave it all to him and he took it away. Never, ever think that you would be alone, no self pity only you can do it. No one can do it for you. You would think that maybe you cannot make it without him, trust me you can!! Take that step before it's to late, love who you are, stop having someone control, and put you down. You are what you make of yourself, so make it big, see the pleasures that life has to offer. Love yourself woman!!only you can do it...

Answer 4

I had a similar dilemma, I stayed for 22 years and when I left, my kids asked me why it took me so long, my son was 16 and my daughter 14.
Best thing I ever did, caused me a lot of financial difficulties, but I got the strength from somewhere. My kids are now 23 and 21 and much better off with one parent who is always there for them.
Only you can make the best decision for you and your kids.
Best of luck.

Answer 5

I will ditto the relationship to what mine "was" I got the strength and and though scared to death I made the decision to leave it was hard at first though I made it and it's made me a stronger and better person. The kids are doing great and I'm now engaged to a man that deserves me and i do him! We need to find the strength inside and just have to do it ......I was married for 9 years and 2 kids. There is a better life out there but you will never see it unless you reach for it!

Answer 6

Leave him before it is too late to benefit from leaving. Leaving while you are still young gives you more chances of having peace and finding love again. Staying on with him will slowly kill your spirit and self-esteem. By the time you reach your 70s or 80s you are no longer you, you are just a shell of emptiness, having experienced no happiness in your life. If you have no happiness, how can you bring or give happiness to your children and grandchildren? By the time it's almost the twilight of your life, you are so used to this kind of lifestyle you can't imagine any kind of alternative lifestyle and fear any kind of change. You will be trapped by your own fear of change. Ultimately you might even have to care for him if he is struck down by a debilitating illness and you will be his servant. How ironical. How lucky of him to have someone to take care of him in spite of his cruelty and lack of love towards them. Be farsighted, imagine how bleak your future will be with him. His meanness should not be rewarded.

Answer 7

Wow! That truly was the story of my mother´s life. She and my father were married for 13 years. He was the provider and she stayed at home (her made her quit her job). Having said that, he became more and more controlling with money and with her. I have 2 younger siblings and we would rarely go out as a family. My father is an alcoholic and very abusive (which I later understood since his father was abusive towards his mother).

My mother thought about leaving him for such a long time, but never got the courage because she was thinking about us. Then, I realized it was even worse that she didn´t leave him before because after that I´d have a bad concept of men - I basically thought all men were scum, which is not true.

To make a long story short, my mother decided to leave my father, hired a lawyer, and we moved to my grandparents house and lived with them til my mom got a job. It´s been 15 years since they divorced and, believe, it´s been the best decision of her life. It´s a tough decision and you´ll encounter many difficult moments, but it´ll pass. We don´t have a relationship with our father because he didn´t provide for us, but we had an amazing mother and wonderful grandparents (her parents) who were like our own and loved us with all their hearts.

Now, I´m proud to say my siblings and I are all grown up, mature, professionals, and thank my mother for the best decision, not only of her life, but of ours as well. Good luck and hope this encourages you to keep your spirits up for your sake and for your children´s sake.

Answer 8

Life is short.........leave and be happy. Stop wallowing in self pity. Take control of you own life and destiny! Staying for the children is dumb...what did it teach you? nothing......show the children that it's not okay for a person to treat another like that, teach the children about boundaries, teach the children about inner strength.....find your higher power and dump his abusive butt! I hope you find the strength to leave and build a happier life for yourself...it's never too late!

Answer 9

First get counselling for what happened when you was a kid, clearly your mum and dads realtionship left you scared. Once getting counselling you can explain to the consellor your present realtionship problems that makes you feel with no self-esteem and un-optimistic. Conselling is good, it will help you dig deep with your problems, present and past and help turn your life around.
Good luck.

Answer 10

the fact that you need to ask advise tells me your making a positive step towards change.otherwise you would just plod on and suffer in silence. Life is to short. If someone makes you feel so unhappy.. they are not worth it. Everyone deserves to be happy. 'The only way is up as they say'! Just keep it in your head... Your better than he is and he doesn't make you happy so go find someone who does!!!! good luck!