Am I A Bad Mom???

Question

My husband and I are seperated...we have two children together a 2 1/2 year old and a 2 month old, both boys. My husband lives with his girlfriend and the boys live with me. He sees the kids about twice a week, sometimes more, sometimes less. Anyway my question is: Am I a bad mom for asking my husband to take the boys for a while?? Because I need to get things in my life straightened out. I need to find a job, get my house picked up because it's a mess...and just get my life straightened out alltogether. My head is going a million different directions and I don't know what's up or down anymore. I just need sometime to get my life straightened out so I can concentrate on taking care of my boys. Am I being selfish?? I just need a break and I need some time alone to get things done and to think. I've just been under so much stress and I've snapped at my oldest son a few times and I know it wasn't right of me. I just need to get a lot of things straight in my life. Is this wrong?

I have "friends" and family saying that it's wrong of me to want time away from my kids to get my life straightened out...I just wanted other peoples opinions as to if they think it's wrong of me. I want to be the best mom I can be for my two handsome boys. I want to be able to be there for them when they need me....not having my mind on other stuff that's taking away from the quality of my mothering. I just can't be the mother they need right now until I get things straight. I am still going to visit the boys and do things with them but they'll be in their dads care most of the time. What does everyone think?? And please be honest...and no smart @$$ answers either please.

My husband is a great dad and I know the boys will be well taken care of. So that's not a concern at all for me. His girlfriend loves the boys as well and no harm will come to them while they are staying with their dad

Answer 1

NO. Not at all. I wish I'd had that option. My girls were about the same age when my ex and I split. I'd been a stay at home mom and the tech industry had few jobs so I wasn't marketable in my old field. I wanted to go back to school and finish my degree - something hard to do with little babies.

But my ex was an *** and his 2nd wife would have forced him to sue me for custody and I might not have gotten them back. Too bad we couldn't have cooperated. He can now say he wishes he'd been more agreeable and helped me out that way.

NO you are not a bad mom because right now you are falling apart from the stress of a toddler, a new baby, new mom hormones and a pending divorce. Wanting to pull yourself together so you CAN be the kind of mom you want to be is a very courageous thing to do and is NOT wrong for your kids.

It sounds like you would benefit from a therapist. If you have medical insurance, it should be fairly cheap. If not, there usually are organizations that can provide licensed therapists on a sliding scale. I know that Jewish Family services does this and you can see someone as cheap as $5 a session depending on your income. (it isn't religious based counseling..its the same stuff you'd get anywhere, therapists are truly licensed and you don't have to be Jewish).

Family Services that aren't run by religious organizations are also out there.

Perhaps you two can work out a 50/50 agreement. One week with you, one week with him. If you did this, would he have somone for daycare so he can work?

Quite frankly you don't sound selfish but you sound both overwhelmed (2 little ones is hard) AND maybe depressed. Do find a therapist.

You might also consider sharing a house with another mom, maybe with slightly older kids and sharing the responsibilities.

Ask him to take them for 2 weeks for now (don't make any permanent arrangements just yet). You do need a rest. A 2 month old and a 2 year old just doesn't amount to a lot of rest and again, you sound depressed.

If he isn't cooperative is there another family member that can help? Or maybe someone who can give you a little cash so you can hire a teenager to come keep the kids busy and maybe help with the house for a few hours every afternoon. Young teens are often very happy to get such a job but expect to pay around $5 an hour.

Are you part of a church? There may be a woman's group who will spell you the same as a sitter.

Ask a neighbor. A lot of moms have been in your spot and may be happy to help.

Another trick that helped me was to go to the gym. That helped because it meant that for 2 hours every morning, someone ELSE watched my kids, I got to talk to some adults, get a good workout and know I'd have a shower and my teeth brushed by 11am (which, as you know, is nearly impossible in your current situation).

It does sound like your ex is not giving you a bad time so DO ask for the help and DO find a therapist. IF you are depressed (and the hormones caused by a new baby and the stress of a divorce are killer) you need help or this may get worse.

Don't let your family and friends talk you out of something you need. Tell them if they want to help, they'd be at your house helping DO stuff, not just telling you what they THINK you are doing wrong. You have said they have a great dad. I don't think moms are superior to dads and kids need both. Time with dad won't hurt them, it will help them and him.

You aren't abandoning them, you are just wanting a bit of time to pull yourself together. That's a good thing and a mature thought. Quite frankly if you get more depressed you could be dangerous so head your instinct to get help.

Young kids do great with ANY loving caretaker even one who isn't family. It is older children that need the guidance of a parent. All this effort people put into staying home with babies. It's school age kids that truly benefit.

My girls are now 17 and 19. We all survived those rough years. I got help and needed anti-depressants. I was fortunate in that we had enough money for me to have full-time help the first few months.

So do what you have to do. Be sure to still see them regularly, like every few days.

I've been there so I totally sympathize. It does get better. Email me if you just want to talk.

Take care.

Answer 2

Okay, I'm not gonna be a jerk about this but I know where you're coming from as I've been single-mom, too.
However; that being said, I, personally, could never allow my ex to take the kids for me to clean the house.. And, he only saw them about once a year.. The kids stopped seeing him on their own, even though I'd ask them to go for a visit...
I don't know if you're a bad mom.. I just couldn't send my kids away, especially as young as yours are.. I mean, how long do you want for them to be gone?
You do sould like a STRESSED OUT MOM, though, for sure! Cna you get someone in your extended family of "wellwishers" and nosey-biddies to take the kids overnight for a sleep-over? do you know anyone with small ones too? I could NEVER send my infant out to be cared for by another woman but, maybe, if you could get the toddler out for a night or two, you can calm down and appreciate just what you do have?
And,maybe some less time on the computer would help with the messy house?

Answer 3

Hon, if you really feel that bad, and aren't being a good parent to them at this time, maybe it wouldn't hurt. Its a difficult thing to do, I know, but if their father is a good person, and you know they will be in good hands, then I don't see anything wrong with it. Children need lots of love and guidance, and at this time, it seems you are so distracted, that you may not be being the best parent at this time. Nothing against your parenting, understand, just your frame of mind. How does your ex feel about this? Is he ready to take on both of the children. I am concerned that you are just separated and not yet divorced. Well, when it comes right down to it, the decision is between you and your husband......what is best for your children at this time. Good Luck, and get your head straight. Grammaluvsu

Answer 4

You are stressesd out! You've been through a lot. You didn't say if the visitation with their Dad is court ordered or not,but it sounds like you want your ex to take the boys for more than just a few days. Be careful of that because he might try to get full custody while he has them. Is he really capable of caring for a tiny baby and a toddler? Do you trust his girlfriend 100%? Are you sure you can't get some help from your family? If you haven't spoken to them for a while, MAKE UP! APPOLIGIZE! Do whatever you have to do to get them to help you out. You do need help.

Answer 5

you are not a bad mom at all. But just to caution you I did the same thing when my son was 2 and everyone told me not to do it they said he would not return my son ( I thought we still had a good relationship ) I told them there was no way he would do that, and he was only going for the summer, the next time I saw him he was 14. Just make sure you know your ex will not keep him from you and don't feel guilty for needing some time to get your life together. In the long run it will be better for you all. Make sure to stay in contact with the kids all the time and let them know you love them also.

Answer 6

You will be if you give them over to Dad. You have friends and family who can assist you. Ask him to take the kids for weekends or on vacations. don't ever give them up. There are plently of people around I'm sure who can help you. When the boys are sleeping make a list of what you need to do. looking at it on paper makes it more real and you can put it all in order instead of leaving it in your head that is going in too many directions. Then set a plan up for what you need to do. You know there are a lot of high school girls who would love a couple of extra dollars in their pockets. Ask someone you know to watch the boys for a couple of hours.
You need to be healthy first, and I understand that, but do not
turn those boys over. I would consider you selfish if you didn't keep them. As mothers we always put our children ahead of our needs. Keep your head high. Always remember you are not a failure. Be true to yourself, and teach those boys the right things.
good luck

Answer 7

My family acts like that too well they say I'm a sinner because I have to work everyone needs a break from their kids and your ex has a responsibility as well my ex has been in prison so I'm my oldest daughters only parent your only one person get yourself together so you can take care of business you'll get it together I was a young mom at 17 and I had to grow up and take care of my child alone your not a bad mom as for snapping at the kid it's called stress I do it atleast once a week.

Answer 8

As a dad, no matter what happens in my life (and I AM divorced) single with 2 girls, 1 boy and 3 dogs. They, (all of them) is a choice I made to have, and am not sorry about it. They are ALL the source of my happiness and everything dear to me. They are the reason I wake in the morning, ready for work, doing my best. I can only speak for myself. Time alone is what I had before them, Time together with all the ones I love, is what I have now! That's just me talkin'. Do with this info, what you like.

Answer 9

If you do that, he could take them from you! You should just try getting them into day-care while you clean and look for a job! You may want to get on some medication, before you really snap! Don't take the anger you have for your ex out on your children! Your kids need you!

Answer 10

depends on how long hes got the boys. id say youre not selfish at all, youd be a better mom if you got your act together and on the straight and narrow. dealing with a divorce and all that with two kids that might still be in diapers would be a disaster. maybe set up a reverse visitaiton where you see them on the weekends and hes the primary caregiver until you get your act together.
i dont mean act as in your being neglectic, just so you can be a better mother in general.