How should household duties be split up between a truckdriving husband and stay at home, homeschooling mom?

Question

I, the wife am responsible for the birthdays of 1 child, and 4 stepchildren, and almost 4 granchildren, along with Christmas, and other special occasions. I am responsible for bills, house cleaning, childrearing/homeschooling of our 8 year old child. My husb. is gone all week long and home for approx. 2 days each week. He is trying to start another business on the side so he works on this when he is home and tries to divide his time up so that he can spend time with us. I want to know what is fair as far as division of time and responsibilities because I feel drained after keeping the house clean, homeschooling our daughter, trying to keep her entertained and disciplined by myself and then trying to give my husband attention when he is home. I don't have ANY family where we live so I keep my friends around so I have some family for my daughter and I while my husband is gone. My husband is tired when he comes into town, therefore no friends. What do you think would be fair?

Answer 1

You both have tough jobs, and I can't see you affording a maid service. I would suggest a 60% for you and 40% for him.
Why don't you sit down, and write up a list of all the household chores, that need doing, and see if you can't work out some equitable schedule.
There will be some jobs, he doesn't mind doing, and the same for you. Forget about percentages, as long as you both pitch in, then neither of you will feel put upon.

Answer 2

I am right there with you. It is such a challenge to be a parent and feel isolated from the outside world. When you don't feel supported in your job (yours as a mother) life becomes much more challenging and stressful.

If at all possible I would look for groups in your area with similar aged children. Maybe an art class she can go to once a week, a music class, a gym class. Meet the other parents there - build a strong community. Talk to everyone at the park - get to know your neighbors.

At the very least budget for a couple hours away from your child a week. Take yourself out for coffee or just outside to read a book - a little down time. You don't need long and she could hang out with a friend of hers or you could find a baby sitter for those hours. If you have the funds try a class yourself and get involved with something you love - volunteering, art, politics, whatever.
Making a life outside the home will allow you to have a much more fulfilling life at home. It seems counter intuitive somewhat but an unhappy mama makes for unhappy kids so taking care of yourself is JUST as important as taking care of those you love.
craigslist is a good resource for child care and parenting support. Check them out at : www.craigslist.org

As far as help from your husband - I think you understand his limitations. He too is stressed out and trying to start a new business, working a stressful job with long hours etc puts a lot of stress on him (and on you!). Try to schedule "family time" when you take the kids out to the park or some place fun they enjoy all together on the weekends. This doesn't have to be an entire day, maybe just an hour or two. You can spend some time with him and you can both spend time with the kids.
If you need help with something: ASK. Get him involved with dishes, party planning, laundry, etc. Let him know you appreciate everything he does for the family and you know he's tired but let him know where you're coming from too. You are tired too and once a week you'd like a break from dishes (or whatever you want help with). He'll hopefully be very responsive and do those dishes - or maybe say: "You know I hate dishes but I'll go clean the bathroom instead." Let him have a choice and tell him how much you appreciate it and he will most likely start to do more. Everyone likes to feel appreciated.

This is very hard but don't give up. You are doing an amazing job and doing the best you can. Good luck to you and your family. All the best from California.

Answer 3

Your 8 year old is old enough to do almost any of the daily chores required to run the household. Try setting a specific time for her chores, just as you would her school/study time. Keep it simple, say 2 or 3 jobs daily and switch it up so he/she doesn't get bored. Use a simple calendar on the fridge to designate daily duties and reward the completion. You might be surprised, once my 8 year old gets started, she always wants to do "more" to help. The stepchildren should know that they are expected to keep their things in order and rooms picked up while they are there, just as your biological child is. It's amazing what 20 or 30 minutes can accomplish. Use the kitchen timer to help him/her get started. I think your husband has enough to handle without too much to do on the weekend. Helping you with larger jobs is ok, but don't expect him to do the laundry or the dishes. That's for you and the kids.

Answer 4

Either hire household assistants or stop homeschooling your daughter... if I were you I *would* be drained! Have you told your husband this bothers you? Communication is key.... In my own experience, I was homeschooled for about 7 years (from 5th grade through 11th grade).... for the sake of daily regularity, socializing, and basic societal skills I *wish* I had been in school all that time. My parents homeschooled my younger brother for a shorter period of time. He's in high school now, president of next year's junior class and a remarkably respectful and responsible young man... believe me, having your kids in a public school doesn't ruin them. You can be a good mom to your daughter even if she is in school.

Answer 5

I also have a husband that travels. He is home maybe once every 3 months. Our youngest is homeschooled but does his work online. I am not sure how yours is done. But the online way is sooo convenient. When my husband is gone my boys help with chores and when he is home he takes care of the maintenance on the vehicles and home, he hired my brother-in-law to take care of the lawn, and he also offered to hire me a maid to help out. Maybe that is an option for you.

Answer 6

Create some community for yourself: play groups, baby-sitting swapping, home-schooling co-ops, etc. You need relief or you'll burn out.

And remind your husband, if necessary, that studies show that the happiness of both partners in a marriage depends on a distribution of chores that the wife deems is equitable.

Answer 7

I homeschool and my husband works all the time.

we hired a maid onecce a week, we, including the kids keep the house tidy.
hubby is in charge of special occasions.

Answer 8

I am a stay at home mom. I have 2 kids 9 and 10
My hubby works over 60 hours a week and when he gets home He helps around the house.
SAHM jobs are 24-7 we don't get breaks.....
I don't see anything wrong with your hubby helping around the house.
My father always helped my mom and he also worked.
ASK him for help. Your not superwomen I don't see how you are doing it all.
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Answer 9

What responsibilities do you want to split?He can't be in 2 places at 1 time.Do you expect more out of him? He's already busting his A$$ to provide for & spend time with the family.You think he does'nt feel drained also?Would you be willing to spend all that time on the road?I'm not putting down what you do.I know it's not easy either,but it sounds like you don't appreciate what he is doing & believe me you should.

Answer 10

I'm sorry that I can't really help you, but I don't really see a problem. Just take advantage of the time you have with your husband! Get all of those icky chores done when he's not around, and maybe you won't even have time to think about friends!