what to do about mother-in-law?

Question

MY HUSBAND IS GOING THROUGH THERAPY FOR DEPRESSION AND IS DOING WELL. HIS MOTHER AND HIM HAVE BEEN ARGUING AND NOT SPEAKING AFTER HURRICANE KATRINA. HE IS DOING WELL NOW BECAUSE SHE AND HIM MENDED THE RELATIONSHIP. SHE IS VERY CONTROLLING AND ALWAYS NEEDS SOMETHING DONE FOR HER AT A MOMENT'S NOTICE. HE FEELS ALOT OF GUILT. NOW, HIM AND I SPOKE AND HE TOLD ME SHE IS SOME OF THE REASON FOR HIS PREVIOUS DIVORCE. I HAVE BEEN VERY UPSET BECAUSE HE TOLD ME THAT HE DOESN'T KNOW IF HE LOVES HIS MOM MORE OR ME. I AM HIS WIFE. HIS WORDS WERE"IF YOU AND MY MOM WERE IN A BURNING BUILDING, I AM NOT SURE WHICH ONE OF YOU I WOULD TRY TO SAVE ". HE SAID THAT MAYBE HE CAN'T HANDLE A WIFE AND A MOTHER AT THE SAME TIME. NEED SOME ADVICE. THANKS

I GUESS I DIDN'T MAKE MYSELF TOO CLEAR BEFORE. I AM JUST UPSET. I TOLD HIM THAT HE WOULD EVER HAVE TO CHOOSE. IT IS A DIFFERENT KIND OF LOVE. SON/MOTHER HUSBAND/WIFE. HE SAID HE IS USED TO BEING ABANDONED AND HE DOES LOVE ME. I NEED MORE ADVICE. THANK YOU SO MUCH

Answer 1

You all three need to be in Family Therapy and FAST!! Never ask a man to choose between you and his Mother...it will never come out good. Just remember, the way he treats his Mother is a direct reflection of how he will treat you. If your mother-in-law won't go to therapy, tell him you feel that you two need to go to marriage therapy to get the "tools" you both need so that he doesn't have to feel that guilt, and you don't have to be insecure about his feelings for you versus her. It is two totally different kinds of love, he shouldn't have to choose and you shouldn't have to feel like you need to ask him to.

Answer 2

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Answer 3

His health care proffesional should be telling him, that when he grows up and marries, he is then devoted and dedicated to the wife. He no longer is obligated to be at his Mothers beck and call. Of course it interfered with his first marriage. As it is also affecting yours. He needs to find comfort and solace in the bosom and the arms of his loving wife, and stop wasting p precious time feeling guilt about his Mother. An occasional helpful chore for her, when it is not completely inconvenient to his family, is quite acceptable. Nothing more. Maybe consider better professional help.It isn't working if the problem still exists for longer than 6 months.

Answer 4

It wouldn't be an easy choice for anyone to choose only one loved one in a life or death situation. I can understand why he's been depressed...it sounds like above and beyond his daily stresses, including hurricane recovery (stress in class all by itself) he has the two women he loves the most making him choose. Truth is, a mom will be there for him until she is dead and he knows that. A wife might divorce him. Mom's been around since the beginning of time. The wife has been around for XX years. Don't make him choose. Like it or not, your man is her little boy.

It's not fair to you that she is so needy and demands his attentions. Assuming that it is grossly misused you might try confronting her in a non-intrusive way and explain your valid concerns about his emotional health. If she really isn't overdoing it, you might try confronting your concerns. Family counseling may be helpful if everyone is willing to participate.

Answer 5

i did not detect a question yet loved examining it besides. that's reliable advice or maybe although no human being requested you, thanks for writing it. As a MIL i'd prefer to operate an straight forward MYOB MIL. Translated ability thoughts your own agency mom In regulation. no longer to the above author, she's cool. yet please ... MIL's .. do not provide advice once you're not any more requested and do not tell actually everyone a thanks to do some thing. you'd be very experienced at being a mom, grandmother....etc. yet issues replace from time to time and relations to relations. So, if all of us MOurOB actually everyone appears chuffed. it isn't straight forward no longer to inform a DIL she is putting the diaper on the incorrect end of the toddler yet she'll locate out quickly sufficient.

Answer 6

Since he's already going to a therapist, he should be finding some answers to his problems. If he's not, then he needs to find another therapist. Obviously his mother is his major problem.
And for his own sanity, he needs to keep his distance from her.
She has too much control over him, and she's the one who should be seeing a therapist. Tho I'm sure she wouldnt consider it. Does she not have a mate that she can drive crazy?...And leave her poor son alone...

Answer 7

You do not need our advice, he has already told you how important you are to him, he left his last wife because of her, you are next. I would cut my losses and leave, no use throwing away your life on a loser like this who would even stoop to telling his wife something like this is completely unconscionable. you are never going to be first with this man, and after she dies he will be more depressed that he could not do more for her, and you will take the backseat even more he might even blame you for taking time away from him that he could have spent with her.
You cannot win...Leave...

Answer 8

Wow! Thats so sad! I wouldn't know what to do if my husband said that to me! He shoudn't have to choose between his Mom and his Wife! That is crazy! You would think that after everthing that his mom has put him though that he would relize he needs to be a man and stand up for himself and not let his mom do that to him! He needs to sit down and talk to his mom and make her understand that he is all grown up and that she needs to accpet that! I hope everthing works out! Good Luck!

Answer 9

Move far away as possible from this woman. Dont encourage her to call or visit your home until she can respect you both. Although she is his mother why keep her around if she is stressing him out? She is not worth the trouble.

Answer 10

once you marry your spouse comes first you need to take some time and make sure this is the relationship you want to be in because he is not going to change but he needs to grow up and be a real man