what do u think of this poem (I'm 13 and still developing my writing skills)?

Question

Salt in my wounds.
Dirt in my eyes.
Tears in my coffee.

I miss you.
I miss you like the sun misses the moon,
the rain misses the gray clouds
the ink misses the quill.

My cold hands reach for a knife.
I stab myself in the heart.
The place where you last touched me long ago.

Blood errupts from my wounds and spills to the floor.

I cry for you............

I need you to live.........

But know youre gone and life has no pourpse.

i am not sick in the mind this is just the type of stuff i like to write.

Answer 1

It is great my Sweet Baby....I LOVE YOU SONA..God Bless u...

Answer 2

Well, you need to work on the spelling, but I won't hold that against you. I LOVED the first stanza, liked the second, and it went downhill from there. If you could make it less intense, less er, suicidal, it would be FABULOUS! It's good now, but a little too desperate for my taste. Maybe something like this:

Salt in my wounds.
Dirt in my eyes.
Tears in my coffee.

I miss you.
Like the sun misses the moon,
The ink misses the quill,
Except worse.

I sit with coffee, tears roll down my cheeks.
I want to grab a knife.
Like the phone wants to ring.
Like you used to want me.

I touch my heart.
Where you touched me last.
Then left, breaking it.
Like I never knew something could be broken.

I feel the blood race through the spot.
Or maybe it is my tears.
I cry for me, for you,
I plan to cry until my heart stops... because there is no purpose.

PLEASE DO NOT USE EXACTLY WHAT I WROTE! I LIKE ORIGINAL WORK BETTER!
Good Luck!

Answer 3

Poets most often put their feelings into their poems. Reading it sounds like your crying out for help, but since you explained this is simply how you like to write...

I like the start of your poem, it flows nice, but there seems to be something missing as I read on. I would explain the love I had, the person you lost a bit more, then carry on with how the lost of him is to powerful...and so on...

Last, your never too young too do anything. Amelia Atwater-Rhodes wrote her first book, "In The Forest Of The Night," when she was 14 years old. She now has eight books now, with hopefully more to come.

Here's something she wrote on her home page;

I began as a girl who simply liked to play make-believe, and who decided to entertain herself over the dull months of summer vacation by starting a novel. I ended up falling in love with Nyeusigrube, the world I created that summer. The more I learned about its inhabitants and their stories, the more I wanted to learn, and the only way to do so was to continue writing. When I was thirteen, I began dreaming of being published...

Below is Amelia Atwater-Rhodes homepage...

Answer 4

It's depressing. I Hope this is not the way you really feel, but people usually write things that they are feeling at the time. This could mean that you are depressed. If so sounds like you need some counseling. A 13 year old should not be hinking like this.

Answer 5

Keep working at it! Your poem is much better than I could write at thirteen. And the dark nature does not bother me at all. Poetry should be honest so if that is what you felt then don't try to lighten it up. Your poetry will grow better in time if you keep writing, reading, and living a full life.
Best of luck to you with your poems.

Answer 6

You are very talented and very motivated. You have got a long way to go but you are definitely a natural. Keep it up girl, and study hard and you have the potential to be great. Maybe write something that is more relative to YOU and who YOU are. You have a lot of passion but if you keep writing like that someone is going to think you are suicidal.
Keep it up!

Answer 7

i was amazed! you're only thirteen! That's really good. I would suggest changing the very last sentence to something that reflects something else in the poem, but you dont have to. that's how i end most of mine.

Answer 8

You don't really feel this way, do you? If you don't, good!. It's OK. But then again, that's my opinion. If you wrote it and you like it then that's all you need! You should check out Poetry.com!

Answer 9

for a thirteen year old you have alot of angst....your work is exactly that your work...keep it finesse it down the line...throw out some of the repetitious words such as misses....

Answer 10

Check your spelling, please....
Nice first attempt but next time leave out the cliches.

Answer 11

That is really nice... but it sounds like your desperate for someone or something to pay attention to you... but over all keep it up really nice