I need advise from men about a man.?

Question

Me and the boyfriend have been together for almost 9 yrs, I have always asked that he be honest with me no matter what, because I have a serious issue about abandonment (I don't want to be stranded without warning). He acts like he understands, then I find out that he cheated and has gone behind my back several times...I understand the need for something different; but just want a little honesty, which he seems incapable of. What should I do?

Answer 1

Stop with the worry...you asked for a man's view..here it comes. Men are stupid. They operate out of vanity, not their dic*s like you are led to believe. All it takes is a "Oh, you are soooo hot, so big.. soooo. ......" and they are had. Then they wonder what the hell they did that for! And, then they usually turn around and become very jealous thinking their mates are doing the same thing! And he DOES understand. IT is just that he cannot keep his brain side (the part that agrees) going with his ego side (the stepping out side) and afterwards, he feels ashamed of himself in that he does not live up to being the man he passes himself off to be. That is a lot to admit, isn't it? All men, myself included, really have no idea what they are doing at any one point in time. They sort of coast thru life, thinking everything is perfect, and then, wham! Out of the blue comes a broad who really lays it on thick, and we fall for it, forgetting the stuff at home (The stuff at home is old, has said it all before, and cannot compete with 'new' in a small area. ) But the "New" doesn't hold up past the first 'pop' and then .... oh, sh*t, I 've done it again...now what do I do?" comes flooding in. And don't expect total honest from anyone...not your sister, your mother, or you honey...ain't gonna happen. The funniest part of all this is...YOU KNOW WHEN THEY ARE LYING! They just cannot help themselves. I handle all this with... Ok, it's your game, not mine...go ahead and play to your hearts content, let me know when we are going to get back down to real.
What should you do? NOTHING. It has nothing to do with you. It is not your failing, it is his, and he knows it...that is why he lies. Don't pust too hard in this lying bit, things could break and be very difficult to put back together. Most men would rather go down with the ship than admit they lied , or admit they are not the person they want to be. Leave it alone...you already know he's coming back home, leave it alone for YOUR sake. All you go through is avoidable by realizing that he is just ...well, whatever. This stuff comes and goes, the wise person lets it go and moves on...he really doesn't mean to hurt you, and he knows he hurts himself. I will go back to my original statement...All men are stupid. Others will say, Leave him! But others are very young, are ideaistic, and have no real touch with reality of living together. There is no guarantee that if you were to have a "next," it would be any better. ( 9 years is a lot of time...at least you know the score with this one, and the relationship works. why worry?)

Answer 2

The question comes now why you would let some man treat you this way? Even if you issues of abandonment, that is no reason to let a person be unfaithful and good grief girl, what about disease? If he is promiscuous you could get Aids or an STD, Do you want to leave yourself open to this ? Actually my advise is to schedule an appointment and get tested right away.

I for one do not see how you can justify that there would be a need to see others when in a committed relationship, which is what a 9 year period is, that is longer than many marriages.

You are not going to be stranded without warning, you have had the warning, he is seeing others, he is already looking elsewhere, and not telling you, I can guarantee when he finds what he is looking for it wont be you, because he has had you and now is searching for something else.

So, now you can leave him and find someone who will commit to you and just you. If that picture on your site is any indication I do not think you would ever have a problem attracting the man of your choice.

Answer 3

I am not a man, but I am going to school to be a therapist so I think that I may offer some advice that does not have anything to do with making him food, having sex with him, or other stupid answers you are getting.

My first question to you is do you trust him completely? Would you allow him to sleep over at a female friend's house knowing that nothing would happen? Note, this is before any of this happened. If you say no, that could be a problem. In most relationships complete trust is what makes or breaks a relationship. I know it seems strange, but the more you trust someone the less likely they are to misuse your trust. Although it doesnt seem like someone would do that, when you think about it, it all makes perfect sense. If you already trust someone, if they do something bad that breaks your trust. However, if you dont trust them, if they do something bad it doesnt matter because they didnt destroy trust simply because it wasnt there to begin with. Abandonment issues stem from trust issues, so that might be where part of the problem comes from.

Another thing about this is you have been dating him for 9 years. Thats a really long time. If you didnt completely trust him, after a while it gets irritating dealing with someone's problems about them and after a point, you just kinda go "screw it" and do it anyway.

People now believe that love is a biological response to wanting to have a baby. In other words, when you see someone and you fall in love with them, thats your body going "Ok, now make babies." The most extreme points in a relationship are between the first day and two years later, because thats how long it would take for a baby to be born and taken care of extremely well. Then, the extremely passionate love dies down and it turns into a calming sense when you see your partner after about four years. This is because after four years, you can pass the baby down to almost anyone and they will be fine. So after four years of any relationship, the passion dies down, although the love stays. But when there isnt much passion left, and you dont trust him, that is just a cause for disaster.

What you need to do now is sit with him and tell him that no matter what you said in the past, that you trust him now, and you want to have an open relationship with him. Unless he ran off with those women because he was in love with them, your relationship can be fixed. Tell him that you want to know everything, and that no matter what you will not blow up at him. And when you say that, mean it. If he tells you that he had sex with your mom and your best friend at the same time, just take it. You can go outside to scream, cry, and stab a pillow later. Just let him tell you everything and get that weight off him. Tell him that he did certian things that made you believe that you shouldnt trust him, but tell him that you want to make a comprimise on the rules for the relationship. Tell him that because you love him, you will trust him fully, but he needs to show you that he loves you, and deserves your trust.

Just whatever you do, assume that you are going to stay together forever and nothing either of you can do will stop that. Trust him like that. Tell him that he needs to be open about what he does, and that you are not going to hold it against him later on.

You also need to tell him that there are general rules that you are to follow. For example, no cheating, no drugs if you feel passionately about that, completely honest, share household responsiblities half way, stuff like that. The both of you need to sit down, make a list, come up with comprimises and things like that. Also, set up a way that you can follow these rules. The general guide for the rules is that it can not be like "He doesnt see Jane" or "She doesnt see Bob." Nothing specific, just general guidelines based on your moral values for a relationship.

Please get back to me about this. Tell me what you did, what happened, how things are going and I can give you much more help.
Email: [e-mail]
AIM: Lactating Dragon

Good luck to the two of you, and I hope that I helped you at least a little bit.

Answer 4

Thanks for answering my question let me answer urs Being a man we love the chase the thrill excitement mystery.If i know weakness or buttons i can push in a girl or her needs if im a jerk ill just go ahead & do the unthinkable(in this case ur bf cheating even though u asked him to be honest tell if he wanted out of relationship share his feelings).If im a nice guy ill sit down & talk to u let u know what im feeling.This is a man thing we end up doing something stupid hurting the girl we most love in this world & end up with some girl who leaves us in the end or cheats on us then realising that day some years down the line what we have lost!

Answer 5

Have you told him he can have a little on the side, as long as it is just for fun? You seem ok with it, maybe he does not know how you feel. Or, if your willing, offer him a threesome for the "spice" he needs, and then he will have no need to go behind your back. But, most girls would never allow thier man to go have fun, then come home and tell them about it, it would be a deal breaker. Just let him know what the boundaries are, and react accordingly.

Answer 6

You should have maybe reconsidered the relationship a long time ago. Unless you started dating in high school, if someone isn't willing to consider commitment like getting married after a few years, you should leave. Of course you have commitment issues, you think dating someone for a long time is the same as marriage, when at any moment, he can leave and you have nothing to do about it.

Answer 7

He will do it anyway even if you want to hear pain full truth that he doesn't love you he won't do it.
They do it because they want to compare or they always know they can come back to you and you won't even know that they had different girl or girls.
It makes them feel all macho.
You better without him if you don't want end up cheating on him with some punk just because your bf did it to you. You 'll end up in more pain if you stay so leave.
He is not worth it if he doesn't understand that you are the one.
Good luck, be strong!

Answer 8

Accept the fact that is unnatural for a guy to be with one person only. It goes against nature. This is not good or bad, it just is. I feel the same way as you. But fessing up is not that easy. Probably doesn't want to hurt you. And bthe "cheating" was just sex. Nothing meant to hurt you.

Answer 9

I know you wanted men to answer this question, but I thought I'd give it a shot. You need to decide what you are going to tolerate. If cheating is no big deal to you then stay with him, but If you want a person who respects you enough to be faithful, then leave him. Why would you want to be faithful and stay in a committed relationship with a cheater?

Answer 10

dump his *** or have an open relationship. It would be lame to sit there and be in denial over the fact that you are not in a monogamous relationship. It would be equally lame to let him see the people he wanted whilst you committed. Sounds like he has you wrapped around his finger. I think it is only good to be wrapped around someone's finger if it is reciprocated.