what can I say to my wife about kids?

Question

hey gang, anyone there have any advise about my situation? My wife and I of 2 yrs are so eager to have kids. Last week she was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer. After finding this out, our chances of having kids is down to nothing. I have 2 kids of my own from a preivous marriage but we've been trying for 6 years now. How can I comfort her now after the procedure is completed that we will no longer be able to have kids (of our own). I've told her many times that we have each other, my kids which my oldest (9) decided to spend the summer with us, a new home, new job, good health and so forth but this is a major blow to us and she goes to sleep crying since the news. Anyone have any thoughts? please let me know. I don't know what to say so she thinks I don't care. I know she's mad but I don't want her to be anymore.

Answer 1

Hon, she's not mad, she's had her world come crumbling down on top of her. Rather than "say" anything, try to listen instead. Ask her questions about how she feels. She'll feel differently every day. Ask her if she wants to talk or cry. Ask her what you can do to help her get through the day. Tell her she's a valuable, beautiful, wonderful woman. She probably feels like less of a woman, just as you'd feel like less of a man if your testicles were removed. Tell her how strong she is, that you're there for her. Empathize, and let her know you're just as devastated, but you want to be strong because you love her so much. Give her time to talk, and cry. Spend lots of time doting on her, gently giving her affection, do nice things for her. Remind her you still love her and aren't going anywhere. It will take time for this grief to pass.

Understand she's going to be very emotional, as though the child she wanted with you was very much alive and is now dead. It's a grieving process. When she's ready to talk about other options, such as adoption, she'll let you know. In the meantime, be strong for her. Let her cry, let her rage, let her be angry at God, let her sleep. You might also consider grief counseling or therapy, and show your support by going with her.

It's important for her health that she gets through this. Ovarian cancer is still a serious threat to her health. If she delves into a very deep depression it could cause her to take a turn for the worse. There is a rough road ahead, making sure the cancer is removed and any chemo or radiation that needs to be done will undoubtedly be painful for her. Maybe find an ovarian cancer support group together? Not only will it help her feel like she's not alone, but you'll undoubtedly gain some insight into what she's going through emotionally.

I wish your family the best.

Answer 2

Ohh that's rough. My condolences to you and your family. I've had friends and family go through similar problems. One way I've seen that helped one of the couples was to adopt an infant. I know it's a difficult and fairly involved process at times (I have 3 adopted sisters myself) but it might be just the thing your wife needs. Aside from the pregnancy aspect she will still be able to raise the child from a newborn and be a wonderful, nurturing mother just as she would have been if it were her biological child. Not to mention it may help her feel better about the situation if she understands that she is also helping make the world a better place by caring for a baby that was otherwise unwanted. Sadly there are no sure fire answers for this question. No matter what you do It's probably a good idea to do a bit of couples councilling to help her get over this depression.

Best wishes!

Answer 3

Have you ever talked to her about adopting or using a serogate mother? I understand that even though you have kids, they are not hers. Think of it this way, if your wife had children before you had met and then you found out you were sterile, wouldn't you be hurt? Did this come recently or has it been a while? My mom's best friend went through the same thing. Her husband had 3 daughters but she was unable to have children. She loved those kids like they were her own, but there was still something missing. I'd talk to your wife about adopting because there are many children out there that are in need of a loving home. There is always serogacy(sp). Just talk to her and reassure her that you still love her. She may not feel like she's as much a woman now that she knows she is unable to bear children. Good luck and I'm sorry about your situation.

Answer 4

My thoughts are so easily said than done. I am a strong believer in everything happening for a reason. Are you all religious in any kind of way? If so, turn it to God. Tell her that everything happens for a reason and there is some reason why God chose you all. Adoption is great but I totally understand wanting your "own" child. Since you do have 2 kids already; make those as her own. She's been blessed with two and didn't have to do a thing to get them. Let her shower your children and turn her head to the greater things in life that she has right now. Also, tell her that now she can be as selfish as she wants...save her money for HER, shop all SHE wants, take long trips to where ever she wants!!!! That should make her laugh for a min at least. Let her concentrate on her!!!! and you too concentrate on her. She needs you and the kids more than ever right now. Make her see how good she has it right now. What ya think?? Good Luck to you both!! -L

Answer 5

sadly, theres really not very much you can say. one thing you must do is make sure that she knows that she has not let you down- that it isnt her fault. (which is sounds you have made clear) When she is healthy again, and has come to a spot where she has accepted that she can not have children, you may want to consider adoption. There are many agencies that involve the adoptive parents from the very beginning- having such a role would allow you to do all the things parenting requires from the start. Adoption is truly unbelievable- i have an adopted brother and at first i thought it would never be like he was truly my brother but now i really can not tell the difference between him and my other siblings... Regardless of this advice i hope that you both are able to find peace and healing during such a difficult time.

Answer 6

I am so sorry about your wife and you situation. It is a very difficult one indeed. I would suggest having a heart to heart with your wife and truly getting down to the root of things. Does she want her OWN kids so badly because she wants someone to call her very own? Would she be content adopting a child even if it is not biologically hers? I know that this subject can be very devastating, but I would also give her time and respect her feelings. I would suggest taking her to a nice quiet and relaxing vacation, maybe to the beach, cruise, or a spa somewhere so that she can get her mind off the whole thing. Remember to keep the lines of communication open and give her some time to heal. Good luck!

Answer 7

You have to fight the urge to leave her alone. We went through something similar when my wife miscarried. She was mad for a while almost as if it was my fault. Made me feel bitter for a while. Stay around her, shut the TV off, she'll start talking. When she eventually talks, don't try to say the magic words to make everything OK. Say, "You know hon, you're right. I have no idea what you must be feeling but I care just the same." Just listen to her, acknowledge her feelings, tell her that you love her, take her on a trip for a change of scenery. She'll come out of it, but don't go watching TV in another room while she's up in her room alone. She'll just get more resentful. Good luck.

Answer 8

This is a huge blow to any woman, you just have to give it time. Show her that you love her regardless of her ability to have children. It's going to take a lot for her to get through this and she needs you to be there, and even when she gets frustrated and tries to push you away....she still needs you to understand and be there for her. She's not mad, there are so many emotions going through her now that she's having a hard time dealing with everything and even though it may appear to you that she's mad....she's not. She's grieving and she's scared, she's looking at fighting a battle that's terrifying.

You have to let her know that the most important thing to you is that she be strong and defeat the cancer. Then after you get through that, look at adoption. There are millions of babies that need a wonderful loving home and we all have the ability to love and raise a child regardless of whether they are ours biologically or brought to us through the roads of fate.

Answer 9

i know that with radiation if that is the way she is going, she will be very tired and probably not healthy enough to take care of a youngster but if she insists there is always adoption. though she will not be the one actually giving birth this is still a way for her feel like she has a child of her own with you! sometimes in a relationship things happen that make you readjust to future plans and the way you live your life. this is a true tragedy and the only thing you can do now is comfort and reassure her that you are there for her. talk it out and see what she wants to do. best of luck! stay strong!!!

Answer 10

This is absolutely one of the hardest things a woman can go through. I don't speak from experience, but I can only imagine. Maybe seek counseling, A support group, talk to a minister. Sometimes the best things are never spoken, but shown. In the end there is always adoption. I know you're probably sick of hearing that, but there are a lot of kids out there that need homes. You will be in my prayers. God Bless You.