is this the last hurdle to everlasting love, or is it time to split?!?

Question

i've been married 5 years. he's 30, i'm 23. he has a heart of gold, provides steady income, & will be there for me. problem: he is unemotional & a homebody. i'm not attracted to him sexually. (i never really was). we've been seperated 7 months. (my choice). but i think about him all the time & i still love him. it's almost painful to love him, cos i'm still yearning for a partner who is more attentive to my emotional needs. he's asking me for a 2nd chance, but i know if i go back to him i'll get stuck in a 9-5 life, living in the subarbs, etc. he promises me he'll work to change his stoic ways. all of this is making me feel very guilty too, which makes me wonder....am i considering going back because i really want to, or is it out of guilt, pleasing others, feeling sorry for him, etc. what i really want is to go our seperate ways. but i'm afraid of breaking his heart & feeling guilty, wondering "what if i tried" years down the line. what to do?! (i can provide more details if needed)

thank you all for your quick and thoughtful responses

here are more details---- we went thru counseling (about 5 sessions). it was like a lightbulb went on in his head...he saw his mistakes (i saw mine too), and that's why he's filled with gusto to give this a chance.
problem--- when we agreed to go to counseling, my heart was not in it. my mind and heart were a million miles away.

i'm so frustated. yes, he is stoic and unemotional. all the men are like that in his family.

i've learned to see how he shows his love in his own way.

i see the child inside of him that i yearn to take care of and nuture.

and i swear, whatever love he does give me, or if i catch that glimpse of a little boy in him, it's like gold to me. it's all worthwhile.

ok, confession time:

yes, i did cheat on him already. it was a pretty scandalous affair. i had to tell him about it because the guy's wife found out. (told you it was scandalous).

he took me back, yet i was the one to leave. i'm still so ashamed, and can barely face his friends. (the whole world found out, as the wife of the man flipped out and told everybody)

i almost feel i don't deserve him, and i'm sure many of you agree.

why is he still fighting for me?! i've hurt him so many times. he hurt me too tho, in a more quiet, subtle way.

Answer 1

Your not going to do any good for him staying out of guilt. You wont be the best wife you can be. You are still young and that is probably why you feel this way. All I can tell you is that your views on this will probably change in a few years and your probably going to wish for a man like this. You married too young but never the less your married. The grass isn't always greener and I would say if you have a good man, keep him. There aren't many too choose from.

Answer 2

I belive that the problem is not lack of love, it's just that yu are in different stages of life right now. He's already burnt all the club/party stage while you probally didn't have a chance to get started and now you are lacking what your peers did at 18 and even at 23.
You are in danger of breaking your marriage because you think the grass is greener on the other side. Dear, I have to tell you that when you are done clubbing and see that there is nothing outthere, you'll be longing to be settle down and be at home with the one that you love.

Is it wiorth to jeopardize a good marraige and let go of a good man to try out with a bunch of youngsters that have not decided what life is all about?

You might be longing for the dating game, and the thrills of the single life that you missed out, but is it worth the pain of playing the game? If you found something good, keep him, because there are not many of those out there.

If you honestly believe that you cannot live without the drama of single life, go ahead, but don't make the mistake of letting go of someone that cares for you for a bunch of losers that don't give a damn about your feelings and that instead of giving, they are going to take away from you.



Good luck

Answer 3

The worst mistake women make is thinking they can change their guy. They can't. This is not to say that he can't change if he wants to, but - really - he's 30 years old. He has been taciturn and stoic his whole life; he really (and simply) does not identify with your need for emotional sustenance. Trust me, he does not "get it" and he will not get it. It is not part of his experience in the world and therefore, he cannot change in a way that will give you what you need.

On top of that, you have never been sexually attracted to him. My word, honey - you are 23!!!!! Now is NOT the time to settle. You can have more than this.

You may well love him. He is surely a good guy - strong, steady, dependable, heart of gold - but he is not the good guy for you. This doesn't mean you need a "bad boy" and this doesn't mean that he isn't good enough for you. It means that you are not right for each other. You have too broad an emotional spectrum for him and his is too narrow for you.

If you can't connect with him emotionally and he can't connect with you emotionally, there is no room for passion. And there is no room for all the trials and tribulations that come with a long marriage. It does not sound like the two of you have the basics together upon which to build "everlasting."

You may well love who he is and what kind of good man he is, but you don't love him. You must do you both a favor and let him go. You need to find someone who can meet your needs and he needs to find someone who needs him less.

It is time to split.

Answer 4

none of us on here can tell you what to do.
you have to do what is in your heart.

i was in a relationship that wasn't so hot, but i stayed much longer than i should have b/c i felt "guilty" for leaving him. even though, he was obsessive and possesive and horrible to live with i stuck around b/c i thought if i left he'd be even worse off. he threatened to kill himself if i left, etc. i won't bore you with anymore details, b/c this is fairly different from your situation.
the gist....i wanted out and felt guilty, you want out and feel guilty...

i finally had enough and left him...never looked back either.
i am now madly in love with my husband and we are expecting our first child. we are happy and healthy and we are completely compatible.

i didn't know when i left that ex whether happiness with someone else was in the cards, but i did know that happiness alone WAS!!! i had control over that much, at least.

so, if you don't want to stay with him, then go and be free. it will allow you and him to find your happy lives.
he may become a different person with someone else.

i had an ex (diff from first story) that when we were together it was like spontaneous combustion...in good ways and bad ways! we are still friends and that's the best way for us. i am happy and he has found someone who he can be happy with. we are better people in our new realtionships than we ever were in our past relationship together.

just follow your heart and if you even doubt for a moment that your marriage isn't right for you...then don't go back. but, if this is just a trying time for you guys, then give it a chance. marriage is hard, but it's not supposed to be miserable.

we always try to give out 60% and take in 40%...that way we know that we are giving our marriage all we can...but we don't mind giving more than we receive, b/c we love each other.

take care and i hope you find your own happiness.

Answer 5

It sounds like you are torn between going your own way and maybe having a hard time of some things, or living in security, even if it's boring... bottom line... if you aren't into it 100% it's not going to last... don't go back to him solely because you feel guilty... if he's willing to compromise and try some fun things outside of the house, it could work... I have the same problem with my video game-aholic boyfriend sometimes... and usually it just comes down to either he spends some time doing something else with me, or we are done. But we both know that those fights are just caused by boredom and that we just need to spice things up... if he's not willing to compromise, move on.

Answer 6

You need to remember the reason you married him in the first place. Divorce is extremely painful and should not be an option unless you are in danger of being hurt. What you may have is the itch, you know, bored, thinking of options, get over it. Death is easier than divorcing, thats not an option either so give him another chance. Why don't you try to make life more exciting instead of waiting on him to change his ways.

Answer 7

You need help here and possibly marriage counseling too. See if he is open to going to a marriage counselor with you. Call Doctor Phil. If after you try and everything fails then let the poor guy go.

Answer 8

It's important that the both of you seek some form of counseling, so that you both can talk about what you want from the relationship, and you both can be on the same page emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and sexually.

Answer 9

I would let him go, even though it hurts. You married at 18 which is too early to make such a decision. You are still very young, don't think that he is your last chance.

Answer 10

The only adivice I have to give is pray today/ tonight and ask god if he is the man for you and see what he says. I can tell you right now there is no one here on ask yahoo that can help you with this only god can.