Please help me!!! I'm a confused wife?

Question

What will I do as a new wife when my husband's 5 grown up kids ages 29 to 33 years old always call their dad through phone for money. For all the wives out there, do you have control of your husband's money. I'm not a selfish wife; but I think it's too much to support five grown up kids and whenever they need money my husband always give them and we are already drown with debt because of their child support when they were still minor and now my husband's ex-first wife as if she is using again their grown up kids to ask for money. What will you do as a wife?

Answer 1

I would set up a budget, where a certain amount is used toward paying bills and debt. You should also save money for a rainy day, just in case the worst should happen, such as somebody loses a job, ends up in the hospital, etc. Do you save for retirement? Then, after you have done all of the responsible things that you need to do with your finanaces, set up a discretionary spending fund. You should both have spending money, and he may wish to spend most of his on his adult children. Since it would be his spending money, that would be his choice, just as much as if you decided to spend your money on whatever you wanted. We put our budget into a spreadsheet, like Microsoft Excel, and it's very detailed. You shouldn't be a Scrooge and unwilling to ever give out or spend money. It doesn't mean you have to drown yourself into debt either. Just figure out a good balance between the two. Good luck!

Answer 2

I didn't even read the answers already posted to this before I needed to answer.

As the "current" wife, you have both the responsiblity and the right, to speak with your husband about the "limit" he spends on his children. NEVER tell him he must stop. These are his children, no matter what their age, and he could resent you for wanting him to stop helping them.

Let him know that you love and respect him for the help he gives his children. Remind him that these children are now living a life of their own and should also be responsible for making the most of the money they earn. Let him know that you do not begrude him the pleasure he may find in giving them money or other things. Also you did not state whether or not the children come to visit at all. So my assumption is that he only has contact with them on the phone when they "need" or "want" money. If that is the case gently remind him of this. Also if that is the case, he may feel the need to continue just so he has some contact with the kids.

Tell him that although you do not want to take that away from him, he must look at your financial budget first to see how much he can actually afford to give his children. He must let them know, when he cannot afford it, to tell them that he would love to help but just cannot afford it this time around (or something similar).

I hope this helps. You can get the gist of it and adjust it according to your actual situation.

Good luck and if this is the only bad habit he has.....don't give up...

Answer 3

The kids are adults now. You're husband may feel guilty for not being there for his children. When they phone he will give. If he's paying back child support then that should be enough. Have your husband to ask the Adults what they need the money for? If you're in a strain financially, then there should be limits. Have your husband to Man Up! If they decide not to call anymore, then he"ll know that they only wanted him for money, and they figure, if we did not get it while we were kids, let's milk the cow dry. If they want any kind of relationship with their Dad they will call for other things than MONEY!

Answer 4

I think this is something you have to really sit down with your husband and talk about. i sort of have the same problem except it is my husband's mother always asking for money. I let my husband know that I was very distressed by the frequency of her requests and that I was unsure she was using the money for honorable things (she was addicted to drugs in the past) SO, when she calls saying she needs money for food.....we take her food. Believe it or not, she doesn;t call anymore because she can;t get cold hard cash. Maybe, you should try to find out why the kids need money.

Answer 5

This is something that should of been discussed before you married
. Ask your husband for a conversation about it. and not an argument. Tell him you would like some limits and boundries to be set with his adult children concerning money.
Sounds like he is in a pattern and not likely to change.
Talk with a counselor. This issue might slowly errode your relationship with him.
You might have to write your feelings and suggestions down. And ask him to read them. Tell him you feared if you had a conversation, you might get angry.
I think most people would agree that his kids need to make it on their own. Or at least limit the financial help to a lower amount and insist on them paying back the money, unless it is a gift.
Good luck

Answer 6

wow you are in a tough situation. i understand that you are planning financially to save money, but you do have to understand that those are his kids. his kids, no matter how old, wil always need help from their parents. now if they go to their father for help and not their mother, they have their reasons. but you should have a talk with your man. tell him you are not used to this and your used to saving up money and getting out of debt. ask him what should you two do? ask if he he can only give a certain amount to each child per month so that you will still put some money aside. but dont tell him that he cant give money to his kids. i know that if im in their situation and my dad wont give me money when i need money, id be really upset and stressed out since i would know where else to turn. time will pass and those kids will make their own money and wont bother you two again. just have patience.

Answer 7

I would suggest going to a marriage counselor because this is going to interfere with your marriage. It needs to be brought to his attention that he doesn't have to feel guilty to say no to his grown children.
Financial problems cause divorce. You're husband is in bondage because he is lead to think that his kids can't make it without him and has a fear that they will starve or not have a roof over their heads. He needs counseling to get free from being brainwashed.
As Dr. Phil says, no matter what, your spouse comes first even before the children because while children are little, a married couple can not pass their happiness down to their children if they are not happy themselves. That is why marriage must be the head number one.
The kids are adults now. They are no longer his responsibility. They are taking advantage of him because they know they CAN!
Yes ... talk to him about seeing a marriage counselor.

Answer 8

I am a Step Mother and though I adore them, I do not interfere with my husband's choices regarding them. He will often seek my opinion but if I got in the way of what he thinks is right for the Girls, I know he would resent it, and he would have every right to. By the way, you don't need 'control' of your Husband's money or indeed anything else relating to him, if you love each other there is no need to control any aspect of each other's lives, and what is wrong with YOU going out and earning some money?

Answer 9

Well..I'm sure you knew the deal before you got married. Instead you probably believed you'll be able to come in and change things..If he was a dead beat who didn't pay and you'll in debt b.c he didn't pay..Oh well...Sounds like he owes them every penny..Who cares if they are grown. The point of the matter, he didn't pay while they were younger..He needs to pay them whatever he owes them.. AGAIN..you knew before marrying him.

Being fair...If that wasn't the case. Then I'll say they are grown and need to support themselves or get another job and stop calling daddy every time things don't go according to as planned.

The fact of the matter. He still owes child support from when they were younger. He just needs to pay up and you need to..Well I'm sure you'll figure it out.

Answer 10

Well I am a wife and I know that you can not tell someone what to do and not do when it comes to money and their children. They are going to help there children out as much as possible. You could try talking to him and let him know how you feel about this and make sure you state that this is you opinion and you ......blah blah blah. Be careful though with the words you choose because you dont want to cause a fight. But now that your married he also has to understand that your opinion counts too. Good luck.