Cheer me up?

Question

I'm feeling a bit down today, so can anyone put a smile on my face?

a joke, or anything to make me laugh or smile

Answer 1

THIS JOKE ALWAYS CRACKS ME UP! I KNOW ITS LONG, BUT BELIEVE ME ITS WORTH EVERY MINUTE


When Men Don't Listen

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A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility, but each time he tried, it was occupied. A female flight attendant, aware of the traveler's predicament, suggested he use the attendants' ladies' room but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.

When he arrived in the attendants' ladies' room, he noticed that next to the toilet paper rolls, there were four buttons marked: WW, WA, PP, and ATR. His curiosity got the best of him and he disregarded what she said. He carefully pressed the WW button, and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed onto his bare bottom.

He thought, "Wow, these gals really have it nice!" So a little more boldly, he pressed the WA button, and body temperature warm air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably.

"Ahh," he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!" So he pushed the next button, PP, with anticipation. A soft, disposable powder puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.

"Man, this is great!" he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.

When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off. Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out what had happened. He explained that the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies' room of the plane.

The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the ATR button. Sir, that was the Automatic Tampon Remover, your penis is under your pillow!"

Answer 2

heres some jokes babe.


>>Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
>>
>> A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
>>
>>
>>
>>Q. What's a mixed feeling?
>>A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
>>
>>Q. What's the height of conceit?
>>A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
>>
>>
>>Q. What's the definition of macho?
>>A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
>>
>>
>>Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
>>A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
>>
>>
>>Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
>>A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
>>
>>
>>Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
>>A. Because it's worth it!
>>
>>
>>Q. What is a Yankee?
>>A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
>>
>>
>>Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
>>A. They both like a tight seal.
>>
>>
>>Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
>>A. Their balls are just for decoration.
>>
>>
>>Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
>>A. About three inches.
>>
>>Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
>>A. For traction in the mud.
>>
>>
>>Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
>>A. The grip.
>>
>>
>>Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
>>A. It's not hard.
>>
>>
>>Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
>>A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
>>
>>
>>Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
>>A: 45 pounds.
>>
>>
>>Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
>>
>>A: 45 minutes.
>>
>>
>>Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
>>A: Breasts don't have eyes.
>>
>>
>>Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true
>>love? A. The swallow.
>>
>>
>>Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
>>A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
>>
>>
>>Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the
>>morning? A:They don't have balls
>>
>>to scratch!
>>
>>
>>OH, don't groan.
>>You know darn well you're going to send this on to somebody!!!
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>Never sweat the small stuff and never pet the sweaty stuff

Answer 3

I'd recommend subscribing to the Daily Happiness Booster. I find it really helpful. Here's a sample of it:

Do a Good Deed for Someone You Know
For no reason, do something nice for someone you know. Bring in a flower for everyone in your office or team. Offer to make a special dinner for a friend recovering from surgery. Bake your children's favorite cake. The more we create joy for others, the more we'll feel it in ourselves.

To sign up for Daily Happiness Boosters go to www.happinessmakeover.com.

Answer 4

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the
bedroom cupboard to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy
is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a football."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are
in the cupboard together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have football boots."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "$750"

Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, "Grab your boots
and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy -"$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that again. You're in my cupboard
now"

Answer 5

I've already post this, but feed your brain these questions and see if it cheers u up.
Can you choke and die on a life saver
can u cry underwater?
if the swat team broke down your door would they replace it later?
Y do teachers ask " do u find something funny?" when obviously you do?
Chuck Norris tears should cure cancer too bad he doesn't cry.

Answer 6

I think the funniest thing is watching Jay try to do a heel click.. your feet are supposed to be out to the side, but his usually end upright under his body when he jumps up....my friend kristi wants to have a heel clicking competition...you should try it, but if I were you I'd use a chair to hold on to

Answer 7

Some people are like slinkies: not really good for anything... but you can't help laughing when you push them down the stairs.

Answer 8

[hugs whatsername and gives her a kiss on the cheek from behind, continues to hug her]
Everyone has one of those days but I bet tomorrow will be better for you, if not tonite. Smile for me luv, everyone likes your smile.

Answer 9

there was this one guy who ate cheese and farted a really big fart afterwards in the airport and he really had to go to the bathroom but there was a huge line so he accidentally sharted and the guy behind him past out and he went poopy in his pants but he had shorts on and the poop all fell out and he was arrested for litering on public property. He still had to go poopy though..lol

Answer 10

You're alive, the sun will shine..things aren't so bad. Think of all the really bad things that aren't happening to you, and smile.