Who can make me laugh today?

Question

Besides looking in the mirror....

Answer 1

>Subject: funny one ok ;-]]
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>
>
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>It was my first time ever
>And I'll never forget
>I'd do it again
>Without a single regret.
>
>The sky was dark
>The moon was high
>We were all alone
>Just she and I.
>
>Her hair was soft
>Her eyes were blue
>I knew just what
>She wanted to do.
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>Her skin so soft
>Her legs so fine
>I ran my fingers
>Down her spine.
>
>I didn't know how
>But I tried my best
>I started by placing
>My hands on her breast.
>
>I remember my fear
>My fast beating heart
>But slowly she spread
>Her legs apart.
>
>And when I did it
>I felt no shame
>All at once
>The white stuff came.
>
>At last it's finished
>It's all over now
>My first time ever
>At milking a cow...
>
>
>
>GOTCHA!!

Answer 2

Well, as a 22 year old aspiring professional alcoholic, it seems that I have a lot of time on my hands these days. Let me tell you about what I do. I get everyday and I go to a job that I hate with every fiber of my being. I then go home and watch reruns of shows like Smallville on my DVR and then I start to crack them open. I think this all stems back to when my parents conceived me into existence.(This most likely took place in a trailer park just outside of San Fran) In any event, last night I made myself some breakfast around 2:30am. I made scrambled cheesey egges and sausage, I also put beer in the mix as well, you believe it, but it tastes great. I then play guitar for a little while and fell asleep. Even though I'm still in pretty good shape, I havent had sex since 2003 and I hate virtually everyone and everything. I live in a yuppie apartment complex now, just outside of Pittsburgh, Pa. This apartment building is full old people who spend their days picking dingleberries out of their a$$cracks, save for the the fat whore who lives across the hall. If this doesnt make you laugh, nothing will, as the way I see it my life is one big joke. In order to occupy time, I once made an exact replica of the 'Fortress of Solitude' from Superman II. It took approximately 3 weeks, I was being thorough. I own a 2001 Jeep Wrangler with a hardtop that I like to drive up to Lake Erie on the weekends and get drunk, I usually end up passing out somewhere along the beach with my friend, Dave. I also one time pitched a cartoon to a cable television network, the cartoon was based on the people with whom I interact on a day to day basis. The rep from said network actually liked it, but he said that most people wouldnt get it because it was full of inside jokes. This other time, not long ago smoked weed with this old hippy who writes songs all day long about Vietnam, the funny thing I dont even really smoke weed, but this guy was funny. Ya, I wish that I couldve posted some of my really funny stories, but I dont think that the admins of Yahoo! would allow. I also believe that I have a small penis in comparrison to the average American male, this may or may not be accurate.

-J.

Answer 3

Go to these websites:

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/.....
http://www.holylemon.com/
http://www.lifeisajoke.com/movies_html.h...
http://www.bytescout.com/links_flashmovi...
http://www.killsometime.com/animations/a...
http://www.funnyjunk.com
http://www.ebaumsworld.com
http://www.funnyparts.com
http://video.google.com/
http://www.youtube.com
http://chat.yahoo.com <<--Now it sucks! lol
http://www.funnymail.com
======================

Things to do in an elevator:

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.

5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day your day been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

9) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, They open up again."

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, Got enough air in there?"

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other
passengers, "This is my personal space!"

27.) ask "excuse me, my butt itching, can anyone scratch it for me?" (you are holding things in your two hands)

28.) Turn against the wall and start talking to the wall.

29.) Look at your "invisivle" watch, and take your wrist and ask one of the people "Is this time right?"

30.) Start hummong really loudly like you are meditating "UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM...

31.) start doing jumping jacks.

32.) Look at your hand and say out load "woooooow, coool" and wave your hand at the people and say "isn't it wow and cool?"

33.) Sit on the floor and close your eyes, and start snoring really loudly.

34.) Look suddenly at the floor of the elevator and start screaming at the "invisible" squirrel.

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Answer 4

Three men die and go to heaven. There, God tells them they will be rewarded according to how faithful they were to their wives.

The first man cheated on his wife numberous times, so he got a tricycle as a reward.

The second man cheated only a couple of times, so he got a decent motorcycle.

The third man never cheated on his wife, so he got a Lamborghini.

Later on, the first two guys are going down the street when they see the third man parked on the side of the road in his Lamborghini crying his eyes out. They go up and ask him what's wrong. The third man says he just saw his wife go by on a pogo stick.

Answer 5

I guess that the best answer is that one which makes you laugh right away without sending you to another site, so here we go:

Two house wives were tired of staying at home working and doing all that boring house-wife stuff, so they thought it would be fair to take one day off and go together to some club and have fun.

Without the knowledge of their two husbands, they left for a nearby bar and began drinking and relaxing.

It got very late, and the two ladies were now drunk. They started walking back home, and suddenly the two of them felt the urgent need to go to the bathroom to take a pee. Since there was not bathroom around, they entered a nearby cemetery. After they did their thing, they did not have anything to wipe with, so one of them took her panties off, wiped off with them, and threw them away; The other one found a flower Wreath, so she took the ribbon off the flower wreath, wiped off with it, and threw her panties away also. They headed home after that.

The next day, one of the husbands calls the other and in a very worried tone tells him:

You know, I think our wives had too much fun last night. My wife got home drunk, and without her panties.

The other complains:
Shut up man!, at least yours got there that way. Mine got here drunk, without her panties, her aass full of glitter, and with a little note attached to it that read: "We will never forget you!" :S

Answer 6

I can. This is my fav. If this doesn't make you laugh, nothing will.

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."

Answer 7

I usually make my chat pals laugh. Not sure what it is, but I have a way with words. Try me sometime.

Answer 8

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business. - Dave Barry

Answer 9

go to http://youtube.com and do a search for Dane Cook. Listen to any of his stuff (my favorites are "The Nothing Fight" and "BK Lounge"). You'll be rolling.

Answer 10

tickle tickle
wiggle wiggle
punch my nose

hicky hacky
wicky wacky
with a hose