Should I divorce my husband even though I love him? We spend no time together and he has no job in last 4 yrs?

Question

My husband and I have only been married for 4 years. I am 46, he is 44. He was married once at age 18 or so. He has one terrific son that is 23 years old. I have no children. My husband has slept on the couch ever since we were married. He has given so many excuses that I can't keep track. We have no personal relationship. His friends and his "habits" are way more important that I have ever been. I have paid the bills the last 4 years. He earns enough working out of our garage on small engine repair to keep himself in beer and cigs. I brought up how much money I had spent in the last 4 years on bills. I was very conservetive. He said it was my house, my electric and my phone bill however, he's the one home all day, when he's not out running around. He says that I did nothing that everyone else doesn't have to do, I said it is usually 2 people doing it instead of one. My husband has a near genius iq but has no stick to it ness. Help me. Divorce if final tomorow!!

Thank you everyone for the responses. The majority is for divorce and getting on with my life.

It has been suggested that I pray for him, which I do every day, many times a day as well as for myself. Counseling, attempted 3 times, I cont. even after he only went 1 time the last time. I married him because I loved him and THOUGHT he loved me also. I have been patient and tolerant for 4 years now. We can't seperate because he won't leave. He comes to the house as soon as I go to work and leaves before I get home. He has nothing, no home, no job, his son GAVE him a very nice car and is paying insurance on it. I never wanted divorce, don't believe in it actually, but I don't think GOD would want me to continue enabling my husband to not better his life. I love him enough to push him out make him do for himself, open his eyes and not waste the rest of his life.

Answer 1

Well, I do not like to advise people to leave their husbands unless there is some extreme circumstance. Sweetheart why did you marry him in the first place? It sounds like he is lazy and selfish. Yes you are doing what people normally do, so why is HE not doing it as well? He is a GROWN man who needs to do for himself, like you said you have no children, so why should take care of any (any meaning him). I think that a lot of women get invovled with men for the sake of saying that they have someone. I do not recall you saying that you love him or even recalling when you have had good times. I have always felt that when the bad times between two people heavily and contuniually out weight the good it is time to go. Everyone goes through ups and downs but when you are stuck in the gutter it is time to dig your way out. You can not be afraid of doing it alone because you already are. You can't be afraid of being alone because you already are the physical appearance of him does not change that, you sleep alone every night. I look at it like this, tell him "Thank you for your time here, thank you for showing me that I am stronger than I gave myself credit for and thank you for giving my couch a break, you have to go." ALWAYS KEEP IN MIND YOU CAN DO BAD ALL BY YOURSELF! And even with him there you aren't doing badly, paying all your bills, taking care of the both of you! At what point do you start to value your sanity, happiness, YOURSELF more than you value him.
P.S. I do not know what some of these people are talking about ie Blonda. But you made a vow to do all those things but he made that vow too. And maybe she should take a look at how long it has been since he has actually got up and done something for himself. Deeper than that you do not have to go to church and make a vow to your children. You bring them here and it is a unsaid vow that you will love them and do for them.
Please do not listen to her non sense, she must have someone just like him in her life that she is holding on to. He is not doing for himself. Blonda the scripture says God helps those who help themselves, NOT wives help those who lay on their A$$!!!

Answer 2

I am in the same situation. My boyfriend 6 years, lived together for 4 years and out of those 4 years he has only worked 1 year. I tried to hang in there and be a good girlfriend, but I can’t not do it no longer. I have voice my concert to him ,and I’ll I get is a guilt trip him makes me feel like I am the worst person in the world, but I have come to a conclusion that I deserve to be happy. I feel like if a stay with him, I will just end up hating him. I think the best thing to do is take a long break from each other before divorce. Maybe you should move out and see if you guys can start over see if the love is still there. I wish you the best ,I know is not is to hurt someone you care about, but in the end both of you deserve to be happy.

Answer 3

Can you say mommy. He's apparently genius enough to figure out how to be cared for. His actions are not those of a man. They are a lot more like a high school drop out who is still at home. Sure he's charming, its the only way he can get you to support his ***. You will be happier in the long run if toss his butt out. Tell him he can come back with a job and a bankroll. You'll never see him again. Start the paperwork today. Do not let up until there are some major changes.

Answer 4

Tough times, man!!! Calls for some tough love. Sorry for all of this. Divorce is only acceptable if there is adultery. That is the only way you'd be spiritually released according to scripture. If I were in your shoes, honey I would SEPARATE so that he gets his eyes opened. He needs to learn to be a man way after the fact. Tell him that you need him to leave and then you need to not let him back in. Can you move? I know it all sounds crazy but he has created a crazy life for you and he will have to answer to it soon enough. He is a roommate with no benefits to you. He is your son not from your womb and your pet with no adorable traits. Pack up his stuff, offer him "his couch" and tell him to call Tyrone. I'm praying for your strength. Stay strong. Here's to better times and healing in your marriage (well your MAN, really).

Answer 5

Actually by telling him to get out of the house may be what saves your relationship. Maybe he needs to get a lesson on how to care for himself the hard way. I am somewhat the same type of person, if you do too much for him, he will get used to it. I slept on the couch for 12 years before my wife and I found each other again. It is easy to get used to the fact that your wife will do everything for you, give him a wake up call, my wife did to me and now we are happier than ever, but, he must love you in order for that to work. If he truly doesn't, unfortunately you are going to have to find someone else, I know easier said than done. Good Luck.

Answer 6

I would force him to go into counseling or divorce-no negotiations-just one or the other.
If he chooses divorce-you will eventually get over it.
If he chooses counseling-push it hard.
If he reneges-divorce.
He may be depressed-it can happen to a man, and he will not know it. A good counselor can see through it right away. It would be better if you can find a larger church that has trained counselors on staff-they deal with this every day. If you have to go secular counselor the risk is higher for getting a nut-job.There some good ones out there, but its hard to tell who is worth your time. Thats why I choose church counselors over secular-less risk.

Answer 7

Sad to say but I would say you have made the right decision...the fact alone that your husband has slept on the couch tells me he does not return the love you feel for him...also if he cared for you at all he would want to help out more and not watch you run about, working hard to keep the two of you going. Maybe someday he will grow up and realize what he had, and miss you, but I think you need to be on your own, even if you will miss having someone. There is someone better out there for you, who will love you and want to share your life with you, not suck it out of you.

Answer 8

dump him, dump him, dump him. I know it's hard, but he has no respect or love for you. If his habits are that important compared to you, then a divorce is the perfect solution. Move on. There are over 3 billion male humans in the world. He is but one. Move on. Be happy. Life is too short not to be happy.

Answer 9

how selfish of you! When you got married you made a commitment to someone. doesn't that mean anything anymore? Can people only love someone today, if they are getting something out of it. Why is it that we can love our children with whom we have not promised to love no matter what they do, but if we make a commitment to someone, and they dont give us what we want, we immediately want out. how very, very selfish! If you love someone, its just that, you love them. you cannot make a promise to love them, then when things get hard, leave the relationship. You need to love him for who he is right now, not for who you want him to be! What if you got fat, and he wanted to divorce you! ok, its a bit extreme, but if you expect him to be what you feel is right, how would you feel if he did the same to you! come on ppl! Have we all forgotten that our word is supposed to mean something! Are we only getting married to get something out of it! maybe we should concentrate on other people rather than ourselves. We should all plant some trees we'll never sit under.

Answer 10

NO! Don't divorce him, gee people divorce so easy any more. Try to work on it, go to a counselor. Does he know that you are looking at divorce? Show him the divorce papers to scare him a little if you have to, but don't do it, not yet. Try other ways, take him on Dr. Phil!